Quotin’ time – one last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer

“Ok, i think my mom has officially lost it. she is having a cctv system installed so that she can determine which birds are eating her flowers…”
“You need a sitcom.”

“If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die.”
“Note to self: file writers under ‘possible vampires’.”

Mandatory bad Pitchfork “review” alert! Comforting to know some things are a constant and entirely predictable in these confusing times.

“How bad is it, on a scale of ‘one’ to ‘completely’?”

Rihanna’s tour bus was pulled over and they found weed. In other news, Clive Davis is gay, and the sun will continue to rise and set.

Poll: 56% say the federal govt. should recognize same-sex marriages. The other 44% say Larry the Cable Guy is a comedic genius.

You only live once, so don’t forget to spend 15 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.

They should rename #TheWalkingDead to “Characters You Hate Walking Back and Forth from Woodbury to this Fucking Prison Every Episode”

“You know what else isn’t Punk Rock?”
“Listening to Punk Rock?”
“……..actually yeah. PUNK ROCK IS NOT PUNK ROCK.”
“Country is Punk Rock.”

“It’s not Punk Rock if you tie your shoes!”
“It’s also not Punk Rock if you trip on your untied laces and fall down the fucking stairs!”

I feel like I don’t karate kick on enough lightswitches in my general day-to-day life.

Spring Breakers is like one very, very, very long Vine video.

Not sure I should see Spring Breakers until I recover from my PTSD from Kids, which will be never.

They say prostitution is the worlds oldest profession, which is probably untrue.How did the 1st guy pay for a hooker if he didnt have a job?

Why would anyone want to travel back in time? There is no Internet there.

I’m like my laptop: give me 3 minutes with nothing to do and I’ll go to sleep

“Did you know this was gonna happen????”
“Yes. I used my crystal ball that shows me COMPLETELY OBVIOUS SHIT YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN COMING.”

“So WHAT? I’m spooning a Barrett .50 cal. I could kill a building!”

Ever notice that cats always want to be petted when you’re wearing bla….oh, wait. That’s always.

“Help! Help! I’m turning into a Joy Division lyric!!!”

I need google glass so I can identify people I know but can’t remember the names of or where we met.

I’ll just be over here calmly sticking this knife into the wall a couple dozen times. Nothing to see here. Move along.

#ObamaIsNotSatan, Satan has leadership experience.

At this point, I just assume that Lindsay Lohan has some sort of theme park-style “Front of the Line” pass, but for court.

It’s 9am. There is some lunatic with a megaphone outside screaming about Jesus Christ coming to kill fags. Thanks for the welcome home, LA

I’m ROLLING IN PUSSY RIGHT NOW! Which means I’m getting purred at by one small cat and nothing else. Why, what did you think I meant? #Pervs

Sometimes I randomly unfollow people on Twitter just to see how pissed off they get.

The Vatican confirms that the new pope will be backwards compatible with previous Church doctrine

I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT MY HUMMUS FROM TESCO! To put this in context: it’s like someone being excited about a 7/11 hot dog. Fuck it, it’s yum!

Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Pope #ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope

The train I was on terminated at Cockfosters. It was announced every stop by some proper-sounding British woman. My sides hurt from laughing

Dear England, I need you to have less hilarious place names.

So…. does a Transformer get Car Insurance or Life Insurance? #DeepThoughts

There is a new Pope App? I hate the future…RT @FastCompany Got The New Pope App? Following The Papal Liveblog? http://trib.al/V1sR5uY

I love pretending like I’m a total uncultured American git. “How can you have a queen if you’re a socialist country?” #trollface

WHY IS IT SO GODDAMN COLD IN THIS COUNTRY?!?!?! I thought Global Warming eliminated winter in the 80s??????

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – the best thing about growing up is having a chauffeur take you to the airport #JeevesFetchMyBags

Current electronics count for week-long trip 2 London: 3 iPods, 1 iPhone, 1 iPad, 1 Droid, 1 MacBook Pro. #IHaveAProblem #TechAddict

Wait, I CANT be hired as a hitman for a shadowy organization bent on making the world better 1 corpse at a time? You lied to me video games!

Tried to go pick up lunch. Somehow wandered in to the West Coast Douchebros Convention. It reeks of Axe body spray in here…

Don’t get depressed. You’re probably great at SOMETHING. But it probably isn’t music. You might be INSANELY GREAT at crying in the shower.

“I think I just put holes in the couch with the spikes on my shoes.” “That’s very metal.” #OutOfContextOfficeQuotes

I’m going to take out all of my internal organs with an ice cream scoop, I swear to god…

“I’m a lover and a runner and a coward not a fighter.”

“I won’t put your puke video on YouPorn. That’s real friendship.” “Thanks buuuuud.”

A Tzimisce, a Lasombra, a Tremere, a Malkavian & a Brujah walk into a vampire-themed restaurant… There isnt a punchline. This is happening

Operation: Vampire Brunch was a success. Operation: Vampires Sit On The Couch And Watch Tv is a go!

Also, I’ve literally inherited Dracula for a week. Like, seriously for real. He’s upstairs sleeping. My life… it’s all vampires 24/7

“JUST GO!” Promoters and Agents this early in the morning is hilarious. Big grin right now. Excitement is infectious.

“Your gold pieces or your hit points.” – Mere

The most important part of being a leader is never forgetting that you are still part of the team.

When I say “vampire weekend”, I mean a weekend of being a vampire not a weekend of listening to annoying indie hipsters. #GothProblems

Real Goths don’t wear black. Real Goths sack Rome.

“What character class are you playing?”
“Classless?”
“Yes, you are.”
“Shut up, Kittenmancer.”
“That’s Weretiger Warlock.”
“SAME THING.”

“The Salesforce is strong with me.”

“Is semi-comatose an option?” – me, trying to explain to my doctor how strong my anti-anxiety pills for a 10 hour flight need to be

Brujah Dominate: “Do what I say or I’ll punch you.”

 

Brujah Movement of the Mind: “I will throw this shit across the room.”

Brujah Path of Flame: “I will fucking set you on fire.”

Brujah Vicissitude: “I’ll punch you so hard, I will rearrange your face.”

Brujah Animalism: “Come here, pussy.”
“I’m not a cat.”
“I meant the other kind of pussy, you idiot.”

Brujah Quietus: “I’ll cut you till ya bleed!”

Brujah Chimistry: “The Brujah hit me and now I’m seeing stars.”

Brujah Fortitude: “Quit crying that it hurt or I’ll give you something to cry about.”

Brujah Obtenebration: Poke out their eyes.

Brujah Dementation: “I’ll hit you so hard, you’re brain will break”

Brujah Vicissitude: “Just let the compound fracture I gave you heal that way and you’ll have some badass bone spikes! And stop whimpering.”

Brujah Presence: “You like me, right? Alan didn’t like me, and now he’s a pile of ash. But YOU like me, don’t you?”

Brujah Bardo: “Either the sun can burn you or me and my flamethrower can. Your choice. But you’re walking in daylight one way or the other.”

Brujah Celerity: “I’ll move way faster than you if I break both your legs.”
“But… you already have Celerity in Clan! And Presence, too!”
*SNAP*
“I also have a low tolerance for sarcastic assholes, cripple.”

Brujah Serpentis: “Ima beat you to death with this snake”

Brujah Aspex: “Tell me what you’re thinking or I’ll hurt you.”

Brujah Obfuscate: *Cracks knuckles* “You didn’t see shit.”

Brujah Obeah: “Hand me that duct tape and quit whining. You’ll be good as new.”

Brujah Daimoninon: “We have nothing to do with the Baali, shut your fucking mouth before I shut it for you.”

“Can we postpone the punching to the latter half of the meeting?”
“Punching is new business, we’re working on old business!”

“MaxXx’s version of stealth is telling everyone that if they look at her, she’ll punch them.”

“She created me, nurtured me, then staked me and put me into torpor.”
“Well. Ladies are fickle.”

It’s Sunday! Which means somebody is going to ruin tonights episode of @WalkingDead_AMC for me by tweeting about the entire episode.

“You’re like… An orthodontic Jewish cowboy vampire.”

“You know what I like about you?!? I’m drunk!!”

“I wish I knew how to quit you, Keynote.”
“COMMAND Q!”
“THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!!”

Every single person I know in the city of Los Angeles is at the Marilyn Manson show. Did a wormhole to 1996 open up when I wasn’t looking?

A penis is just an extroverted vagina.

If you can’t say it to me in a Keynote or Excel spreadsheet, don’t bother saying it at all

I sincerely appreciate that I had a conference call today involving multiple executives in which “butt chugging” was discussed in detail.

“you inspire a particular variety of lust; stemming from that fragile darkness of yours.” #BestWorstComplimentEver

There is a Bright Eyes song in a Zillow commercial. I fucking hate you, Capitalism.

Got the new glasses. I feel like I am on acid. My hands are far away yet so close. My vision is sharp yet confusing. MY HANDS ARE DINOSAURS!

The next person who asks if I’m wearing pink on Valentine’s Day will be Force choked via the Internet. #TheForceIsStrongInMe #LetTheHateFlow

There is a “50 Shades of Grey” workout? I hate you more every day, humanity…

(832): Don’t blame me. I told you I didn’t know if I had a key to those hancuffs.

So I guess there was some big soccer game that just happened in New Orleans or what’s the deal?

The mango is a member of the cashew family????? I’m so going down the Wikipedia rabbit hole…

It’s written “Tzimisce” but pronounced “a WHAT with three WHATS?”

I heard that these guys are gonna play football at a Beyonce concert tomorrow…

You say ‘blood drive’. I say ‘happy hour’.

“I want to do a show called P’Unked where there are no pranks and dudes just get a Mohawk and go to punk shows.”

“THIS IS MY MANIFESTO!!!”
“This is a taco recipe.”
“MANIFESTOOOOOOOO!”

We all have that one cup in our house that is somehow better than the other ones

Previously on ‘Screaming at Vampires’… We met a vampire so ugly that someone actually mistook him for a potato… and tried to peel him.

My parents are going to be here in a few days. Trying to motivate myself to clean. Can my Mom ground me in my own house? #GrownUpProblems

I have a PhD in Misanthropology.

“MaxXx and I didn’t come here to listen to lies. We came here predetermined that he was lying.”

“We’re playing 1st, 2nd, 3rd.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a game to see if the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd word you say will be a swear word.”

I’m not a pyromaniac but I am a pyroenthusiast.

Just found out that BOA steakhouse will deliver to me. Let no one say that I am not totally classy in my laziness.

This Twitter feed is rated TV MA LSV for violence, sexual situations and nudity. Parental discretion is advised.

‘Cool’ is the least cool word in the English language. The coolest word is ‘Exsanguination’.

I don’t know if ‘finally’ is the right word here. RT @mashable Finally, a First-Person Shooter You Can Play on a Tablet http://on.mash.to/14ashWE

LENSE FLAIR IS NOW CUZ OF MIDICHLORIANS!!!! #jjabrahms #episodevii

New idea: stereo that can’t play songs by Fergie

It’s a rainy day in LA but I’m feeling sunny inside. Also, this is the least goth tweet I’ve made in a while.

Just a reminder – in all of my tweets. the “I’m extremely lonely” is silent.

I feel like I don’t spend near enough time dressed like I’m in The Craft…

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, but what if I’m willing to go much, much higher?

I have done more work in the first 22 days of 2013 than our Congress has done in ten years. #GOML

Some guy told me a have “a jiggabooty”. I’m trying to decide how outraged I should be about this…

“Think murderous thoughts and you can fly.”
“Think of nooses, think of screams.”

“We hired him to keep me from killing myself.”
“Well. I’m gonna need him to pack up his desk immediately then.”

