“We’re gonna play tic-tac-telepathy.”
“Guess what. You lose a lot.”
“We’re gonna have a party at the morgue tomorrow.”
Oh man… this is going to be another episode where I argue with the television again….
‘Cough Syrup Suicide’ would be an amazing name for a metal band
As loud as you can go, here we go.
“Hey. They are alive when I start!”
“Clan Giovanni everyone.”
Dear My Friends With Children, Please give your child every full moon off and see how long it takes the school to notice.
JUST REALIZED that one day we’ll be able to pay to look skinnier through the eyes of someone else’s google glasses
Dear Dude Screaming Outside My Window,
Don’t make me go down there and give you something to really scream about.
“Are you gonna whack a bunch of nuns? Please don’t whack a bunch of nuns.”
“I mean… not that you’ll be aware of.”
“I need a Kickstarter campaign for a secure haven.”
“You come back with tongs? Is that so you don’t have to touch it?”
“Yeah. How else do you pick up somebody’s finger?”
“Good. Court is tomorrow. I have time to have things laundered. Like the Brujah.”
Today I learned I’m Edgar Allen Poe.
My sauteed quinoa had didn’t have enough organic broccoli in it.
“Fuck, I have to clean my house before the vampires come over.”
“Given how early we come in and how late we go home, it’s like we’re on tour.”
“We’re on tour but we just don’t go anywhere.”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead. Which, apparently, may be in a couple days.” – William
“I don’t always touch freaky statues from Carthage…”
“But when you do, you’re useless?”
“The Second Tradition: don’t touch freaky statues from Carthage.”
“This is obviously your idea and you are not being manipulated.”
“Yeah. I always need to roll when it’s my idea.”
“I get my gun.”
“I get my sneakers on and get ready to run away.”
“Never bring a gun to a sneaker fight.”
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one’s eating fish ever again.
Do I still have to go to medical school if I just wanna be the guy who yells “WE’RE LOSING HIM!”?
Some people fight racism. Some people fight sexism. I fight Vampire Hitler. HE’S NOT BOTHERING YOU BECAUSE I’M TAKING CARE OF IT.
Home is where your wifi connects automatically.
“If no one comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision can it possibly be?”
I SAW YOU AUTOMATICALLY AMERICANISE THAT SPELLING, WORD. *Changes the z back to an s while humming Elgar & drinking fucking tea*
Do pessimists see half-naked people as half-clothed?
“They never really explain what Silent Hill is, do they?”
“No. I think it’s a hill. I’ve heard it’s quiet there.”
“…….I swear to god…”
I have the Worst Headache. The Legends will speak of this Headache and all who hear of it will tremble.
“M’lord. A raven has arrived from Glendale!”
You guys, cars weren’t even INVENTED when Jesus was born. I think letting him take the wheel might be a mistake…
Forgot to take the straps off my bondage pants. They are making one hell of a racket in the dryer
WOW TIL that Morrisey had become the leader of Egypt just to find out that HES BEEN OVER THROWN? Should make for some great depressing music
“Does this shit even have a fucking genre?”
“Kinda? It’s like electro post-hardcore with a technical metal influence.”
For a militant atheist, I have a weird obsession with Christian metalcore bands…
“Don’t think that your shirt and your shoes have gone unnoticed.” – Rami, about my ability to match my blingy spikes from head to toe
Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I’m a jerk.
Excercise tip: burn calories at work by flailing your arms wildly and throwing office supplies across the room in a fit of rage.
I feel like I should say I’m “always in tha mothafukin grind” but I’m just not street enough to get away with it.
“It’s all mildewed in here.”
“It’s not weird. It’s only sorta weird.”
In back-to-back decisions,
#SCOTUS has decided that gays are entitled to the same rights as bigots.
As we celebrate today, let’s spare a warm thought for our opponents, who have lost absolutely nothing.
Standing behind a conspiracy theorist in a rent-a-car line. $20 says I discover the link between honey bees and Obama.
As a Californian, I’d like to make a deal with the Red States: You give us your gays, and we’ll give you everyone who voted for Prop 8.
I’m so sick of the government reading but never liking my statuses
Sunday nights are for suicide pacts
Car is coming in 30 minutes to pick me up. I still haven’t started packing. Welcome to my life.
Just because you’ve seen everything, doesn’t mean you understand it. shut. up.
Always Snopes before you post. A public service announcement from Your Friends Who Are Laughing At You
Considering that Iron Man and Batman’s only real superpower is being super rich and smart, Bill Gates turned out to be a real disappointment
“I need an app to remind me to call my dad and wish him happy Father’s Day.”
“You have one. It’s called your mother.”
Unironically listening to Einstürzende Neubauten to make up my Goth Point deficit from my June Gloom rant this morning.
“So. When did you graduate from Killjoke University?”
“2004. I was Valedictorian.”
“I get ignored so much, bitches call me Terms & Conditions!”
