“Ok, i think my mom has officially lost it. she is having a cctv system installed so that she can determine which birds are eating her flowers…”
“You need a sitcom.”
“If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die.”
“Note to self: file writers under ‘possible vampires’.”
Mandatory bad Pitchfork “review” alert! Comforting to know some things are a constant and entirely predictable in these confusing times.
“How bad is it, on a scale of ‘one’ to ‘completely’?”
Rihanna’s tour bus was pulled over and they found weed. In other news, Clive Davis is gay, and the sun will continue to rise and set.
Poll: 56% say the federal govt. should recognize same-sex marriages. The other 44% say Larry the Cable Guy is a comedic genius.
You only live once, so don’t forget to spend 15 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.
They should rename
#TheWalkingDead to “Characters You Hate Walking Back and Forth from Woodbury to this Fucking Prison Every Episode”
“You know what else isn’t Punk Rock?”
“Listening to Punk Rock?”
“……..actually yeah. PUNK ROCK IS NOT PUNK ROCK.”
“Country is Punk Rock.”
“It’s not Punk Rock if you tie your shoes!”
“It’s also not Punk Rock if you trip on your untied laces and fall down the fucking stairs!”
I feel like I don’t karate kick on enough lightswitches in my general day-to-day life.
Spring Breakers is like one very, very, very long Vine video.
Not sure I should see Spring Breakers until I recover from my PTSD from Kids, which will be never.
They say prostitution is the worlds oldest profession, which is probably untrue.How did the 1st guy pay for a hooker if he didnt have a job?
Why would anyone want to travel back in time? There is no Internet there.
I’m like my laptop: give me 3 minutes with nothing to do and I’ll go to sleep
“Did you know this was gonna happen????”
“Yes. I used my crystal ball that shows me COMPLETELY OBVIOUS SHIT YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN COMING.”
“So WHAT? I’m spooning a Barrett .50 cal. I could kill a building!”
Ever notice that cats always want to be petted when you’re wearing bla….oh, wait. That’s always.
“Help! Help! I’m turning into a Joy Division lyric!!!”
I need google glass so I can identify people I know but can’t remember the names of or where we met.
I’ll just be over here calmly sticking this knife into the wall a couple dozen times. Nothing to see here. Move along.
#ObamaIsNotSatan, Satan has leadership experience.
At this point, I just assume that Lindsay Lohan has some sort of theme park-style “Front of the Line” pass, but for court.
It’s 9am. There is some lunatic with a megaphone outside screaming about Jesus Christ coming to kill fags. Thanks for the welcome home, LA
I’m ROLLING IN PUSSY RIGHT NOW! Which means I’m getting purred at by one small cat and nothing else. Why, what did you think I meant?
Sometimes I randomly unfollow people on Twitter just to see how pissed off they get.
The Vatican confirms that the new pope will be backwards compatible with previous Church doctrine
I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT MY HUMMUS FROM TESCO! To put this in context: it’s like someone being excited about a 7/11 hot dog. Fuck it, it’s yum!
Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Pope
The train I was on terminated at Cockfosters. It was announced every stop by some proper-sounding British woman. My sides hurt from laughing
Dear England, I need you to have less hilarious place names.
So…. does a Transformer get Car Insurance or Life Insurance?
I love pretending like I’m a total uncultured American git. “How can you have a queen if you’re a socialist country?”
WHY IS IT SO GODDAMN COLD IN THIS COUNTRY?!?!?! I thought Global Warming eliminated winter in the 80s??????
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – the best thing about growing up is having a chauffeur take you to the airport
Wait, I CANT be hired as a hitman for a shadowy organization bent on making the world better 1 corpse at a time? You lied to me video games!
Tried to go pick up lunch. Somehow wandered in to the West Coast Douchebros Convention. It reeks of Axe body spray in here…
Don’t get depressed. You’re probably great at SOMETHING. But it probably isn’t music. You might be INSANELY GREAT at crying in the shower.
“I think I just put holes in the couch with the spikes on my shoes.” “That’s very metal.”
I’m going to take out all of my internal organs with an ice cream scoop, I swear to god…
“I’m a lover and a runner and a coward not a fighter.”
“I won’t put your puke video on YouPorn. That’s real friendship.” “Thanks buuuuud.”
A Tzimisce, a Lasombra, a Tremere, a Malkavian & a Brujah walk into a vampire-themed restaurant… There isnt a punchline. This is happening
Operation: Vampire Brunch was a success. Operation: Vampires Sit On The Couch And Watch Tv is a go!
Also, I’ve literally inherited Dracula for a week. Like, seriously for real. He’s upstairs sleeping. My life… it’s all vampires 24/7
“JUST GO!” Promoters and Agents this early in the morning is hilarious. Big grin right now. Excitement is infectious.
“Your gold pieces or your hit points.” – Mere
The most important part of being a leader is never forgetting that you are still part of the team.
When I say “vampire weekend”, I mean a weekend of being a vampire not a weekend of listening to annoying indie hipsters.
Real Goths don’t wear black. Real Goths sack Rome.
“What character class are you playing?”
“Yes, you are.”
“Shut up, Kittenmancer.”
“That’s Weretiger Warlock.”
“The Salesforce is strong with me.”
“Is semi-comatose an option?” – me, trying to explain to my doctor how strong my anti-anxiety pills for a 10 hour flight need to be
Brujah Dominate: “Do what I say or I’ll punch you.”
Brujah Movement of the Mind: “I will throw this shit across the room.”