“You can hire my zit. It’s available. And speaks Spanish.”

With great power comes great responsibility that you can ignore if you’re a total dick.

#WhatHurtsTheMost: The cruciatus curse.

Years and years of Twitter quotes…

Damn that little amp | is way motherfucking loud | thanks for that Line 6!

What the fuck, Twitter? | How do you expect haikus | with no enter key?

Our band rehearsal | So what we leave in two days? | Lets go play Uno!

I’m in a bad mood | Do you think Hot Topic | sells black razor blades?

Its way too early | Ikea overcharged me | goddamn fucking lights!

Ryan is driving | My grandmother goes faster | goddamn fucking lights…

I have a new thing | every haiku must end in | ‘goddamn fucking lights’

I can’t stand Tetris | Especially when its done | with our merch boxes

You know its Texas when | the bathroom has a TV | and its on FOX News

Jesus, Waffle House | We parked next to one to sleep | Now its on fire

Um, a drive-thru zoo? | Dude, are you fucking kidding? | What’s the point in that?

We have been fighting | Who tours in a recession? | Apparently, us

Buffalo, New York | You are JUST like the movie | Buffalo 66

The guy I love is too heartbroken to be my heart. The guy who loves me doesn’t make my heart hammer. So… I remain heartless.

I’m so tired I just fell asleep in a truck stop bathroom while peeing.

Up at 7am | to fix the broken genny | That’s life as TM

Sweet! Haunted hotel! | What? The walls in my room bleed? | How sweet is my life?

I kinda want to | go see Twillight. I know it | voids me being goth

I only have insomnia this bad in Massachusetts. Its because I’m worried about ninjas.

everything we write | should always be a haiku | ‘cuz they are the jam

You take baby pictures so your relatives can look at them when you die

I am awake. I had a dream that I was a rich asshole and I spilled champagne on myself and made my servants suck it out of my jacket.

Wah! I want your warmth but you are covered in spiders

Gwen Stefani can spell the shit out of some bananas

It snowed. It looks like the world is covered in cocaine like a stripper’s tits.

That was supposed to be possessive. Damn you grammar and your early morning non-compatibility!

“I can’t believe I got beat in a snowball fight by a Californian!”

Well, I’ve now had my insides fondled in the name of medical science. Ug.

“I think its really nice to know, not just that we love each other, but that we know each other and we like each other.” – Momma

If your spouse/friend/rent-a-ho says “there is someone in the house!” while crying, believe them. You may live through the movie that way.

Ohmigawd Disney Marathon! Nobody persecutes harmless crackpots like Gaston!

“Are you just going to hit me until I get you a beverage?”
“Will that work?”

Goddamnit, hippie werewolf. Stop hugging trees in my backyard!

“Its a lowercase mu!”
“WHY ARE THERE COWS IN YOUR MATH!”

“We’re accusing you of flaming someone, sir. On the *internet*!”
“This is the most realistic CSI episode yet.”

That’s a good computer. Its some Batman shit. They must have seen the Dark Knight and thought “if Bruce Wayne has it, it must be real.”

“Its tragic that she died 2 days after you qualified for half of what she owns.”
“Really? I thought that was the bright side.”

“Led Zepplin are the godfathers of rock.”
“Yeah. The annoying drunk godfathers that touched you when you were five.”

Is it just me or is the new Clint Eastwood movie just about killing Mexicans?

“You make having no sense of style look good.”

“So am I invited to the wedding when you and WOW get married?”

Dear Person Who’s Car Alarm Is Going Off, Fuck you. Fuck you. Seriously. Oh shit, I hope that’s not my car! Sincerely, Me

We are, like, one step away from being a sewing circle

Balancing between social networking sites should be an Olympic sport.

“It tastes like budissy.”
“What’s that?”
“Butt, dick, and pussy!”

“Let’s go to the bar!”
“Oh sweet, I love that place!”

I can’t even explain my epic wisdom in 140 character chunks.

I wrote the book entitled “what not to do with your life” so where the fuck are my royalties????????

I wear my heresy proudly upon my skin and I say to you – there is no god but No God and that will be true in the ever, never, and hereafter

Looking at old pictures that seem a lifetime away. If I had a heart left, it might be breaking. It is a strange thing to feel nothing. Only I would fill an album with photos from my worst moments and only I would shriven myself by looking at them.

I forget that I was in love once. I look in my soul and see none of that person left in me. Was the steel worth the trade? I cannot say.

Everything is interesting with good lighting, swift camera cuts, and a rock soundtrack. I’m gonna hire a cinematographer for real life.

Dear CSI, There are many things you rub with qtips. Beetles aren’t one of them. Sincerely, Me

Looking at my calender, I am going to be on the rag TWICE this next tour! God hope that cultural backwater, Europe, knows what a tampon is.

Dear Dave Gahan, My babies. All of them. Yours. Clear? Great. Sincerely, Me

Dear Superbowl Fucktards, That shit doesn’t even start for another 12 hours! Shut up and stop screaming in the street. Please die. Thx, Me

“I’ll fix your laptop fast so we can play WOW together” is the sexiest sentence of 2009!

Dear the Faint, why are your first few records so good and the last one SO bad? Lay off the coke… or go back on it. Sincerely, Me

Some day, I will know the joy of feeding a hippie to an angry badger. Someday…

Dear Dude on a motorcycle outside my window, Your method of conveyance has no doors. I can easily hit you with a baseball bat. Don’t test me

“Jason Massey was charged with capital murder.”
“As opposed to lower case murder?”

“Wait, wait, wait…. can we just get back to what semen smells like for a second?”

Dear People in my Street, You’ve been screaming & dancing in front of my apartment since 10pm. I know I am awesome but this is a little much

Spend a few years as a covert operative and a sunny beach just looks like a vulnerable tactical position with no decent cover.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When you run out of lemonade, call 911

Dear Dinner, why haven’t you learned to cook yourself? Sincerely, Me

Dear Cold and/or Flu That I Have, Oh Yeah? Well, your mom is a whore! Sincerely, Me

A clip of the newest Limp Bizkit comeback song “you stole my f*cking Cloudsong” http://cloudsongsong.ytmnd.com/

‘Happy Valentine’s Day,’ when said correctly, can be translated to ‘FUCK YOU!’

“You can’t approach love like you do earning achievements in Warcraft…”
“Well, why the fuck not???”

Um, some dude on the street just hollered “Please tell me you’re single” at me while I was doing laundry. Stay classy, dude, stay classy.

“You look like a cancer patient.”
“Thanks, I work out.”

It is just me or is Canada’s national anthem lame? they should hire Dragonforce to rewrite it. Canada deserves wailing guitar solos!

“I want to read on the plane but I need a device that has 10 hours of battery life.”
“Its called ‘A BOOK’, you tech junkie!”

Being a tech for a drummer with vdrums is like being a psychologist to a Sim.

“He’s gonna win the Oscar! He played a gay guy!”
“Its the new retard.”

Do you think the woman who recorded the voice mail prompts hates hearing her own voice whenever she gets her messages?

Wow. Money really does show everyone’s true colors and yours is gonna be blood fucking red when I’m done with you.

Watching the original Friday the 13th! “She’s like… HALF a degree from Kevin Bacon right now.”

How many pence in a pound? Is a quid some sort of obscure bird dish? Why are there sheep everywhere? These are my recent google searches.

To quote Welsh tv: “Brandon Flowers, his ego, and whoever else is in the Killers…”

Everyone you love is a hostage, sapping your courage and corrupting your judgment.

I need a Trump of Brand tattoo so I can call my boyfriend to bail me the fuck out of this universe. Know any Trump tattoo artists?

Dear Crappy UK Phone, I hate you with every fiber of my being. Smashing you to bits will be the best part of this tour. Sincerely, Me

When your Mom leaves “call home” comments on your blog, it worries…

“Why are you awake?”
“Can’t sleep.”
“I can hit you in the head with a frying pan. Its sort of like a lullaby, only more effective.”

“We’re both wearing irrelevant goth culture shirts.”

I’m really not comfortable having this conversation a-melodically.

I want to have an all-hunter guild called Master Baiters.

I feel like slamming my head against the wall repeatedly and screaming but subdural hemorrhaging is so passé.

INTERDIMENSIONAL RIFT SALAD!

“If I was a vampire, I’d totally torture people. Even if I wasn’t a vampire, really.”

I get a good vibe from this place. Nice long dinner table! Quiet, well behaved spiders! Graveyard adjacent!

I make it a habit to check any and all gift horses for dental health concerns.

“I just changed my pad and it was like a rare cheeseburger down there.”
“FUCKING EW DUDE!”
“What? You don’t like cheeseburgers?”

“If I married you, I’d have to move to Edinburgh.”
“Is that really a problem?”
“……… so how soon can you have that ring?”

I have learned that there is absolutely nothing that can make me hate airports less.

There is still some of me left inside the shell I built to keep you out

Dear James from Twilight, did you lose your shirt when you were made into an immortal? Want to borrow mine? Sincerely, Me

Good to know that despite years of self-doubt, I’m still an existentialist… On second thought, I suppose that is the defining trait of an existentialist…

Did he break into your childhood and steal it?

Discovery Channel is like my crack.

Philoseraptor literally is my dream man

Dear Life, You’re an April Fool’s Day prank, bro. Sincerely, Me

“Ladies! I just want you to have one cooch of self-respect! One bearded clam of pride! One pubic mound of decency!”

I am selling one pocket pussy – slightly used – one previous owner. And that owner was JAMES BOND!!!!!!!!! He accidentally the whole thing.

A telekinetic bear, you say?

But all is not well in whatever-the-hell-city-this-is-ville…

FUCK YEAH DEADLIEST WARRIOR PREMIER! I’d totally marry a dude capable of wielding a long bow. Fuck an engagement ring, I want a sword!

Put lots of cymbal crashes and play everything in E and it WILL be the hit closing credits song to a teen coming of age movie.

There are some people who make me want to thrust something sharp into their arteries.

“How did Michael J Fox hold still long enough to write a book?”

I just realized my Nintendo DS (aka my on-tour methadone for my Wii addiction) is missing. Its hiding from Grand Theft Auto, I just know it.

I love new cars. They have that “I just bought something totally extravagant while the economy is tanking” smell.

We are the quietest Rock Band ever…

“IF YOU WANT TO LIVE, YOU WILL START SPARKLING!”

We accidentally the whole aquarium…

“Cock! One day, you’ll suck it too!”

“Friends share needles.”

“I learned your weakness, vampire, and it is vagina.”

“I’m gonna get fins because I’m a gay fish.”
“Why don’t you get 2 penises where the fins should be and a fin where the penis goes? Genius!”

Dear my hair, I know I’ve dyed you 17 shades of black but I’d like you to become blonde now. Thanks, mgmt.

Some days you feel like a nut. Some days you feel like a serial killer.

Dear World of Warcraft, Stop making me respec every patch! Thanks, mgmt

“Thank god these fat italian plumbers are really good at jumping…”

Only in the Senate can the word ‘Reconciliation’ mean ‘FUCK YOU’

Swine flu outbreak? You know with all these bird flu/mad cow/etc animal diseases, maybe we should just kill all the animals…

Dear Conservative Fuckheads, I’d rather be a socialist with heath care instead of a capitalist without it. Sincerely, Me

I go back and forth daily on what I think is the best course of action. My life needs a more linear story line.

“The day I walk into a sparklepire party, I’m out!”

“So why didn’t Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?”
“You need to stop watching Twilight.”

My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it

Wolverine is now following me on Twitter? Sweet. Please don’t cut me, sir.

Matt has been doing impressions of Jewish God for an hour. “What, you want I should reach down and smite him? I already sent two plauges!”

I murdered the dance floor. Call the cops.

