“Carali, I swear to god, I will kill you forever…”
“What does your cigarette say about you? Mine says ‘I’m slightly suicidal but I look so great, you don’t care.’”
“What’s the gayest gay bar in the area?”
“Probably the one called the fucking Motherload, you idiot”
“One of us has been drinking. The other one is you. Gimme my phone.”
“That’s some ominous keystrokin’ over there…”
“Can I have my phone back? There is a lot of shit I could be putting on Facebook right now?” “E has got that handled. Shits cool.”
“Did you fucking watch episode 4 or not??!?!?” “Maybe. What’s it to ya?”
“Wanna watch ‘A Dolphin Tale’?” “What the fuck. Dolphins don’ even have tails! They’re fish!”
“Watcha got there? Do I need to refresh my NewsFeed in a minute? Is this shit gonna get real?”
“I need a business hammock.”
“I found the history lesson were Abraham Lincoln was a Vampire Hunter. It’s before MLK slayed dragons & after Thomas Jefferson killed zombies”
“There is a man with a bundle of sticks on his back.” “Excuse me, Mr Led Zeppelin cover…” “Can I have a fag?”
“Go ahead. Put that on Twitter. I DARE you.”
“The things we can’t put on Twitter, we shall call… the Untwitterables!”
“So what you’re really playing is ’50 Shades of Mage.’”
“Even 1482 had a montage! MONTAGE!!!!!”
“Renaissance Thug liiiiiiiiiiiife!”
I want 5 dots in Cray… Wait, that is really a thing?!?!?! http://instagr.am/p/MKclHGJN8M/
“This game is making us smart. We’re forcing ourselves to roleplay a history class.”
“Brawl: it’s the new Dodge!”
“They had carrier pigeons. That was Twitter.” “That had a main square where they hung people.” “That was Facebook.”
“It was the 15th century. It was obviously very different.” “They didn’t have Twitter???” “No, just MySpace.”
I got white candle wax on my black cat.
“And then I have the first edition one, which is all, like, fuckin laser dragons and you have a time fortress and shit.”
“That’s why Oliver says he thinks my Twitter feed has an STD.”
“My agent just asked me if he thinks he should do a tranny.”
“Damnit. How can I resist!? Bawls me!”
The plural of ‘Dracula’ is ‘CHRIST GET OUT OF THERE!’
Until Game of Thrones comes back, can anyone suggest other TV shows that say the word “usurp” a lot?
Don’t follow your dreams, follow me on Twitter.
Dreams are like .dmg files. They can be corrupted.
“One day, I just might crash into this wall I’ve created…”
Dear Musicians, Google what a distortion pedal is and start goddamn using them again. If I hear one more clean guitar riff I’m gonna scream
“You’re grounded from snuggling until you order us food. Get on it, slave.”
“‘That’s going on Twitter,’ I say sulkily.”
Ummmmmm it has gotten to the point in the evening when
@ramidearest is singing Metallica….
“Whatever is not forbidden is permitted.”
The chain on my raven skull necklace is too long to wear with this corset. It gets lost in my boobs
“There is not enough cocaine in the world to kill him. He is like the Spiderman of nose candy.”
It’s interesting to watch a man with his dick in a hornet’s nest try to solve the problem by tossing his balls in as well.
First, an earthquake in Yorba Linda then a UFO in Canada? Either it’s an invasion or Men In Black 3 has great viral marketing…
#YOLO craze over yet or do I have to keep on hating humanity for the foreseeable future?
“I don’t understand why some people have their twitter account protected. What are you tweeting, nuclear launch codes?”
“I am going to walk around Los Angeles and put giant googly eyes on everything.”
“Too bad I hate everything…”
Since when does LA have a hockey team?
Someone is standing outside my window playing “Call Me Maybe” on a harmonica. I am not sure if this is awesome or awful…
Yes, West Hollywood. I am very Proud. Now please stop blasting Goyte remixes so loud I can’t hear my TV.
“Thank God those dudes in 300 had a warrior who could hold aggro. There is nothing worse than wiping to an NPC wearing guyliner.”
I feel like I need someone who just follows me around and says “you might be too goth if…” right before I do absolutely anything.
“Fuck every last second of that.”
I’m sick of my hair color again. I have had literally EVERY hair color possible. Someone please invent a new color. Get to work, Science!
If I could describe LA in one sentence it would be “I’m working on this project with…”
“This is my second Steven Hawking analogy today and it’s not even 1 o’clock!”
“It’s like if I had Steven Hawking advising me how to build a rocket. It’s gonna blow up, it’s not going to the moon.”
DEAR HUMANITY, you don’t need to reply to every single email on a 10+ email thread and say “thank you”. Especially not as ‘reply all’.
“Your life is fitting of a best selling memoir, and you’re not even into ‘mid-life,’ yet.”
“You are ten times more awesome then I am. And I’m a Narcissist….. so that’s a lot.”
“My friend is already convinced that the bath salt story is a government cover-up of an escaped military bio-weapon.”
Dee Snyder is in a Stanley Steemer commercial… I hate the future.
“If at first you don’t succeed, maybe you should have done it the way I told you to in the beginning.”
Pants status: off.
In preparation for E3 i’m watching Cutthroat Island.
“My manicure is smarter than you are.”
“I am Obadiah, the Brain Fingerer!”
“Fuck this nipple. Kill this lady.” “That’s the bawls talking.”
“You reach through its armor, rip out its heart & spine.” “Is it still alive?”
“I will distract the helicopter…with myself.” “What will you do? You’re just a kung fu werewolf.”
“I took Moonbridge 101 at Werewolf U!”
“Vampire? I don’t have Gnosis, I have Bloodpool…”
I swear to god, Facebook goes down more than your Mom…
“I can’t believe I’m almost 40 and I STILL haven’t killed as many people in real life as I did that one time in Zoo Tycoon.”