Brujah Path of Flame: “I will fucking set you on fire.”
Brujah Vicissitude: “I’ll punch you so hard, I will rearrange your face.”
Brujah Animalism: “Come here, pussy.”
“I’m not a cat.”
“I meant the other kind of pussy, you idiot.”
Brujah Quietus: “I’ll cut you till ya bleed!”
Brujah Chimistry: “The Brujah hit me and now I’m seeing stars.”
Brujah Fortitude: “Quit crying that it hurt or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
Brujah Obtenebration: Poke out their eyes.
Brujah Dementation: “I’ll hit you so hard, you’re brain will break”
Brujah Vicissitude: “Just let the compound fracture I gave you heal that way and you’ll have some badass bone spikes! And stop whimpering.”
Brujah Presence: “You like me, right? Alan didn’t like me, and now he’s a pile of ash. But YOU like me, don’t you?”
Brujah Bardo: “Either the sun can burn you or me and my flamethrower can. Your choice. But you’re walking in daylight one way or the other.”
Brujah Celerity: “I’ll move way faster than you if I break both your legs.”
“But… you already have Celerity in Clan! And Presence, too!”
“I also have a low tolerance for sarcastic assholes, cripple.”
Brujah Serpentis: “Ima beat you to death with this snake”
Brujah Aspex: “Tell me what you’re thinking or I’ll hurt you.”
Brujah Obfuscate: *Cracks knuckles* “You didn’t see shit.”
Brujah Obeah: “Hand me that duct tape and quit whining. You’ll be good as new.”
Brujah Daimoninon: “We have nothing to do with the Baali, shut your fucking mouth before I shut it for you.”
“Can we postpone the punching to the latter half of the meeting?”
“Punching is new business, we’re working on old business!”
“MaxXx’s version of stealth is telling everyone that if they look at her, she’ll punch them.”
“She created me, nurtured me, then staked me and put me into torpor.”
“Well. Ladies are fickle.”
It’s Sunday! Which means somebody is going to ruin tonights episode of
@WalkingDead_AMC for me by tweeting about the entire episode.
“You’re like… An orthodontic Jewish cowboy vampire.”
“You know what I like about you?!? I’m drunk!!”
“I wish I knew how to quit you, Keynote.”
“THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!!”
Every single person I know in the city of Los Angeles is at the Marilyn Manson show. Did a wormhole to 1996 open up when I wasn’t looking?
A penis is just an extroverted vagina.
If you can’t say it to me in a Keynote or Excel spreadsheet, don’t bother saying it at all
I sincerely appreciate that I had a conference call today involving multiple executives in which “butt chugging” was discussed in detail.
“you inspire a particular variety of lust; stemming from that fragile darkness of yours.”
There is a Bright Eyes song in a Zillow commercial. I fucking hate you, Capitalism.
Got the new glasses. I feel like I am on acid. My hands are far away yet so close. My vision is sharp yet confusing. MY HANDS ARE DINOSAURS!
There is a “50 Shades of Grey” workout? I hate you more every day, humanity…
(832): Don’t blame me. I told you I didn’t know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So I guess there was some big soccer game that just happened in New Orleans or what’s the deal?
The mango is a member of the cashew family????? I’m so going down the Wikipedia rabbit hole…
It’s written “Tzimisce” but pronounced “a WHAT with three WHATS?”
I heard that these guys are gonna play football at a Beyonce concert tomorrow…
You say ‘blood drive’. I say ‘happy hour’.
“I want to do a show called P’Unked where there are no pranks and dudes just get a Mohawk and go to punk shows.”
“THIS IS MY MANIFESTO!!!”
“This is a taco recipe.”
We all have that one cup in our house that is somehow better than the other ones
Previously on ‘Screaming at Vampires’… We met a vampire so ugly that someone actually mistook him for a potato… and tried to peel him.
My parents are going to be here in a few days. Trying to motivate myself to clean. Can my Mom ground me in my own house?
I have a PhD in Misanthropology.
“MaxXx and I didn’t come here to listen to lies. We came here predetermined that he was lying.”
“We’re playing 1st, 2nd, 3rd.”
“It’s a game to see if the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd word you say will be a swear word.”
I’m not a pyromaniac but I am a pyroenthusiast.
Just found out that BOA steakhouse will deliver to me. Let no one say that I am not totally classy in my laziness.
This Twitter feed is rated TV MA LSV for violence, sexual situations and nudity. Parental discretion is advised.
‘Cool’ is the least cool word in the English language. The coolest word is ‘Exsanguination’.
New idea: stereo that can’t play songs by Fergie
It’s a rainy day in LA but I’m feeling sunny inside. Also, this is the least goth tweet I’ve made in a while.
Just a reminder – in all of my tweets. the “I’m extremely lonely” is silent.
I feel like I don’t spend near enough time dressed like I’m in The Craft…
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, but what if I’m willing to go much, much higher?
I have done more work in the first 22 days of 2013 than our Congress has done in ten years.
Some guy told me a have “a jiggabooty”. I’m trying to decide how outraged I should be about this…
“Think murderous thoughts and you can fly.”
“Think of nooses, think of screams.”
“We hired him to keep me from killing myself.”
“Well. I’m gonna need him to pack up his desk immediately then.”
“You can hire my zit. It’s available. And speaks Spanish.”
With great power comes great responsibility that you can ignore if you’re a total dick.
#WhatHurtsTheMost: The cruciatus curse.