Dilemma: be late or lose my daily quest achievement. Solution: late it is!

Someone just told me “I love your tattoo! Its so tribal!” Excuse me? Tribal? Does this look like ’96?! Fuck off and die.

“It was the first place I ever saw a guy with a whip sticking out of his ass.”

I just got an overwhleming urge to listen to “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey. HOLD ON TO THAT FEEELLLAAAAEEEEOOOOO!!!!!

“16SS’s Todd P. was influenced by AC/DC & Metallica? Really MusicChoice? Because it sounds like he was influenced by shit, dog shit, and rape”

Friendship is what really resolves and mitigates lonliness while not compromising the self the way romantic love does.

I’m moving through this day like a severed head that finishes a sentence.

All the other gals are calling their significant others. I’m trying to load the new Yahtzee video on the Escapist. Priorities…

(202): therell be strippers and coke right? (703): no strippers. just coke. (202): i hate this fuckin recession

dude, that chick needs to back off the bablefish translator and get a real life.

Ka may ha may ha highway is the fucking funniest shit ever.

“They should call this ‘kamahamaholyslowdrivers highway’”

At Sunset Beach. The guys next to us have an inflatable beer pong rack. Kinda epic.

I think my power animal is the Sea Otter…

you should say “Fiche moi le paix”. It means “Elissa would never try to get you in trouble, really.”

The woman next to us in the airport definitely said “fiddlesticks” in all seriousness just now.

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you’re making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

Dear Sleep, WTF? I need you. Do I need to sacrifice a goat or something so I can go to bed? GRR! Sincerely, Me

Kierkegaard defines dread as the knowledge of what you must do to prove you are free, even if it will destroy you.

Stop living as a reaction to circumstance and start living as a force for what you say should be.

Everything is funnier in retrospect, funnier and prettier and cooler. You can laugh at anything from far enough away.

Time to read some Bret Easton Ellis… because apparently I don’t fucking despise humanity enough…

I just had the awful realization all of my Star Trek DVDs are in Massachusetts. KHAN!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyone below the C2 demographic has gone what is medically known as Batshit Bonkers & have taken to the streets to twat each other w/ sticks

There’s no place like 127.0.0.1

(540): what do you have against ST(1-540): DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.

Kirstie Alley is all the fuck over Wrath of Khan. I didn’t know Vulcans ate that much cake.

“Does this person have a name?”
“Zach.”
“You mean that pallid little fuck who looks like Edward Scissorhands only more smug about it?!?”

So we’ve had like, what, 6 big earthquakes in 6 months? Any chance we’re gonna become an island nation soon?

Who was the first Shaolin monk who was like “I think Buddha wants me to kick a little ass today?”

Hey Copernicus, why don’t you navigate to the back of the line with your feet and stand there with your shirt?

Just overhead: “I love the smell of my vajay. I wish they made vagina-scented perfume.” o_O WAT?

I have been informed that I’d probably enjoy life more were I not so cynical. This tiger can’t change her stripes so cynic I’ll be.

Some shitty show is filiming here & a truck was blocking my parking garage. Dude asked if I wanted to be an extra. NO! I WANT TO PARK MY CAR

“You’re gonna go Richard the 2nd on the moats thing?”
“Fuck yeah, strap in!”

I have ‘Outta my head’ by Ashley Simpson stuck in my head and I want it outta my outta my head, get outta my head!

This is the way the world ends; not with a bang but with an alarm clock.

God has no mother, just bullets

Some absolutely peerless screenwriting in this movie. “I am taking these people to Coruscant.” “Where are you taking them?” “To Coruscant.”

You’d think somewhere along the line, someone in the Star Wars universe would realize the Queen of Naboo uses decoys.

My mood is badder than Michael Jackson.

The impending onset of “lady time” calls for Manic Street Preachers, peppermints, and first person shooters.

4 people have asked me out today and its not even 3pm. Must be my flipflops and oversized black tshirt/jeans combo that scream “let’s fuck.”

Nevermind. I’m just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.

Dear My Vagina, Wouldn’t life be so much more awesome if instead of bleeding once a month, you just made cookies? Easy Bake Vajay. Love, Me

I wouldn’t have so much trouble moving heavy objects if I possessed a) a cloner or b) more than 2 guy friends that aren’t gay, goth, or both. Quoth Josh: “you need less sissy man friends.” This is not to say gay guys & goths can’t lift heavy objects. Its just the goths are still sleeping and the gays are too smart for this shit

Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Society deteriorating rapidly. Nation’s capitol likely not safe.

What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory

 

It’s Quotin’ Time!

Platypuses: the werewolves of the duck world.

“So, your difficulty is 3 which is stupid.”
“Iknorite?”
“Better use it now, cuz it’ll be harder later.”
“….When we’re running for our lives.”

I just realized I haven’t done the Hokey Pokey in about 10 years. I guess when you get older, you forget what it’s all about…

Gotta admit, I get kinda offended when my wifi tries to connect me to the “-guest” network in my own fucking house…

Returning some Doritos because the double XP code for Halo was not printed on the bag. This is what hardships are like for white people.

reality is jumping the shark right now

“We’re gonna have a montage! A montage!”
“Super sweet blacksmithing montage!”

“Can we change his appearance with magic?”
“Anne could just punch him.”
“That’s Forces 3!”

Well-to-douche

This Walgreens has too much swag right now

you can lose a good chunk of time endorsing people on #linkedin. it’s like “hot or not” for the working world.

Every system of knowledge is also a system of ignorance.

If SXSW is spring break for nerds then CES is a bachelor party for middle managers.

I can’t think of five Android games I want to play, and I now I have THREE CONSOLES to play them on.

Los Angeles: where our cable company doesn’t advertize it’s fast internet or cheap channels but that it offers personal concierge service.

If hipsters like mustaches so much, why do hipster girls still wax their upper lips? #Hipstercrites

I know Lady Time is imminent because I nearly started crying at a Fresh Step cat litter commercial. Being a girl is awful.

I hope the light at the end of the tunnel is a computer screen…

I think it’s about time Hollywood remakes the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It’s been over an hour since the last one was released. A whole hour!

Life isn’t about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It’s who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

“What British metal band released ‘Dusk in Her Embrace’ & ‘Cruelty and the Beast’?”
“The Beatles?”
“The Who?”
“… I hate you both so hard.”

“Daniel Ash and Kevin Haskins formed what band after the breakup of the Bauhaus?”
“The Boohoos?”

“That’s a Dil-don’t!”

Suck my cockiness.

My WWE name would be: Vonn E. Gut

“GOD, I can’t tell if he’s hot or really ugly!”

I have a fireplace in my bathroom at my parents’ house. Let me tell you, nothing says “Christmas Magic” like shitting to it’s rosy glow.

Also, I had to teach my mom the meaning of the word “flossy”. At this rate, they will be learning 2012 slang in another 20 or so years.

WRAPPING THINGS THAT AREN’T SQUARE IS IMPOSSIBLE

“If you have something to say, now is the perfect time to keep it to yourself.”

“I never said I was logical!”
“I would never accuse you of such ridiculousness. Not even once.”

You guys, I think I might be a Cylon…

“So what’s your advice?”
“Get on your knees and start kissing anything that remotely resembles an ass!”

Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent

The bags under my eyes are designer

I thought there would be a lot more trust falls in adulthood… summer camp failed me there. Also, why no macaroni pictures in museums?

“We’re all gonna die.”
“No. It’s already 12/21 in New Zealand and they are fine.”
“No one is gonna kill New Zealand!”
“It’s not a person!”

Before we all die tomorrow, there is something I have to confess……. I let the dogs out.

I texted my friend in New Zealand this morning, which is weird because the Mayans should have killed him by now.

“WE’RE IN THE PITS OF HELL! I’m also Tweeting.”

“I am NOT showing my feet on the webcam! I’m invoking my privilege as Storyteller!”

Oh god, we found the rage faces in Google Hangouts….

“So we can’t draw dicks right now, is what you are telling me?”
“Yes. No dicks.”
“UG WHY!!!!”

why is everyone so sure this isnt hell

“I miss Halloween.”
“Did you just go to a haunted house, like, two weeks ago?”
“What’s your point?”

Texas Chainsaw Mascara

The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.

“I think we need more, and bigger wolves. Semi-automatic wolves, if possible.”

Ducks don’t have sphincter muscles? God, the weird shit I learn on the internet…

“From the dawn of time, mankind has sought to optimize it’s social media. From hashtags on cave walls to Cavebook, early man loved social.”

Friends last about 10 seasons in LA, much like the show.

You may not think I have more than 1 chin but my iPhone camera will prove you wrong

“League of Legends” sounds too pretentious. How about “League of Dudes Who Are Pretty Chill, You Might Know A Few”?

Where do people in the fucking movies get all this chloroform? Like, seriously, do they just sell it in 7/11 and I just never noticed?

You know what? I’m going to sell my car and stop polluting. Instead, I’m just going to hire 4 men to carry me around on a throne. #GoGreen

When God closes a door, he opens a window. So God’s pretty clearly getting high in his dorm room.

If she’s one in a million, that means there are 37 of her in California.

Growing up, I always thought that quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be.

“My whole life is a shopping spree. One… big… dark… shopping spree.”

I like to pretend all Metallica died after the Black album. And then an unrelated country band recorded Load and Reload. Then they died too.

When FOX News talks about the “war on Christmas,” what they really mean is they are hoping Santa will bring them a US invasion in Iran

Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

Nathan Drake looks so dreamy on the Bioshock Infinite cover.

Hey @TheMissE apparently your condition has a name. “@TheFactsBook: Nomophobia is the fear of being without a cell phone.”

To paraphrase Mark Twain, “Don’t fuckin’ paraphrase me, bro!”

“Please consider the environment before printing this email” Who in the name of Earth’s evergreen butthole prints out emails?

TMZ would have no content if Lindsay Lohan didn’t exist.

It’s a color. Don’t you own a dictionary? RT @mashable Is “red” a color or a feeling?

His and Hearse

The problem with doing everything is you have no time for doing nothing.

If someone sends you 5 texts in a row, and you don’t respond, that’s basically going to be their suicide note.

“I’m really hung, over.” – Walkie-talkie sexy talk

PARTY TIP: Don’t be sad, just be rad.

I’ve decided to skip the step of “wearing” lipstick and just go straight to eating it.

Literally just stubbed my toe on an actual mace that I’ll now use to beat my roommate’s face with.

I used to feel bad for Lindsay Lohan. Then I felt bad for feeling bad for her. THEN I realized SHE probably feels bad for ME, so whatever.

“I’m Google Plus Famous!” – said no one ever

Part of me wishes i were at the parade since it’s 2 blocks from my house. I’ll just pretend that my couch is a float and I’m Mario Lopez

don’t think of it as losing half a pair of socks – think of it as GAINING THE FREEDOM to kill the other sock any way you wish.

“I AM SO HORNY! WE ARE SO JEWISH, THIS IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!” http://youtu.be/sGZefn3GiKQ

“WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!”
“Me? I didn’t do shit. I’m lazy.”
“Oh. Good point.”

“Hey, how many inches of frosting do you want?”

“Have we eaten a single thing with a vitamin in it since Thanksgiving?”
“Ummmmmmmmmmmm. No.”

I should record my hungover friends vomiting. I could make a MASTERFUL death metal record with that as the vocals….

“Have you SEEN Robert Smith lately?!?! He looks like an exploded burrito with hair!”

“Work hard, don’t party at all” – my motto, apparently

“Do You Hear What I Hear?” Christmas carol or frenzied whispers of an institutionalized schizophrenic? You decide.

“You better not be changing the channel. They have hot boys now.”
“I’m turning it up so we can hear their penises.”

Remember, life is short. Don’t forget to stop and Instagram the roses.