“At least you get accepted no matter what…”
I feel like the world would be vastly improved if everyone listened to more Power Metal…
Headed to E3 now. I imagine the giant Microsoft / Sony Thunderdome is fully constructed by now.
Good luck to all my friends heading down to
#E3. Begun, this console war has.
the fuck are you using yfrog for? lemme just click 3 times to see the picture in the smallest resolution imaginable.
“Yay Brujah Antitribu pin!” – me
“Srsly. I’ve been wanting the Brujah Antiserphin… I dunno, vampires.” –
A woman is only helpless when her nail polish is drying.
Call of Duty: Ghost! Now with Dog! Featuring Fish!
My entire neighborhood is shut down for
#Pride. I can’t leave my house. Please send food, water, and Queer as Folk DVD Box sets.
“You need a self-defense boyfriend.”
How can I live 5 minutes from a venue but it takes 45 to get there? Sunset bullshitty Blvd. That’s how.
Well… looks like this Metalcore phase I’m in is just truckin right along…
“Our penthouse windows need to be tinted.”
My office went from being 61 degrees to 97 degrees. Paging Goldilocks – how do we get this shit just right?
There is a David Geffen school of Medicine? Do I get a platinum plaque if I pass my physical? Is the only prescription more cowbell?
I couldn’t decide whether to watch The Dark Knight or Star Wars: A New Hope… So I’m watching TDK with the Ep IV audio. Cuz logic!
“Inside, you’re made of marshmallow fluff and sunshine and rainbows.”
“Yes, but it’s rainbow marshmallow hatred. So it’s ok.”
Spoiler Alert: Snape kills Ned Stark.
“As he was devouring the pancake like it was one of his own young, I remarked ‘if ass was nickles, he’d be a millionaire.’”
“You can hire pigeons with Animalism!”
“Hire pigeons? Do you interview them? ‘Where do you see yourself in 5 years?’ ‘Shitting on things.’”
“Vermont isn’t Fiji!”
“Well. It’s far.”
I need a new assistant, my old one doesn’t exist.
They should rename Hemlock Grove to “Mumbling About Werewolves”. I can’t understand 2/3rd of what these actors are saying.
Real goths don’t wear black. Real goths sack Rome.
Watched Die Hard then Mean Girls and now Alien. Basically, what I’m saying is I’m your dream girl.
When I’m dead and I’m a ghost, I’ll be too scared to haunt places at night because… what if there’s ghosts????
Lasagna is just spaghetti-flavored cake.
Our office floors are getting stained. I think I’m getting high off the fumes. Wow, what a nice elephant! Lavender banana root? sa35s*(r3s!
No need to tailgate me. I’m not even going slow. I’m going 35 miles over the speed limit! And those lights on top of your car look stupid
Yahoo trying to buy Tumblr is like when you’re a teen girl and your mom tries to borrow your clothes.
“I hereby knight you ‘honorary lawyer’” <— high praise from our legal team today. Does this count as my Juris Doctorate or…….?
“What do you call this move in cheerleading?” “………..do I look like I was a fucking cheerleader???”
“And then we just press the viral button.”
Holy BALLS, I am tired. Going straight from “asleep and dreaming” into “on a conference call, brainstorming” is sort of jarring.
“He’s just… Dani Filthy”
“You say these things like I know what you mean! I’m not goth!”
“Actually, that’s black metal.”
Does Medusa have pubes? And, if so, are they snakes too?
Every book you’ve ever read is just a different combination of 26 letters.
Ug, why are redheaded metal dudes so hot? And why do they all live in bullshitty cold countries where I can’t date them?
Having a good lawyer is like having a freaking Wizard/Fairy Godmother hybrid.
“Have you ever wanted to stab somebody?”
“Have you ever NOT wanted to stab somebody?”
“Honestly, no. I like stabbing.”
I’m looking for the Meanest Penis.
“I think we’re gonna put the machine guns right here.”
“Shouldn’t you be GLAD it’s raining, Goth Kid?”
“Hell no! You can’t sit in cemeteries in the rain. You’ll get mud on your lace.”
Today is VIP Day at the office. I forgot my eyeliner but remembered my leather. It’s the little things…
Spending my weekend doing Vampire Math. This shit is too Ventrue for me.
“What part of town do you live in?”
“I call it ‘Koreacock’. It’s Hancock Park & Koreatown. I tried to get Mapquest to accept it…”
If you look in a mirror & say Amanda Bynes’ name three times, you get high as balls & take a topless selfie while your life rapidly unravels
Quoth the server, “404″.
“We can’t do dark Page posts but we CAN do Darkwave Page Posts. You know, just a photo of Switchblade Symphony.”
“I thought I had Tuberculous. I misdiagnosed myself. Shocking, I know.”
“Hey girl. Did it hurt when you feel from Heaven for rebelling against God?”
