Lulzy Quote Round Up

“Yeah motherfucker, because I don’t want no Super Vampire running around the sewers!” “Thanks, Freddie Foreshadowing.”

“I just realized that it’s super bowl week. Should I buy this 60 inch tv? I’m going to need one for my bedroom.”
“Life is hard for you.”

“Reporting on your own superheroic activity while in your secret identity as a reporter is an ethics violation, MR. KENT.”

“I have an uzi and a shotgun. I’m going to fire the uzi because it’s quieter.”

“Sippy fingers!” Kine + hollow fingers = perma blood pool

“Great. The sex fiend has a rape cloud.”

“Ferris Bueller + Honda Super Bowl Commercial = ruining of childhood. You won, blatant consumerism. You won.”

“The next person that ‘requests my presence’ in Castleville is going to get their castle blown up”

“Forgetting my password for a site and having to input all the different ones I’ve ever used is the closest I’ll ever get to being a hacker.”

“I think this job is teaching me how to respect women.”
“That’s going on Twitter too.”

“In all fairness, she didn’t look like a porn star. She just looked kinda slutty.”

“Being BBCed on emails makes me feel like the James Bond of GMail.”

“Chicken fingers are made of Spam blood!”

you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. but on your resume, just say you made him drink.

torn between going to the gym tonight and never going to the gym again. decisions, decisions.

recession be damned, as long as there are people who don’t know whether to put spaces between hashtags, i know i’ll be able to find work.

sorry if i’m cranky. its “that time of month”… as in the time when my hair dye is faded to shit and i can’t yet afford an adequate touch-up.

bathroom walls should be made of the same stuff as the signature strip on credit cards. i have yet to find a pen that writes on that shit.

LOVE this weather. i’m mostly sitting inside, but in theory i love it.

it feels good to know that things can only get better. or stay the same. or get worse. ok let me rethink this.

attention weho gays: put those well honed cruising skills to weeeerk and monitor sidewalks, alleyways and other dark corners for arsonist!

one year left till the end of days! if i seem aloof in the coming months, i’ve got senioritis.

“Is it rude to throw something away in a trash can that a homeless man is eating from? I never know.”

“I’m holding a grudge against everyone who was a dick to me in the nightmare i had last night, including the velociraptors.”

“Friendship is a privilege NOT an obligation. Every day, you are earning your right to be in someone’s life by being a good friend.”

“You look very classy today.” “Classy is my middle name. Actually, that’s not true. It’s Alexander.”

“Working with Björk teaches you the keyboard shortcut to the umlaut really fast, let me tell you….”

“Ice cream is my spirit animal.”

“I’m training for an Olympic gold medal in napping.”

“If Jesus was real, he’d kill Tim Tebow for upstaging him.”

“There is a fucking Maroon5 Snapple called “Tea Will Be Loved”?! Yup. The world is ending this year. “

“Bad luck is my good luck. Good luck is also my good luck.”

“I’m gonna go stalk him when I’m on the Bay. God, I hope he’s home. God, I hope he’s not home.”

“I’m sure he’s willing to trade sex for money.”
“Or anything else, for that matter. You know…. Sandwich.”

“I remember the first time I stuck my dick in a 56k modem. I completed misunderstood the whole ‘Internet porn’ thing.”

“Do you think anyone ever had sex via telegraph?”
“‘The Germans are coming! Also, what are you wearing?’”

Just figured out how to get the machine downstairs to give me tea. I feel like a master of technology. F34R my 1337 p0w3rz!

“Dead girls have more fun”

“If gays were allowed in the Army in WWII, Saving Private Ryan would be shorter. There is no way it’d take gay men 3 hours to find Matt Damon”
“And if Osama had been a hot boy it’d have taken internet fangirls 3 hours to track down his hiding place.”

LOL at this teacher thinking the “staying home from school to liveblog the #Coachella line-up announcement” note my son turned in is forged.

MySpace TV unveiled. Lone MySpace user Steve said to be very excited.

“This is like watching FEMA handle Katrina.” – @IAMtheCOMMODORE on the police procedure in Prom Night

“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco”

They just lost it? RT @SarahDope Oh jesus. They’re turning “The Game” into a movie?

“You’re drunk.”
“I’m not drunk. Your ears are messed up.”

“More” is my safe word

“The new blessing: May the Internet rain many pageviews on you for your epic wins and 404 out when you fail.”

“Is everyone getting Internet right now?”
“I’m only getting porn.”

“They caught the LA arsonist! Ok people, back to worrying about earthquakes.”

“Someone is trying to get a keg of beer through security. Stay classy, Boston”

“Thank god I’m coming back to Los Angeles, where it’s 80 degrees and there is a serial arsonist on the loose.”

“My Grandma was a Methodist.”
“She took meth?”
“Religiously.”

“I love how listening to industrial makes everyone think they can speak flawless German.”

We spent 2 hours adjusting the calibration on Rockband just to find out its not the lag. I’m just a shitty drummer.

“They should have named this game ‘Rockband 2: Hey, do you think we need another tambourine solo? Eh fuck it, just add one.’”

“Because of Harry Potter, every time I have to cook something, I think I’m in Potions.”

“Had a dream about ghosts and sharks but not ghost sharks, which would have been even cooler.”

“Do you think butterflies have a slut tattooed on their ass?”

“You can take the Elissa out of the Vampire, but you can’t take the vampire out of the Elissa.”

“Just packed my hair dye juuuuuuuuuuust in case I want to change up my hair color while I’m home. I think I officially have a problem.”
“Addicts go to meetings. There are no Hair Dye Anonymous meetings to attend. Ergo, you don’t have a problem.”

“Take heart, sweetheart, or I will take it for you.”

“Are you so drunk that you’ve time traveled back to the 80s???????”

Lose a hat. Cam game? Ask the Prince for permission to buy a new one. Sabbat game? Kill an Orphanage!

“I wish my superpower were to transform into 1986 David Bowie.”

there are two sets of cleat prints when #tebow plays football, but in the fourth quarter there is only one – that’s when god carries him.

“So, if we ever have to rob a casino, you’re our George Clooney?” – Me
“BEST CONVERSATION EVER!” – Random Guy on the Street

“I miss the days when knowing what a Twi’lek was would get me tied to a flagpole at lunch.”

“If today was your last day would you do all that stuff in that Nickleback song or just a lot of heroin?”

“If you hear gunshots just… don’t worry about it.”

“Look. I’m a btard. If you put me on the internet, I’m gonna troll. If the internet is a bridge, I’m gonna get under it & fuck with people.”

“I was complaining because they didn’t play any songs off their one good album. Then they played 3 of them right at the end. It’s like they heard me and were like ‘let’s shut that one kid up.’”

“Jess says she can tell when we’re hanging out because she can hear my sarcasm in your Twitter posts.”

“Hang on. Don’t say anything funny until I tweet this…”

“I’m going to pay you to seduce Twilight retards.”
“This… is… basically the perfect job for me. I get fangs, right?”

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