“I could give 2 shits about what people think.”
“So…. you shit twice?”
“What can I say? I have a healthy colon.”

“I often worry than mankind is going to start World War III simply because we enjoy trilogies.”

“Hang on, I gotta call you back. I gotta color code these condoms real quick.”

“I assume that you must be fierce as fuck.”

“Hey. I’ve sucked enough dick to know I’m not gay.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah. I wait all year to use that line.”

he iPhone is SUPER EXPENSIVE! Mine cost $3,345.98 with Apple Care, 4 cases, Beats headphones, 5 extra chargers, Bose dock & back up iPhone

Oh, your band has a singer and a screamer harmonizing over electro-metalcore riffs? Shut up and take my money, Entire Genre Of Music.

“No more indie music! I can’t be ironically sad about anything else today.”

“I’m no meteorologist, but I’m pretty sure it’s raining bitches.”

“It is your curse, to bear for all of eternity and wander the earth knowing info about shitty bands.”

Someone keeps sending me “dyke bitch” hate mail. How do I explain that I’m neither a lesbian nor a barrier of earth built to prevent floods?

“I bet Hitler would have LOVED unskippable cutscenes.”

we’ll we’ll we’ll if it isn’t autocorrect…

“Dude. Let’s become Twinkie dealers!!!!”

“Shallow graves for shallow people.”

“People need to understand how to make a hashtag in an emergency. I mean, I know you’re getting shot at but I need a hashtag to follow.”

“We have to keep working. We can’t leave. Who will watch the kittens if we’re gone?!?!?”

Whoever is livestreaming these kittens has seriously improved my entire life. We should airdrop monitors playing this into wartorn areas.

“I want to marry the kitties.”

I need a wife. And by ‘wife’, I mean ‘live-in maid and cook’.

What doesn’t kill you certainly has the potential to try again.

I hate it when a band’s poster for a show listed the opening acts as “and friends”. Fuck you. You’re not my friends.

google how do i cause the end of the world?

“Are you REALLY playing Nickleback right now? This is how you remind me, Ollie.”
“Yeah, of how we don’t like you.”

“I wish I was born with bee hands.” – Annie Thrax, philosopher.

“What if my version of reading tea leaves was reading the foam on people’s beer?”

Literally singing “Hey meow, hey meow meow, sing this corrosion to me” to my cat. Sometimes, I am too goth to live…

Dear Christmas Music, Get the fuck out. Sincerely, Me

“I’m throwing myself into traffic later if you want to meet up.”

“I miss hunting easter eggs. Looking for my cell phone in all my dirty laundry is NOT the same thing.”

“This would have been so much better if you just made me a GODDAMN SANDWICH!”
“I can’t hear you over my COMPLETE LACK OF INTEREST!”

“If she’s had lots of kids, it makes fisting easier.”
“Elbows up? Side to side? Fist like a cholo?”

Everyone is blasting 60s jam rock. I have metal as loud as I can get it in my headphones. Suddenly feels like high school all over again…

#OverheardInWeHo “I’m not ready for threesomes – too emotionally intimate. I’m just gonna stick to orgies.”

I have already had to remind a Republican on Facebook that Canada and the UK are not ideal places to move to escape “socialism.”

California, where we know we want condoms on our porn stars, but don’t want money in our schools.

Do Canadians tweet this much when they elect their moose king?

“Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Fuck You. Fuck you.”

Not to split hairs, ABC, but a bunch of tech nerds chanting “USA” in Times Square is hardly “pandemonium.”

“Can’t wait for the news to call California for Obama. It’s the Mario kart turbo boost of the presidential race.”

ABC has totally pulled Diane Sawyer aside and is frantically feeding her bread, trying to sober her up.

“I’m not saying I’m Batman. I’m just saying nobody has ever seen me and Batman in the same room.”

Today is like watching the season finale of the most entertaining reality show ever.

To avoid confusion as you follow tonight’s events, remember this–it takes 270 Electoral College votes to end the NHL lockout.

“Would I do that? … without a recipe?” – Jeremy on killing and eating baby seals

“Each post reads like an energy drink got into a fight with a keyboard.”

“Did you just tell her to sass the Strigoi?”
“WHAT?!?! It’ll probably work!!!”

“I dominate the mist.”
“Is that like attacking the darkness?”

“And I don’t collect herbs”

“I’m sorry, i just like linear gaming. Blue side-boobe”

Just went outside and confirmed it is in fact hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain. Well played, Guns N’ Roses.

Dear Science, Stop trying to cure cancer and just invent a laser that shoots freshly toasted onion bagels directly into my mouth.

“OMFG WTF ARE YOU DOING STOP YOU’RE RUINING IT!” – me, every time anyone does anything on Facebook. Ever.

“I hate that a woman’s wedding is referred to as ‘the most special day of her life’. Fuck you. My Special Day is the first time I saw GWAR.”

“I call you my friend because saying ‘Person I Grudgingly Tolerate’ takes too many characters on Twitter.”

Just when I thought I could sleep…. the emails begin… This is why time zones should be illegal. Stupid round planet…

“What percentage of my communication would you like to be G.I. Joe themed?”

Today George Lucas is 4 Instagrams richer

Officially changing my title to “Meeting attendee.”

FUCK A HURRICANE, WE ARE FINALLY GUNNA HAVE HAN SOLO IN KINGDOM HEARTS….

Scientists say #HurricaneSandy likely linked to record ArcticSea loss this yr but fuck them they’re just scientists what does the bible say?

The United States has Sandy in its Virginia. #ZING

After 2 hours of iCarly, please God make the power go out.

When I become President I will disband the National Weather Service and let state’s dictate what the weather is #Sandy

So both tunnels out of the city are closed & bridges are closing tonight. When do I get to meet Bane? #sandy

This “Sandy” who’s on TV all the time and is blowing the entire east coast, I assume she’s a Kardashian right?

What is Gangnam Style is really a rain dance and we brought Hurricane #Sandy on ourselves????

To stand in solidarity with my brothers and sisters on the East Coast, I’m not going to go into work all week either! #sandy

New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.

“I’m so excited, I just bought a yacht!”

“Previously, on Walking Dead…” – Announcer.
“Yeah, on SEASON ONE!” – Me

“What, am I NOT gonna be in a panda outfit?!??!” – @ramidearest

The only thing worse than Azakaban is Monday.

“You’re a witch AND a ninja. You’re a witchja!”

Dubstep concert cancelled because teenagers don’t know how to do drugs

I wish someone would make a horror version of “How I Met Your Mother” called “How I Met Your Murderer”. Also, a goth romance movie called “Must Love Bats”. You’re welcome for your new box office smash, Hollywood.

The only thing that would suck about being immortal is if you got sentenced to life in prison….. #DeepThoughts

“All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.”

Achievement Unlocked: Doctor’s Office Pro.

I just legitimately saw a picture of a girl in a fierce dress and had to stop myself from saying “ohhhh biiiiitch” out loud. #FagHagProblems

He’s Just Not That Into U2 #MovieBands

Whitesnakes on a Plane #MovieBands

The Wizard of Ozzy Osbourne #MovieBands

Interview with the Vampire Weekend #MovieBands

#moviebands Charlie and the C&C Music Factory

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Artist Formerly Known as Prince #moviebands

The Empire Strikes Backstreet Boys #MovieBands

Horton Hears The Who #MovieBands

Guns ‘N’ Rosemary’s Baby #MovieBands

My Chemical Romancing the Stone #MovieBands

The Dark Crystal Method #MovieBands

“brb, Jigsaw wants to play a game with me.”
“Turns out, it’s charades.”

My PTAT is higher than your PTAT.

Hello awful vomitty feeling. I thought we’d agreed to never see each other again.

GET YOUR GODDAMN CHRISTMAS SHIT OFF MY FUCKING TELEVISION UNTIL AFTER HALLOWEEN!!! Know your fucking place, Holiday Advertising!

If you can’t find a country on a map, you shouldn’t be allowed to bomb it. #horsesandbayonets

Is no one going to address Chinese Democracy? That album sucked. #debates

Dear Raging Migraine, I thought I got a restraining order on you back in ’96? I’m calling the cops…

When do they stand up and start battle rapping again? This is getting boring #debates #freestyle

I think they should have a geography quiz where both candidates have to point to Libya, Egypt & Syria on a map.

Foreign policy primer: Besides the US, there are 6 countries in the world. They are Israel, Iran, China, Libya, Syria and Afghanistan.

Siri Navigation sounds exactly like me, drunk, at 2 am, thinking I know better than the cab driver.

I’m fairly certain that Apple Maps is programmed to kill me.

“I need to lose weight in my vagina.” #OverheardInHollywood

I find I say “I will stab every last inch of your soul” about 10 times a week.

Sinister was pretty good for a horror movie where I’m pretty sure the monster is the drummer from Slipknot…

“Twitter is Over Capacity.” Twitter is currently Avada Kedavraing my patience.

When it quits unexpectedly, you sometimes need to hold both buttons and force a reset. #Relationships

Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult

I spend significant portions of my life playing rock, paper, scissors. #RetestAwesome

“Are you drunk?”
“No, I’m just walking in a serpentine pattern to avoid snipers.”

“What’s my creature type?”
“Douche.”

“Being in the bathroom gives me Auspex.”

I’m so tired. I think my Garou name is gonna be “Grumpy Tiger, Sleeping Werewolf.”

“You’re boring me to death! And I’m already dead! You’re boring me back to death!”

Roses are Red. Violets are Blue. I like it when you smell like a Christmas tree. Also you can’t rhyme anything with the word elbow I checked

I DESERVE A DEATH RAY. I would be ever-so responsible with it!

Getting my vamp on!

Dancing with vampires at Atlanta by Night

Deja Quote

“I’m pretty sure, and you can quote me on this, EVERYONE loves dick.”

“Look, my magical powers are only effective when I’m blackout drunk. Soooo……… gonna help with that?”

“Listen, I have seen documentaries, like ‘Hellraiser’, and they prove that Monsters are real, and you just don’t know science.”

Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriends should band together to create a compilation album entitled “Maybe it’s not us, it’s you…”

“There is a beer in my fridge I’m going to need you to drink.”
“Yeah. I’m pretty much an alcoholic, so I got this covered.”

Had a dream that zombies tried to kill the president but I stopped them with brain-flavored apple pie. ‘Merrricuh? #IHaveWeirdDreams

Just legitimately shot so many zombies so accurately that the other people in the maze complained I killed everything. #IWillSurvive

Cutting PBS support (0.012% of budget) to help balance the Federal budget is like deleting text files to make room on your 500Gig hard drive

“So, it feels like…”
“Chicken tonight?”

The only party i believe in is http://lemonparty.org

Romney & Obama would’ve been great at transfiguration. They can take simple questions & transform them into completely unrelated responses!

Somewhere, Bill Clinton is shouting answers to all of Jim Lehrer’s questions at his television

“I feel like Facebook just needs to hire you to curate the entire site for the month of October.” – @RanCiel810

“Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this?” – Me, every time I watch a horror movie. #WhyAmIDoingThis

Handsome wanna-be actor type doing a really bad and slightly racist impression of Obama. Ahhhh LA, I have missed you

10 am and time to roll dice

I feel a spree coming on. It’s either a “shopping” one or a “killing” one. That’s up to you.

“This laundry is cold. My guess is it’s been done for at least 20 minutes.” – Laundry & Order

Two hundred twenty-one years after its ratification, people are alarmed to realize the First Amendment may mean seeing things they dislike.

Atavan + The Avengers = The Atavangers?

“Stop trying to use enigmas for everything!!!!!”

“I’m not a fucking rogue!” – @TraceyAlgire #MageWednesdays

“Despite what you read about me in my Wikipedia page, I am not afraid of you.”