I saw that Pacific Rim was trending & thought it might be about economic developments in Asia. I should know to expect WAY LESS from Twitter
Pacific Rim = what would happen in Avatar fucked Cloverfield and the baby was raised by Transformers.
Now taking volunteers to be my live-in servant. Your main job will be to hold my iPad while I take my bubble baths so I can read in the tub.
Making the BFF take care of me. This involves taking my computer away so I can relax. Currently, he is failing miserably at this task.
“What if I said ‘please’? I mean, I’m not gonna but I want to know anyway.”
“That’s the one we are running with. That and scissors.”
“Don’t ignore me.”
“I’m not ignoring you. I’m not doing what you say. There is a difference.”
Accepted pronouns for me are “my liege” and “your majesty”
“I don’t give a shit. I use smiley faces. I’m from the streets.” –
is… is amazon… down? i don’t know where else to buy a giant novelty shoehorn at this hour
“His email address is @SwordOfCaine.Org” “WHAT?!?!?” “It’s the SABBAT – they give no fucks.”
Had fun proving Brujah cannot make phone calls under duress without saying ‘fuck’ at least 50 times
“I have a dot in Contacts.”
“You do, however, have 3 dots in Contact High.”
“I keep forgetting the Setite’s name.”
“Cool. I’ve read his poems.”
At 30,000 feet in a vintage Vampire: the Masquerade shirt having a sing-a-long to Hannah Montana with the rest of the first class cabin.
Took today off. Have already answered 50+ emails. Now working from plane. This is business in 2013. Work is 24/7. You must love what you do
“I just don’t understand why you even thought dating him was a good idea. You can’t date vegans and still maintain a viable social life.”
If these fucking hipsters use the word ‘ironic’ one more time, I am going to gag them with their own skinny scarves.
Sitting across from two hipsters discussing how their friend started an organic rooftop farm “ironically”. I’m not even in Portland yet…
How To Make a Playlist for a Party 101: Put a bunch of songs about fucking at about the 2 1/2 hour mark
“I think my New Year’s Resolution not to punch anyone in the face is going extremely well, all things considered…”
I’ve spent a lot of this week planning tour marketing that extends into 2014. Does this count as me being able to see the future?
Sunglasses at night. Umbrella in the sun.
My office is seriously so fucking cold that I am wearing the jacket I bought in London and my winter gloves while I type this.
It’s not Gothy…it’s terrible
Emoticons were first employed by Spawns of Satan in order to induce insanity in their victims =:-)
“Is it hot in here or am I just Satan?”
Dude, just found out there’s a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Also, I love that Twitter killed Cher today because no one under the age of 40 knew who Margret Thatcher was.
“How goth are you exactly?”
“I’ve been known to shit a bat or two”
Hating picking up people from the airport is the new hating picking up people from the airport
Every time I hear that Zillow commercial with the Bright Eyes song in it, I hate humanity just a little more.
Stopped at McDonalds in Beverly Hills. In between a Maserati and a Lambo. I don’t even….
“I want my eyelashes to be as black as my soul and as long as the list of people I hate.”
BAR BRAWL! (╯°□°）╯ ┻━┻
“I can’t wear a bandana. I look like the pirate that does all of the other pirates taxes. ‘You can write off that bounty.’”
Only in LA am I randomly on a shuttle with my best friends to a midday clam bake off thing.
You could die of a brain aneurism at literally any time, with no warning. Happy Friday!
There are ravens getting into a fucking fistfight (but with wings, cuz birds) outside my office window. It’s like Game of Thrones up in hurr
“I usually solve problems by letting them devour me.”
“Let’s go be sad and alone – together.”
when someone says “no biggie” it’s polite to say “no tupac either”. thanks, you’re welcome.
Fact: “hipster cred” is an accepted currency in most major West Coast cities.
“We gotta make it to Dallas before all the gangs wake up.”
I’ve frequently been described as ‘quirky’ by people who are too polite to describe me as ‘batshit insane’
I hate having to say “no, it’s not an April Fool’s prank” before ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING today.
Who was the first Shaolin monk who was like “I think Buddha wants me to kick a little ass today?”
I just had the awful realization all of my Star Trek DVDs are in Massachusetts. KHAN!!!!!!!!!!!
How do all of these fucking serial killers in movies know how to build all these fucking torture houses? I can’t even fix a leaky faucet.
I’m moving through this day like a severed head that finishes sentences.
Comme des Fuckdown
Once Upon A Time, there used to be normal people but then the Internet was invented.
“I’m actually home early from work.”
“bullshit?!? who let you out of the office?!?”
“Jesus. I mean, literally, cuz Easter.”
Just made a bunch of little guns out of candy for TOTALLY WORK-RELATED reasons
Balancing between social networking sites should be an Olympic sport.
Looks like another Wolverine movie where the main villain is shoddy plotting.
Mandatory bad Pitchfork “review” alert! Comforting to know some things are a constant and entirely predictable in these confusing times.