“I have a friend that’s into… ‘Doom Mack’? ‘Dim Mock’? That DJ thing.” – random lady behind us.
I want to write a cookbook for Zombies called “Beyond Brains: Recipes for the Undead.” Possibly vampires and cannibals too.
R2-D2 holds the world record for most bleeped out swear words of any movie ever…
“I’m a surprisingly good driver while high on LSD, I haven’t hit a single one of these dinosaurs.”
“I feel like Google plus and MySpace should just team up Supervillain style to assassinate Facebook.”
“So, no one is supposed to know about this? Can I know? Am I supposed to know? Do I know? What about me?” –
@ramidearest, detective #E3Rumors Metal gear 5 announced. It’s just a Blu Ray of First Blood that makes you hit play at the start of every scene
The face-eater from Miami was allegedly on new “Super” LSD. Just admit it, government. Zombies are real and Miami is really Raccoon City.
This honey tastes strangely like bee vomit…
I’m eagerly awaiting the GOP announcement that Mitt Romney will be joined on the campaign trail by Reagan’s hologram.
“Do you want us to do anything other than sit here?”
“Complain a little bit.”
“Where is a good place I can take my mother to get a facial? My usual spa is booked.”
“I have mispellings in my speech. That is how bad it is.”
“There is ambiguously homeless guy in a wheelchair that rolls around challenging people to thumb wars. He’s never lost.”
This conference call hold music was TOTALLY in a porn….
My parents are visiting. Predictably, my mom is rearranging my kitchen while my dad complains about my tattoos and lack of coffee maker.
“I sometimes wonder goes through some peoples head when they tweet.”
“‘I hope someone retweets this.’”
“I could sell ice to an Eskimo as long as it involved a Facebook Page.”
If you scroll far back enough on your Facebook Timeline, will it log you in to MySpace?
“I’m too depressed to celebrate World Goth Day.”
“World Goth Day is a thing? This is awesome!!!! Errrr… I mean, darkest and most spooky thoughts to thou on this day of Goth.”
“Dear Apple, make a car.”
“Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.”
“Have you thanked a homosexual for the 80s today?”
50 Cent has a new fragrance out called ‘Power.” Why he didn’t call it “Fiddy Scent” is beyond me…
“I would like to become the Jane Goodall of drunkards”
I wish I could make bagels appear with my mind…
“The Misadventures of RavenBlack NeverSmiles are in full effect…”
“Whats wrong, Goth Kid? Chip a nail?”
“Worse. Broke a fang”
“…I hate you”
some people are so poor, all they have is money
You and I are the type of people who could be given the gift of immortality, and still manage to find a way to die.
“……………. did you really just ‘that’s what she said’ me in an email????”
“The entire music team is on standby on http://Coachella.com right now. I’m on Coachella hold on Safari, Firefox, IE, and Chrome.”
“That was funny, right? ‘Zombie waves’? I guess ‘Vampire waves’ would be more appropriate.” –
“They have sad tumblr bangs!” –
@brochin on a rock band that will remain nameless
i love it when
@TheMissE retweets my stupid comments because it means that i either made her crack a smile or say ‘GODDAMMIT PAGS!’
“You break it, you buy it” doesn’t apply to hearts.
“Hey! Goth time! Hurray! Get out of my way, I’m Goth! Yay!” – Emily, worst goth kid ever
“Are you there God? It’s me, Class Action Lawsuit.” –
“I can’t wait for Diablo 3 any more. I’m just gonna chloroform myself until tomorrow.”
“What a way to end the Mother’s Day episode HBO. Damn.”
“Happy Mother’s Day?” – Tyrion Lannister
Fact: Ferraris need to consume one human infant per week to maintain prime condition.
“Will you tweet the funny thing?” –
“That’s 13 books books about vampires.”
“…carry the one… Yeah.”
“Now you know my weakness.”
“Vampires: crosses. Elissa: popped collars.”
California Adventure is opening a new ride called “The 405″ where u sit in a Prius & listen to NPR 4 an hour.
My mother taught me to be kind to others, to hear (not just listen), to stand up for what’s right, to always believe in good. I love you Mom #MothersDay
#MyMomRocks She took me to my first concert, she told me to always be myself, and she still tells me that she is proud of me every day.
“I’m a wind in a leaf.”
“She totally Googled my Twitter.”
“My research shows that all Elis(s)as are foxy badasses. It’s science.”
“You’re an awesome social media expert and one of the most polite (I assume) drug dealers I’ve ever met. “
If you’re havin Timeline problems, I feel bad for you son. I got 99 tags but I blocked every one.
“You need some Facebok help, homie.” –
“I collect the ashes and put them all in a pouch.”
“Just put them in Ian!”
“I need more Protean so I can turn into a bat.”
“What about your fear of heights?”
“I’ll fly really low! Shut up!!”
“They are never going to take Joel seriously after this.”
“I never took him seriously to begin with!”
“DUDE! I was IN HIS BRAIN! Of course I was gonna drink his blood! Oh man, this is gonna go on twitter.”
“Oh, is that what we’re doin?”
“North Carolina voters decided today that marriage will stay between one man and his sister.”
It’s such a beautiful spring day outside. I think I’ll sit indoors and pound the F5 key looking at shit that doesn’t matter.
“How can that guy be sure it wasn’t Nicholas Cage pretending to be John Travolta asking for a hand job?”
I miss the chat room days when you could just type “/roll” to make decisions.
Someone random asked me if I know any words that rhyme with “erection”. Why do ppl always just assume I’m a rapper??
People say Twitter is filled with meaningless personal details. In reality, it’s mostly filled with complaints about United Airlines.