“Do you know her ears know Kung Fu… but the rest of her doesn’t.”

“Go cry yourself into a box of razor blades, you bitch.”

“Vaginas don’t have bones! Well, they do have bones but they don’t have rib cages. They should though.”

Do you guys think Tom will be my friend again after all this time?? #newmyspaceproblems

I’ve decided I’m not going to have kids. I am not ready for the commitment of uploading that many photos to Facebook.

“Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the reason I have trust issues…”

“Do I need two suitcases to go out of town for 3 days? No, of course not. Don’t be silly. I’ll need at least three.”

“Every woman I’ve walked by today has looked me straight in the camel toe.”

“Can we just fund NASA and not have wars? Except for space wars. Cuz that shit is awesome.”

I had dreams that my coworkers were buying advertisements to run on my nightmares. I need to stop doing ad buys at 1am…

“I refuse to upgrade to iOS 6 until Apple’s Maps App becomes more reliable than trying to navigate by the sun like I’m in Game of Thrones.”

“I call shenanigans with the most amount of shenanigans I have ever called.”

“Don’t look a gift email in the mouth…”

“Due to copyright issues, Talk Like A Pirate Day today has been canceled. But Talk Like A Licensed User Day is coming soon.”

“Social Media is like fucking sheep – everyone is doing it.”

“Will someone please invent a way for cereal to not get soggy in milk?”
“They did. It’s called ‘eat your fucking cereal faster.’”

“My mood is as black as Norwegian metal right now…”

“I don’t spend near enough time looking like I should be in The Craft.”

“College is a special time in a person’s life when they realize they’re paying to be in high school, except everyone is much more drunk.”

Watching ‘Boardwalk Empire’ is a reminder of how racist America was. Twitter in an election year is a reminder of how racist we still are.

Turned my birth control into a decorative oyster. Holy shit I luv being a girl http://instagr.am/p/PqYBBVIEJ3/

“Just realized there are a whole bunch of countries unironically speaking French. Huh. C’est la vie.”

This morning, I was standing naked in front of a mirror thinking “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon…”

“I worry about the state of Rap cause the best feud of the decade involved a teenage country star with songs about princesses.”

“I do not like being told what to do unless I’m naked.”

“What if we were to ORGANIZE crime?!?!?!?!”

“I’m gonna take it around to the back. It doesn’t matter as long as it gets in, right?”
“Uggggggggg. That’s what she said…”

“Make them look like whatever spice delivering peasants look like.”
“Old Spice guy?”
“Look at your Mage now back to me now back to your Mage!”

“It’s going to be, like, difficulty 8 because you’re a kinda a douchebag.”

“We’re just gonna go carjack a wagon?” #MageWednesday

“We’re motherfucking fire men. Motherfucking magical ass fire men!”

“It’s always THREE horses…” #MageWednesday

“‘Stand back! I’m going to open this with magic!’ Then I open it with my hands.” #MageWednesday

“You get the sensation of…”
“A York Peppermint patty?” #MageWednesday

“He’s in a combination hot air balloon with a metal basket and a zeppelin. A ‘lead zeppelin,’ if you will.” #EveryoneGroans #MageWednesday

“That’s a good spell. It rhymes. You get more successes when you rhyme.” #MageWednesday

“I now have two dots in Matter… but it doesn’t matter.” #MageWednesday

Seeing all the Halloween stuff in stores makes me skip around singing “It’s the most wonderful time of the yeeeeeeeear”!

“I don’t have enough time! There are too many vampires, you guys!” – me, trying to plan my trip. #ThisIsMyLife #GothGirlProblems

“I’ve figured you out. I’ve figured out who you are. You’re a snooty nerd.”

“Halloween is a lifestyle, not a holiday.”

Zombies never say #YOLO

I want to watch Hellraiser. I also want to sleep without dreaming about demons in my closet or blankets of severed fingers. #GothProblems

Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow. #SprainedMyMouseClickingFinger

“The Legion of Doom’s wifi password: Catwoman is a bitch, all one word, capital B”

“That does it. We’re drinking til we’re pirates.”

Looking to cast two roles for my upcoming rap version of @starwars. Need actors for Biggie the Hutt and Tupacca. Interested? Lemme know.

There is a raven cawing loudly outside my window. Goth morning to you too.

“I’m going to drop out of reality and become a fictional character.”

Thor should really have a @Skittles sponsorship. “Taste the Bifrost!”

Do I have enough junk in my trunk? Am I hording junk in my trunk? Is the junk in my trunk ‘vintage’?

“My nightmares frequently feature too small dirty bathroom stalls that are often filled with people trying to kill me. Figure that out, Freud.”

Watching “Until the Light Takes Us”, which I’m pretty sure is a documentary about Dudes I Would Like To Bang.

“I’m trying to cook something tonight. Just not sure what to make. Any suggestions?……… You all largely responded with some form of pasta or crystal meth. I have concerns.”

I feel like my entire life should be a blog post on ‘Goths In Hot Weather’…

“We need servants.”

Finally watching ‘Drive’. It should really be called “awkward silence and head ‘splosions – the movie”

“It’s a blue moon tonight? So THAT’S why there was a werewolf at the bar tonight! For a second, I thought I was going crazy……”

“Hearing the music of bands that I used to idolize being used to sling pens and razors and shitty cars is heartbreaking.”

“I wish there was an emotional song about that moment you realize you’re almost done with your burrito. Get on that, Taylor Swift.”

“MTV is canceling Jersey Shore??? I hope they replace it with something more intellectual and high-brow, like Bum Fights.”

“Do you know him?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh. I was gonna talk shit.”
“Let’s just talk shit anyway. We’ll pretend I don’t know him.”

“Hey. Guess what. I just met you. And this is crazy. But I have a meeting with Carly Rae Jepsen’s manager on Monday.”

“Creep it real.”

“If you still look cute at the the end of the concert, you didn’t rock hard enough.”

“Can I get a Lok’tar Ogar?”

For everyone starting school tomorrow, allow me to say “AHHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! SUCKERS!”

I need more opportunities in my life to be described as a ‘hellion’.

I just legitimately described humans as “the ultimate content creators.” No. Bad. Too much social media theory. No. Bad Elissa. Bad.

“It makes me depressed to realize we will never, ever have an IRL Jurassic Park.”

Is “done” an emotion? Because, boy, I am feeling it right now.

“I sometimes forget you actually put /b/tard on your resume…”

“We’re gonna share but I’m gonna have most of it.”

The skies are grey and I’m listening to Nine Inch Nails. +2 Goth points!

“The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.”

“Everyone should vote for me in the Presidential election. My platform? I will personally punch every stupid person from coast to coast!”

“Pretty sure what I just did to get away from the spider in my office could qualify as parkour…”

“Avril Lavigne, if you Yoko Ono Nickelback I will be so mad at you!!!”

“I wish there was a way to sleep and also make out at the same time”

“Contract negotiations are so exciting. I prefer them to any sport, ever.”

“Life would be better if it was legal to punch stupid people.”

“Fred Durst is just now getting the news that Limp Bizkit broke up? Does he live in the past? I bet he heard about it on MySpace.”

“I won’t lie – that Robbert Pattinson Cosmopolis movie looks pretty damn good. Sparkle on, Cedric Diggory. Sparkle on.”

Ha! My lawyer says ‘would you kindly’ in emails all the time. I REALLY want to ask her if she has offices in Rapture…

“I am very much in love with no one in particular.”

“Children: God’s little reminders to not have children.”

“For those of you allergic to almonds, you’ll find our cyanide pills come in many flavors. Don’t ask how we know what they taste like.”

“Here is some classic Rami D right here. Straight off my MySpace page.” – @ramidearest

“Having a major episode of: The Inbox Strikes Back”

GETTING AN EMAIL FROM MYSPACE IS LIKE IF YOU ANSWERED THE PHONE & IT’S JUST A DINOSAUR ROARING

“We have to stop Maroon 5!”

Sorry Mrs. Lincoln but if you want to see how the show ends you’ll have to buy another ticket. That’s our policy. #ProgressiveTwitterTeam

“I forgot my helmet. You’re welcome, Zombies.”

The vampires of the sea RT @TheMissE: I want a pet shark

“I’m full of good ideas. They’re just not…”
“They’re just not good ideas?”

“Dress everyday like your gonna get murdered in those clothes”

“I don’t believe in taking anti-depressants. Too many chemicals. I’m just going to drink No More Tears shampoo instead.”

Are the Olympics over yet? Can everyone stop pretending that they care about track now?

“If Michael Wincott and Alan Rickman could have a kid, it would have a voice that could drop girls’ panties at 50 paces.”

“The universe is supposedly made up of protons, electrons, and neutrons. But, in my experience, it’s mostly made up of morons.”

“Cats are the most metal animal. They feed on hatred.”
“And Friskies.”
“Well, yeah, obviously Friskies! Hatred and Friskies, that’s metal.”

“The best, most frightening horror author out there was R.L Stine. Yeah, I said it.”

“The only reason I want to learn other languages is so I don’t sound like a douchebag trying to order food any place that isn’t McDonalds.”

i’d prefer cash, but i suppose living to see tomorrow is also good. RT @TheMissE: @verrrrrrrrrr I pay you in “not fucking murdering you”.

How is it that @NASA can put a rover on another planet but no one in that room can land a solid high five?

#curiosity shoulda picked a different instagram filter, these first photos are shite #msl

I’d like to point out that @NASA can get us data from Mars in a few minutes but @NBC can’t show the Olympics without a 9 hour tape delay…

“Maids are kind of like renting moms who don’t bitch at you for not taking the trash out.”

“I love WiFi more than I love most people.”

“No offense, but I want to set you on fire.”

“I have watched approximately 0% of the Olympics. It is still about 1000% more Olympics than I want to have watched.”

“Oh, we’ll hire whores. Just not idiots.” #WordsToLiveBy

“I spent 2 hours neurotically setting up Bartender and repositioning spells on my Mage in WOW. I swear to god, it’s like Excel with Orcs…..”

“My Country Tis of Thee has the same melody as God Save the Queen. When you think about it, it’s the first diss track in US history.”

I don’t want to embarrass my British pals, but you guys are getting like every single word of “My Country ‘Tis Of Thee” wrong.

“Shakira sounds like what would happen if Jewel and Alanis Morissette got together and had a fierce Latina baby.”

“I wonder if Daniel Radcliffe imagines himself as Harry when he reads the books….”

“I can tell I’m about to start my lady time because I literally want to punch every letter of the alphabet. And that doesn’t even make sense.”

I want to open up a combination Optometrists practice and exorcism shop called “I Saw Dead People”.

“Bolt-Action Fuckface” is the name of my new band, thanks for the inspiration @ZombieStudios. #playBLR

“You explained but it was like ‘something crazy something.’”
“Isn’t that the story of my life?”

Once again, @ramidearest is rapping over conference call hold music…

“Are the British coming or not? I’m staying tuned to NBC for more…”

“I hate people who insult music they dont like and say it takes no talent. No, YOU have no talent. That’s why you’re complaining, not creating.”

Next time I go to @Subway I’m going to order a foot-long peanut butter cookie.

“McDonald’s being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like smoking being the official medicine of cancer.”

Silencing unmuffled motorcycles. #ifihadasuperpower

Is it just me or was this episode of #TrueBlood really terrible? Like ‘Lets get drunk and let the fanfic kids write this episode’ terrible?

“No, Alanis Morissette. It’s like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a dictionary and a high school English class…”

“Mathematics has not invented a number big enough to count all the fucks I do not give about the Olympics.”

“Imagine how much self control the people who make bubble wrap must have…”

Should we be mad at him or the guy he stole the jokes from? RT @TMZ: Dane Cook — Cracking Jokes About ‘Batman’ Massacre

“Moves like Jagger” should involve snorting coke and fucking groupies not Maroon 5.

aside from ‘the gauntlet’ and ‘randy blythe’, the top google search right now is ‘david lee roth is a dick’ for The Gauntlet

“Kristen Stewart apparently issued an apology for cheating on Robert Patterson. While she’s at it, can she apologize for Twilight?”

“Here’s what I’d rather read: 50 Shades of Jean Grey.”

“You know what? I’m being a motherfucking magic elf right now. I don’t need this shit.”

“This song is about to get good. It’s about to drop. Elissa, are you ready for the drop?”
“No. Could you pause it? I’m not ready.”

The proper pronunciation of ‘Ibiza’ makes everyone sound like they have a terminal lisp.

“I’m not looking for classy women. I’m looking for women to make a mistake with me.”

There’s a homeless dude bath saltin’ the fuck out near the fountain by work. Do not make eye contact.

Thank you, Google, for making it clear that I am not the only person to type the search phrase, ‘what does the color of my poop mean?’

“I mean, come on! An open shirt AND pink shorts?!?! Even @Fwiz doesn’t wear pink shorts!”

Terrible Fucking Taste Sweeps Teen Choice Awards

“Join us.”
“Never. You Bible-banging cunts.”

Second showing of The Dark Knight Rises to celebrate the BFF’s bday. He is the Bane to my whoever that chick was…

“giraffe humping a dinosaur.” “quick, put a filter on it” http://instagr.am/p/NXrsvVJN6k/

“There needs to be 2 lists. One, the list of things I won’t lie about, which is short. Second – things I’ll put pants on for. Also short.”

“The more I know you, the more I realize why we are friends – a mutual hatred of Anne Hathaway.”

Do not blow kisses to fucking anybody. Ghosts intercept them mid-flight and put them on their butts.

 

Quotable things and thingable quotes

“You have got to be absolutely shitting the fuck out of me.”

Some woman just told me she was shocked I was so polite because I “look like a freakshow.” I told her I was sorry I couldn’t say the same.

“Some chick invited Tim Tebow to her senior prom which is just plain ridiculous, everyone knows he won’t put out. What a dumbshit.”

“Seize the day and appreciate your life because you could be brutally murdered by Death Eaters at any moment.”

I seriously hate gloomy days like this. Let all that “but I thought you were a goth/vampire/mushroom” comments commence…

“Rub two kids together and they burst into fla- wait. No, that’s twigs. I have the concept down, just not the details.”

“I spent most of my like wearing black and being angsty.” “I spent most of my life wearing colors and being angsty.”

“I deeply need a cupcake”

Guy in the car next to me blasting Metallica, so I turn up my Depeche Mode. This must have happened every day in the 80′s!

“Is it weird that that I think the dude on To Catch A Predator is cute?” “So long as the ‘dude’ you are talking about is over 18, no.”

“The way Hollywood is going, in another few years there is probably going to be a “dark, gritty reboot” of Star Wars starring Christian Bale.”

“Today is one of those days where my computer is acting like it was built on an Indian burial ground or some shit”

“Do not hold a grudge. Hurl the grudge back into the face of whoever wronged you; along with your fists and nearby sharp objects.”

“This is your reminder that Dave Vanian was a gravedigger before he joined The Damned and that’s so cool that it makes me want to cry a bit”

“I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other.”

“Facebook now has 901 million users and all of them have invited me to play FarmVille.”

“Earthquakes in LA are like memes on the internet; that was so ten minutes ago.”

#LostShakespearePlays Much Ado about Nothing but a G Thang

“Facebook bought AOL. Big deal. Even my mom coulda bought AOL with the money she made from recycling those free discs they mailed every day.”

Can we please just rename Game Of Thrones to “A Practical Guide To Falling In Love With Tyrion Lannister”?

“I like your jacket.” “thanks. The Japanese made it.” “the Japanese don’t make anything in our size. Except Godzilla.”

Dear Internet, I’ll tell you when I want to open a new window.

Another fine edition of #ShitSocialMediaManagersSay

“Ever have one of those days where you want to reply to every email you get in caps lock?”

“The spikes in your blood pressure today could power a car” “I am 3 secs from killing everyone” “can i take bets on who ur gonna punch 1st?”

“Eeehhee!”
“The wind spirit is trolling you.”

“You can come with me. You will not piss off my people.”

“I know not, I am but a tree.”

“Many is one. One is many–”
“We KNOW!!”

“Of course the Staaaaaaag spirit told you.” #WerewolfSarcasm

“Hey Max, is that that the Narthalus?”

“I’m going to slit my wrists tomorrow, aren’t I?”
“It’s ok. I’ll bring gauze.”

“You started it! You started talking about weed!”
“I started talking about Bob Marley!”
“Well…. you hair is green!”

“We have fans of goth and metal and darkness.”

“Well, it could be sarcastic.” – @sarahdope on her fortune cookie

I AM GOING TO STAB YOUR SOUL WITH MY LASER EYES

I want to sit the world down and explain how to properly use social media. But then I realize I’d be out of a job. Keep on sucking, humanity

It’s kinda weird they Obi Wan Kenobied TuPac at #Coachella. Just sayin.

The best birthday present I have gotten so far is a Hipster-free weekend in LA. Thanks #Coachella!

“Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.”

“forget #YOLO – i subscribe to the ILAMTAIGDW philosphy. pronounced eye-lamb-tie-guh-dwuh, meaning I LIVE AS MANY TIMES AS I GODDAMN WANT!”
“I prefer #IAAVB myself. ‘I Am A Vampire, Bloodbag.’”

“You should wear him as a suit and make him Obfuscate you.” “That’s a good idea. Ima make me an Ian suit!”

“I’ll be in this hallway masturbating. Praise Caine.”

“vampire night strikes again”

“Sanctus. Dominos. Pizza Rolls.”

“What kind of math is that?!?!?”
“That’s fucking vampire math.”

“It’s difficulty 6.”
“I thought it was higher.”
“Don’t look a gift Difficulty in the mouth.”

“I want to have your undead sparkle babies.”

“My admiration for you went from a 10 to a 2.”
“Well, I did put you in the floor.”
“And turned me into a jacket.”

“Gonna ride the Caine Train! Rock you like a hurri-Caine!” – Cali’s Sermon of Caine

“We’re going under the capital to kill Ian then out to the boondocks to kill me because Fred is a dick.”

“It’s impossible to create a tabletop game of subtle vampire horror when you’re players are busy creating a raver zombie Thriller army.”

New idea for Taco Bell: taco shells made out of deep fried chicken. Make it happen.

Mark Zuckerberg is stupid for buying Instagram for a billion, you can download it for free in the app store.

“This is all I hear all day in our office – ‘unicorns and vampires.’”
“Hey. I haven’t talked about vampires in at LEAST an hour.”

Rick Santorum suspending his campaign to be President of the 1950′s.

“What if I came up with a meme today?”
“That’s going on twitter.”
“You’re creating really great content for me since all I do is RT you.”

“Is this now? I thought it was Monday. Oh wait. It is Monday.” – @ramidearest, totally on top of shit.

ROBERT ANDERSEN BUYS CAPPUCCINO FOR $3 IN FLAVOR ACQUISITION MOVE.

My Twitter feed is full of butthurt about Facebook buying Instagram. Don’t be mad that Mark Zuckerburg is the living “all the things” meme.

Oh fuck. “He is Risen” is trending. Has the zombie apocalypse finally started?? I have my baseball bat and shotgun ready!

My power words are “fuck you.” Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t do something or aren’t good enough. Say it with me: “FUCK YOU.”

Google this: 1.2+(sqrt(1-(sqrt(x^2+y^2))^2) + 1 – x^2-y^2) * (sin (10000 * (x*3+y/5+7))+1/4) from -1.6 to 1.6

“Why is today called “Good Friday” when it commemorates someone’s murder? In that case, I’ve done a lot of good. You’re welcome, world.”

HOW CAN CATERPILLARS EVOLVE INTO BUTTERFLIES? WHY CAN’T THEY BE INTELLIGENTLY DESIGNED INTO BUTTERFLIES? #GOPWarOnCaterpillars

CATERPILLARS CHANGE INTO BUTTERFLIES. DO WE WANT THAT KIND OF FLIP FLOPPING IN OUR OFFICE? #GOPWarOnCaterpillars

IF WE LEGALIZE CATERPILLAR MARRIAGE, THE CHILDREN WILL BE CONFUSED. MOSTLY BY CATERPILLARS GETTING MARRIED. #GOPWarOnCaterpillars

“I’ve never heard Depeche mode. Oh wait. This is Depeche Mode? I hate it. It’s good we all have different tastes in music.”
“NO IT’S NOT!”

“I don’t know if I want to watch ‘Game of Thrones’ or masturbate.”
“Can’t you do both?”
“I’m not good at multitasking.”

“This is what you get for not watching it when it aired!”
“We were 8 minutes late! And I was TiVoing it!”
“Where’s your faggot god now?!”

“Whatever! My room is clean!”
“No it’s not. It’s that other thing. ‘Not clean’.”

“I hope he gets hit by a bus. And a piano.”
“What about a bus carrying a piano?”
“And a meteor. That’s real hate. That’s galactic hate.”

“I don’t have larceny.”
“I love that you guys have such well rounded characters.”
“Really?”
“No. I was being sarcastic.”

“How come we don’t get XP from botching? WHY WON’T YOU LET US LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES????”

“The 4th Step Up movie is called…ready for it… Step Up Revolution.”
“It is set during the American Revolution? Cuz that would be awesome.”

“I think this day needs precisely 11.3% more whimsy…”

“Oh you have swag? I bet that looks great on a resume.

“It makes the Jedi seem like such… Uh… What’s the word…”
“Dicks?”
“That too.”

“You need to do a Sermon of Caine.”
“Caine, Caine, he’s our man. If he can’t do it, no one can?”
“That’s not very Lasombra.”
“Lasombra, Lasombra, that’s our clan. If we can’t do it, no one can?”

“I’m going to write a blog about what a dick you are.”
“I’m going to troll your blog.”
“I’M GOING TO TROLL YOU IN HELL.”

“Are the Republican candidates trying to become president of Toys-R-Us or something? First Pokemon, now the Etch-A-Sketch.

“When in doubt, freak ‘em out.

“Happy St. Patrick’s Day. I’m celebrating by wearing all black, staying sober, and listening to VNV Nation.”

“IKEA is delivering some furniture today…. which means I will spend the next six hours trying to fucking put this bookshelf together.”

“I love this song.” – @ramidearest, on this annoying non-stop loop of hold music.

“Woke up in the middle of the night due to Hyper Cat and the Case of the Oncoming Cold. This is the Nancy Drew novel from Hell.”

“You are conscious…. which is about the only good thing we can say for your situation.”

“We are so bad at being vampires, we are turning into werewolves.”

“I heard loud laughter from the conference room and saw someone’s Twitter. I put two and two together and figured it was either vampires or werewolves.”

“Why are they shooting at me? Who sees me?”
“Well, you did just break an entire window.”
“It could be a silent window!”

“Please tell me those a fleeing victims. And those are not lights, they are moon roofs.” – Cali, about the legion of incoming police cars

“Take pity on me!” – Calista, after botching her awe roll to said fleet of angry cops.

“Fire is the only thing that can kill a Twilight vampire.”
“Really? I thought it was any character with a two dimensional personality.”

“Beware the Ides of March! Make sure you celebrate by eating a Caesar salad and/or going to an orgy today.”

“Beware ‘The Ides of March’!” – William Shakespeare, film critic

“New rule. You cannot bring prostitutes to business dinners.” #OutOfContextOfficeQuotes

Just heard the best possible tag line for Battleship: “Let the bodies hit D-4″

“Is that a bong? Is that a vagina? Is that a vagina in a box?” #OutOfContextOfficeQuotes

It makes me sad that the “Science Fiction Series” section at the bookstore has now become “books based on videogames.”

I wish you would burn your eyes out.

I wish you were blind.

Then your eyes couldn’t see me, poke holes in me, pass judgement on me because of what I choose as the cover for my naked flesh. Black jeans and leather jackets, satin corsets over yards of tulle, ripped up sweatpants and a shirt two sizes too big – what matter are any of these choices to you? Did a leather jacket attack your father? Did a corset make a pass at your mother? What grave insult did sweatpants inflict upon you in the past that you must repay those same insults on my person?

Or perhaps it is that concealed flesh that so offends you, with all it’s adornments. Do my tattoos crawl from my skin while I sleep to torment you? Did every little prick of a piercing harm you instead of me? Your words prick me more than any needle, dig into places that cannot bleed but yet still harm and harry. Surely, it cannot be that you have a little prick (or are nothing but a prick) that causes you to speak malice to a passing stranger. Surely, there must be some wrong that I have done.

If not my flesh and it’s adornments, perhaps what grows from it? It must be my hair, unruly mess of curls and Brillo pad filaments that it is. The ever-changing multitude of colors that sprouts riotous from my head – a head you fill with aching after every unkindness – this must be the villain that has so wounded you. I know it wounds me, every time I run a brush through it’s tangles.

Or perhaps these claws that curve from my fingers have scratched you? True, my claws would not shame most great predators. A tiger’s are longer. A bear’s are more suited to rip and rend. In truth, my claws are often bitten short. The cuticles are ragged, the nailbed specked with remnants of black polish. But my claws must be mighty indeed, to provoke so many attacks!

What have I done, strangers of the street, that makes you feel that you must talk to me, judge me, condemn me upon our first glance? Some of you come with kindness and compliments. Others greet me with four-letter words. Still others heap scorn or question my upbringing. Still more assume I’m a drug-addict, so spiraled into chemical dependance and depravity that I must be homeless on the street in my hand-made bustier and Christian Louboutin heels.

If it is not my adornments – not heels nor hair nor tattoos nor tulle – that provoke you such, why can I not step outside without the constant judgement of strangers? Ah – I found the answer! “Because you want attention!” Of course. Any person who looks different from the norm is doing it to cause a stir from the crowd like a peacock fanning it’s majestic plumage for a mate. That’s why girls in short skirts deserve to be raped, right? Because she wanted the attention. That’s why a gay man kissing his lover deserves to be beaten, right? Because they wanted the attention. That’s why it’s okay to call people with a different skin tone those funny little nicknames they like so much. Right?

Wrong. It’s not okay to insult others. It’s not okay to judge them or seek to harm them. While being called a “freak” and shoved on the sidewalk is nowhere as grave as a rape or a hate-crime, it’s still a petal from the same hateful flower. This flower is not a rose that blossoms but a weed that chokes us as a people. A wall of thorns that bars us from those that differ and pens us in with our own kind.

I don’t want to be with just “my kind”. I love my fellow black-clad weirdos but I want more than just my ilk. I want hippies with flowing skirts and daisies. I want aspiring rappers who can make a song out of nothing. I want conservatives with views that couldn’t be farther from my own. I want the world!

But going out in this world has gone from chore to annoyance to outright fright. I can’t go to even the grocery store without comments. Even the nicest comments are often invasive. No one can compliment my tattoos without grabbing my arm. Few people can comment on my hair without at least tugging a curl. Some fist their hands in it like we were lovers lost in passion, all while my own hands hurry to pay for my orange juice and celery sticks so I can run back home and lock my doors. When everything is barred, I turn to the internet to save me from physical interactions. At least here, I can turn it off.

And more and more, I maroon myself on an island.

More and more, going out is difficult. More and more, I avoid it. More and more, I let these people with their goddamn invasive comments push me out of our shared spaces. More and more, “I’d rather not.”

I’d rather not go out. I’d rather not go to a show, see a movie, get some coffee, have a drink, go on a date, see a friend. More and more, I’d rather work from home, order in, shop online, stay in bed.

Every day, I make a choice. Do I choose myself or choose others? Do I choose being unseen and unharmed in public or being able to like what I see when I look in the mirror? Do I choose to hate facing other people or hate facing myself?

Every day, I choose myself. I choose to like who I am and how I look and not let anyone bully me into changing. Every day, I choose not to let anyone force me to hide or cower.

Except I have been cowering. Big sunglasses, pulled up hoods, staying home. Because no one seems to understand I don’t look like this for them. That being “different” is not an invitation to invasion. And that, though I think I am a strong person, some days I don’t want to have to pull myself up by the bootstraps and reaffirm my identity just so I can go buy a fucking pack of gum at the corner store. I don’t want to have to duck down in my ostentatious car that I covered in stickers because I liked how it looked and didn’t realize that everyone else was going to gawk.

More and more and more and more, I am giving up myself. More and more and more and more, I am leaving behind things that I love. I float through my house like a ghost, running my fingers over the supple leathers and soft satins I’ve given up on wearing. This slow capitulation is awful. It eats away at me. But some days, I don’t have it in me to go outside and face grabbing hands and nasty mouths.

I wish I was invisible.

I wish everyone else was invisible.

I wish people would stop looking at me. It doesn’t make me feel special. It doesn’t make me feel happy. It makes me feel like a small caged animal that just wants to hide.

I want to be left alone. But the only way to do that is to leave myself. To leave the lively hair and painted skin and myriad of fashions that are part of who I am. To give in to the crowd. To let them in. To hide in plain sight.

I wish I was invisible. Or that you were blind. Because wishing that people would treat me with the same respect with which I treat them hasn’t gotten me anywhere. So that’s what I wish – with all of my heart.

I wish that you would pour acid in your eyes, slice them with razors, rip them from your face and turn them inside your skull. All so you would never, ever, ever, ever turn them to me again.

Stop fucking looking at me.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

2011 is drawing to a close and what a year it’s been! This year, I helped Machinima launch several hit shows, livestream All The Things, and reach 1.1 Billion monthly views. (Plus, I was a pretty awesome vampire.) And now… I’m saying goodbye.

As some of you know, I’ll be moving on from Machinima to a company called the theAudience. It’s been no secret that my passion is music and it’s intersection with social media. theAudience will allow me to marry those passions and work with some incredible artists and people! It will also test Spellcheck’s ability to start sentences without a capital letter without totally freaking out.

Speaking of people, I want to take the time to really highlight the amazing people at Machinima. I don’t think the fans realize just how many truly talented, creative, passionate, driven, and phenomenal people work there. I literally walk around my office telling people how wonderful they are – and I mean it every time. The staff at Machinima is made up of some of the kindest, most gifted people I have ever had the pleasure of working with. As incredible as you think these people are, you are wrong because they are better than even your wildest dreams.

I want to give a shoutout to my amazing team. I’ve had the difficult task of building our Online Marketing department from the ground up and my team made it easy as pie. I’m lucky to have a group of talented individuals to support and grow our department, lending their unparalleled skills to our communal vision. As sad as I am to leave them, I know that they are going to rise to the occasion and exceed even my wildest expectations of them! The department has been left in the best hands possible to take it to the next level.

The amount of epic win in Machinima’s staff made it a difficult decision to leave. As you can see from my hastily constructed banners, these folks are a big part of my life. They aren’t just coworkers – they are friends. They are people that I hope I will know for the rest of my life.

With a staff like that, Machinima will continue to be a wild (and well-deserved) success. Every person there loves the company, and the gaming industry, and (most of all) the fans. I cannot tell you how much agonizing goes into trying to do what we believe is right for our fans every day. Machinima is a company that believes in it’s fanbase. I don’t think I’ve ever seen another company that cares more about it’s fans. It’s hard to find the balance between being a “company” and being a “community” but I think Machinima does an amazing job of that. The amount of love that the staff feels for what we do and the people who watch us do it is simply staggering.

I’ll be staying on with Machinima through the end of the year (because Santa would put coal in my stocking if I left my team to work over the holidays). But even after I leave, I hope to always be a part of the Machinima family.

As I said, leaving Machinima was a hard decision to make. But it’s also the right one for me, personally. One of the amazing things that Machinima is doing is (to use some totally new-age corporate speak) disrupting the TV model. Machinima and other online video makers are literally changing the way that we, as a culture, experience and consume video. It’s like what cable did to broadcast TV.

I want to disrupt music. I want to change the way artists, labels, management companies… the entire music industry interfaces with their fans and consumers. Music has had a hell of a time adapting to a post-Napster world. Even with Napster officially dead, the music industry is still struggling to adapt to the digital world. Things like iTunes and Spotify have made revolutionary changes but I think there is more work to be done. And I want to be a part of that. With theAudience, I believe I can be. I truly believe in the power of social media to radically change business and culture. It already has. And it will only continue.

I love music. I truly, truly love music. And I love social media. Billboard charts and EdgeRank are things that keep me up at night. Music is what I know. It’s what I went to school for. It’s what I’ve worked on and in since I was 15 years old. I’ve made some big career jumps before; from pro-audio to touring, touring to gaming. Working at Machinima has given me an amazing new skillset and some new eyes to apply to what I love most. I’m stoked to apply both skill and passion to my new position at theAudience. I’m hoping that I’m going to find a bunch of coworkers who are just as driven, talented, and phenomenal as my soon-to-be-former coworkers at Machinima. Knowing a few people over there already, I’m certain this will be the case. And since our offices are so close, hopefully I can just introduce everyone and we can have some of the best post-work dinner hangs ever known to mankind!

So thank you Machinima – from company to coworkers, fans to friends. It’s been an amazing two years. I grew from answering YouTube mail and QAing applications that didn’t exist to heading a department and contributing to top level strategy. It’s been great watching the company grow and exceed almost everyone’s expectations. It’s been so fun being able to talk to the fans every day and help to make sure their voice is a part of everything we do. I’m excited to see what you are all going to do next. Thank you for all the opportunities, the awesome times, and the ability to be a vampire on a bi-monthly basis!

To theAudience, I’m excited for this! 2012 might be the end of the world so, before the apocalypse, let’s bring the noise and change the world! I have a mark a mission a brand a scar to bring music back to the fans and fans back to the music. Together, I really believe that we can change the landscape of music and it’s digital space. Rev up the engines, I’m ready to rock and roll!

We could change things back. If we dreamed. We are dreams of the carrion kind, they say, and perhaps it is so. But if enough of us dream… if a bare thousand of us dream… we can change the world. We can dream it anew. - Neil Gaiman, ‘Dream of a Thousand Cats’   

On Being a Vampire (sort of) or Why Fake Fangs Made Me Who I Am

I suppose I probably owe Shane another blog post he can email around the CCP/White Wolf offices and embarrass me with…

First things first: if you’ve never heard of Vampire: the Masquerade or World of Darkness, do yourself a favor and stop reading my drivel right now. Go here and buy the V:tM corebook. It’s a PDF and it will download immediately. Even if you never intend to play it, buy it and read it. Its immaculately put together, its exceedingly well written, its filled with amazing art, and it will change your life. How do I know? Because it changed mine.

That sounds superlative but it is very true. For every person who has ever looked up to me and thought ‘I wonder where she learned it all?’, there is an answer; my parents and White Wolf games. And since you can’t digitally download my parents, you’re going to have to go with the games. These books were so foundational for me that I have almost forgotten the impact that they made on me. I am proudly a V:tM lifer. I picked up the first book in my local hobby store just based on the cover and the art work. I brought it home and read it cover to cover. I didn’t actually start playing it until second edition rolled around and from there…. forget it, I was hooked. I used to carry the core book in my backpack at all times. I read it so much, I went through 2 copies by the end of high school.

Vampire (and all the other World of Darkness books) are immaculately written and constructed. They don’t pull pull punches. They use big words without apologies, reference historical record without pausing to explain, and include quotes from music and literature from across the world. I used to use my 2nd edition corebook as a guide to pick out tapes (yes, it was that long ago) when I would go to my local Strawberries (it was a record store, for those of you who never had one. And no, it didn’t smell like strawberries). For a kid like me who was aggressively smart, relentlessly curious, and fucking dark in my outlook, it was the magic combination. It’s set in our own world and didn’t seem like such a stretch to dream about 13 clans of vampires prowling in the dark, relentlessly manipulating human culture to suit their own insidious plots.

The best example, for me, is the story of Clan Brujah. When I first read the books, they were characterized as the hot-headed rebels (with or without a cause). Being a tweenager just discovering angst, this was just my speed and I really took to the clan. When I read the clanbook and discovered the Brujah started out as warrior-poets, intellectuals who rebelled against stasis and injustice… well, that was up my alley too as an intellectual rebel myself. When I read that their Clan founder founded Carthage… well, the real history is that Queen Elissa founded Carthage. She is my namesake and my great-great-great-great some-odd grand aunt. I have artifacts from the excavation of the Carthaginian Bay sitting on my mantle. I am – in real life – a descendant of Carthage and very proud of that. It seemed like the stars had aligned and I had found something… perfectly fitted to me. I even got the clan symbol tattoed on me.

There is something so compelling about Vampire: the Masquerade. The more of the books you read, the more you discover this overarching metaplot that spans mortal history. Its deep, detailed, and subtle. It prompted me to go read about the real history that the books were warping. White Wolf books inspired me to study the Borgias, the Avignon Papacy, and shadow propagation speed. They contributed more to my desire to learn than all 16 years of my “best education money can buy” schooling. I didn’t give a rat’s ass about the Louisiana Purchase until I read about Napoleon being a Sabbat pawn! Then I wanted to know everything about that whole period of history.

I wasn’t crazy. I knew that the World of Darkness history was an alternative history. I didn’t think vampires or Mages were really behind the events of the War of the Roses, or whatever. (Although that would be totally awesome!) But because the books referenced these historical events so casually, without pausing to explain the history they were basing their events on, it made me want to learn the real history so I could understand the ramifications of the plotlines. My obsession with Vampire and the other franchises quite literally made me a smarter, more well educated person.

But it wasn’t just that. It also made me a better person, a stronger person. Sure, you can make a correlation about playing a game where you are trying to outwit other players translating into why I’m so cunning. You can make a correlation between playing a self-reliant, strong vampire in my foundational years translating into me growing up to be a strong, self-reliant woman. And all these things are true. But how did a game about a blood-thirsty, ruthless, stab-you-in-the-back-with-a-stake-and-drink-your-blood bunch of vampires help make me into a kinder, more generous person?

Because it did.

And I didn’t realize this until going to the Grand Masquerade but it did that to the entire community who played these games. I’ve been to what can only be described as a “metric fuckton” of conventions. DragonCon, GenCon, E3, PAX, SDCC… you name it, I’ve been there. Nerds, Geeks, and Dorks are pretty universally nice people so understand how much nicer the World of Darkness community has to be to merit this being so notable. The people that we met at the Grand Masquerade were several orders of magnitude nicer than the people I’ve met at other conventions. And not just a few people – not just the White Wolf and CCP staff. Every. Single. Person. There was not a soul that I met at the Grand Masquerade who was anything less than welcoming and kind in the way that made me think of Mrs Weasley from Harry Potter. Sure, I was there as media and people wanted to impress, right? Wrong. They were all this nice to each other. I think the bulk of the convention took place in the lobby, where people stood around and shot the shit with each other all day and all night.

Most people had no idea who I was and would just strike up conversations with me, excited to talk about shared interests. When they found out Joel and Ian had been playing for 2 days, they didn’t shun them. Instead, they all fell over themselves telling them cool things to check out, giving them information they could use, asking them if they needed any help, wanting to make sure they were having a good time. I met so many people, I quickly lost track of all of the names. But, without fail, they would always stop when they saw me to ask how I was, how my latest game was, to tell me tales. And, upon leaving our conversation, they would stop five people behind me to greet some new friend with the same unfailing joy. People that I met in the elevator for 5 minutes became as life long friends, stopping by games just to get a quick hug. All around me, people dressed in incredible costumes were sitting down to chat as if they really were cohorts for the past three centuries. Even the man who sat next to me on the plane ride to and from LA, who happened to be going to the Masquerade, was unfailingly polite, soft-spoken, and a proper gentleman.

I have to note how completely weird it is for me to strike up conversations with people I don’t know. As much as I am Miss Social, I don’t usually just start talking to people I don’t know. It makes me very uncomfortable. I’m outgoing yet shy. When I do talk to people, the conversations are superficial; the weather, my shoes, the Red Sox. Falling so naturally into meaningful conversations with every person I met never happens to me. Never. Not at goth clubs, not at rock shows, not at poetry slams, not at fucking knitting circles. Even sitting in my own living room, it takes a while for me to warm to a person enough to just… talk.

Maybe it was the New Orleans heat but I warmed up fast. Usually, when I’m out and about with a lot of people, I will say something polite about a stranger’s outfit just to get into and out of the expected conversation quickly and painlessly. It’s a good social gambit; it eases an introduction and the conversation is usually short, light, and complimentary. It’s almost a habit. Say something nice, chat for three minutes, and leave. Everyone feels good, hurrah. But, at the Masquerade, my polite overtures all instantly turned into long, deep conversations. I don’t think I managed a conversation under 20 minutes with any person there. A simple “hi, how are you doing?” to a group of slightly-intoxicated LARPers ended up with me sharing a chair with one of them, laughing loudly as they tried to teach us how to LARP (and debated with Joel about 4th edition D&D) For the rest of the con, every time we saw them, they would always wave hello or come running over for a hug and a chat.

And I have to say, too, how much I hate being hit on. I hate it. I hate it! Some dude going up to me and telling me how “hot” and “fuckable” I look. Yeah, no. Please die. I’ve gotten prickly to the point where I can barely take a compliment on my appearance from anyone without getting offended. Luckily, I live in Los Angeles, where such things don’t happen to girls that aren’t 5’9″ and 100 lbs.

Yet again, the folks at the Grand Masquerade showed chivalry and civility. They didn’t “hit on” me. They paid me gracious compliments, stopping to comment about my poise and elegance instead of noting ‘you got some tasty tits’ like your average bar brute. They showered me with compliments in a way I’m not used to… and they were so humble and sweet about it that I fairly glowed. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been told by strangers that I look “stunning” and not gotten pissed off about it. Instead, it made me happy, made me feel good about myself, made me calm and comfortable instead of instantly threatened. I don’t think anyone realizes what an accomplishment that is. For me to be genuinely flattered and pleased by a compliment from a near-stranger is nigh-unto unheard of! Yet it happened, night after night. It even got me to act (sort of) like a lady; letting people take me by the hand, open doors for me, push my chair in. It made me realize how much of my energy can be “keep away” and when I was comfortable and reigned that in, people were right there to be as gracious and kind to me as I could hope for. I let my guard down and, for the first time, I was rewarded with the best in people instead of the worst.

The unfailing kindness of the community was certainly reflected in the CCP/White Wolf staff and their volunteers working the event. The security staff was unfailingly polite and made sure everyone was safe without feeling at all imposing – in fact, they were like big teddybears filled with positive energy. No one would even want to cause trouble with them around! The exuded such calm and serenity that it was almost like meditating. The storytellers bent over backwards to accommodate us, to make sure that Joel and Ian understood what was going on and were having a good time… all without calling attention to it or sacrificing the fun for the other players. I want to say a special thank you to Dave M and Jason C, who went out of their way to make sure we could play in whatever games our (er…. mostly my) little hearts desired. Every storyteller we had was amazing, the games incredible, the players sublime. My first experience LARPing I had expected to be terrifying and overwhleming – and it was. But as soon as I crossed my fingers and said “Out of Character, I have never LARPed before and I’m a little lost,” everyone stopped to help me out. No judgements, no looking-down-the-nose… just happy to share what they loved with someone new.

I need to back up for a second and talk about Shane and the CCP/WhiteWolf staff. I met Shane a few months ago, when we interviewed him for MachinimaRealm. (Well… Joel interviewed him. I just sat there because I am afraid of the cameras.) Afterwards, we had lunch and talked about Vampire. It helped me remember how much it had meant to me. Not playing since college, not being around people who played, had made me forget what an impact it had on me. Shane helped wake that up, get me excited, helped me recover a part of me I’d lost. He’s like a Vampire Santa, showing up with jackets and ball tickets and (best of all!) great conversation. He and his girlfriend Elizabeth are charming, intelligent, and considerate – the type of people that you look at and think “wow, I’m lucky to know people like this.” They are people who just ‘get’ you.

I say all of this to put my next statement in context.

The CCP/White Wolf staff as so nice they could almost make Shane look mean. Okay, not really but you get my point. I thought Shane (and also Elizabeth) were anomalies – those rare people you run into in life who are smart, kind, and all of these words that I’m going to have to start going to a thesaurus in a minute to not overuse. But they are representative of the entire White Wolf staff. They are all those rare people who are that nice and that smart and that kind. It’s unreal!

I really have to thank each and every one of the CCP/White Wolf staff too. Shane, Greg, Mike R, Stacey, Eddy, Russell, Mike T, the other Mike T, Rich… I know I’m going to forget someone if I keep listing names so I’ll just say the whole staff. They went above and beyond to make sure that not only we but every person at the Masquerade was having the time of their (un)lives. They spoke so highly of their community and they really worked to provide a great experience for that community. I have never met a staff that was that enthused and in love with their community. It was, literally, all they could talk about – and they glowed like newlyweds when they did! They took such fierce pride in what the community was doing, in what it stands for, in what it means to each other. Honestly, you are all some of the most incredible, charitable, giving, and honest people I’ve ever met… even the Lasombras.

And it was an experience. Every place we went was like stepping into the World of Darkness. The set dressings, the costumes, the city – it felt like I really was in the books I’d read for so long. If you wanted total suspension of disbelief, it was there for you. Or, if you needed a break, you could just… breathe and not be in it. You were never forced to be in the moment. Even in the deepest LARPs, no one pushed you to go past your comfort zone. Some people might think that “oh these crazy people think they are vampires all the time.” Nope. Not at all. Everyone was very aware that this was a game and just wanted to have a good time.

I don’t really know where I am going with this. I don’t think it’s possible to get across in words how much this game meant to me or how much discovering how incredible the community is means to me. It’s woken up the part of me that connected with these games; the smart, curious, considerate, and generous part of me. The best part of me. I’m excited to get more involved in this community; to try LARPing, to play in the office and introduce my coworkers to the World of Darkness, to play in Better Off Dying. The people that I played World of Darkness games with growing up are some of the best people I’ve met. If the Grand Masquerade is indicative of the overall community, the people that I will play with in the future will become some of the best people I will ever meet.

So thank you; to the staff, the storytellers, the fans, and the friends. I can feel this indescribable something traveling through me once again. Maybe its passion or excitement or curiosity. Maybe it’s coming out of Torpor. I don’t know what it is but thank you for it. I’m excited to be coming back to all of you, to get to know all of you, to share blood not in a literal sense but in a metaphorical sense as we become family. To people who have never played, I’ll say it again. Pick it up. There is no game, no book, no experience like it.

Oh, and one last thing. Play a Brujah. Seriously. We’re the best clan.

Look Mom! I’m a red head!