More quotes. Because we are funny

“You’re such a freak, its beautiful.”

“The ocean. It’s so calm, hosts millions of wonderful aquatic creatures and you can drown your enemies in it.”

“It’s not ‘fucked’. It’s not ‘banged’. It’s ‘made love,’ okay? ‘You made love to that filthy slut.'”

“I’m the Empress of the Holy Roman Empire.” “I’m the intern of the Holy Roman Empire. And the stipend? Corsica.”

“I’m going to write the episode of The Brady Bunch where they have to fire Alice due to economic hardship.”

“Darth Maul has a brother named Savage Opress? Cool, looking forward to his cousins Satan Aids and Blood Deadmother.”

“Dear Rappers, Please stop putting police sirens in your songs. Sincerely, one paranoid stoner.”

“I agree with Facebook: “Derp” is the collective noun for a group of pugs.”

“Every day I have to live on this earth without a private helicopter and pilot is pure, unending agony.”

“The best movie in the world is ______________?”
“is that a clever way to show your love for the movie flatline?”

“Macs are the cats of the computer world: they’re really beautiful, they clean themselves, but they won’t play games with you.”

“Guys fall in love with what they see, and girls fall in love with what they hear. That’s why girls wear makeup, and guys tell lies.”

I Don’t Think Anything Could Possibly Go Wrong At The Disco #EarlierVersionsOfBands
My Chemical First Date #EarlierVersionsOfBands
Mildly Disturbed But Taking Medication For It Clown Posse #EarlierVersionsOfBands
#EarlierVersionsOfBands
Kool and his disenfranchised, impoverished friends.

“HELP!!! I HAVE ACCESS TO MY BANK ACCOUNT AND THE STEAM SALE AT THE SAME TIME!!!!”

“You know what is awesome?”
“What?”
“NOTHING! LIFE SUCKS!”

“I wish your inner racist shined through more on the internet.”

“I bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese…”

“In the future, all tattoos will be .gifs”

“It’s 2012, if Daniel Tosh really wanted to get controversial he should’ve said that every human being deserves health care.”

“The lightbulb in the 3rd floor bathroom was burned out. Now I know what peeing in Silent Hill must be like…”

“Oh shit, today is free Slurpee day! Time to bust out my collection of mustache disguises.”

“Love yourself. Physically, if necessary.”

“is today “everyone be a fucking snot” day? people need to cool their jets or gtfo!”

Sexual harassment training today. But I’m already GREAT at sexual harassment! #HeyBabyHeyBabyHey

“This Whole Foods is by Rage.”
“No, that’s down by my house.”
“Well, there is probably a gay club around.”
“Called ‘Hole Foods’?”

Instagrammatical error.

“Hey. Hey. Put the bra back on your head.”
“Not now. I’m lying to some girl.”

“I don’t have a drinking problem. I drink GREAT!”

“Just take the stairs, you lazy asshole.”
“God gave us elevators for a reason!”

Watching ‘Firefly’. If this show isn’t as good as all you nerds make it out to be, you’re all dead to me.

“I don’t want to watch Walking Dead right now.”
“Remember that time I gave a shit what you wanted? Cuz I sure don’t.”

I met my best friend on Grindr.

“There’s a Walking Dead marathon on today, so basically Hot Topic isn’t going to be doing much buisness this afternoon.”

“God doesn’t get comments. He set up that whole prayer thing so he doesn’t have to deal with comments.”

“I wish my skin was made of sweatshirt.”

“You’ve got a rape talisman??!?!?!?”
“Yeah but I’m gonna use it for good!”
“I sense a tweet coming…”

“I’m going to sensual persuasive the holy shit out of her.” #MageThursdays

“He is an old guy. He is probably watching medieval Matlock.” #MageThursday

“Oh, I think it will come back to haunt him…” “… in his rapey ass?” #MageThursdays

Oh hell yeah RT @shanedefreest: @TheMissE is time for 50 Shades of Mage?

“If I was such a great detective, why would I need to ask you if you were ready for the hot beef injection? Wouldn’t I have deduced that?”

236 years ago today, the Founding Fathers signed the Declaration of Independence, then grilled a bunch of meat and got shithammered.

That band in the Free Credit Score commercial is so fucking awful, I thought they were Nickleback.

I hope Jessica Biel names her first child ‘Batmo’.

“Life is too short to fight with robots.” – Jessick Addams

“I love your band.”
“Who?”
“Rami-stein.”
“I have a friend who is a tour manager.”
“For Ramstein?”
“No. Lifehouse.”
“WTF does that even have to do with… you know what, never mind.”

“Where do you get meth from?”
“A junior high school?”

“Remember, taking drugs is no way to be cool and have fun. Selling drugs is the way to be cool and have fun.”

Sorry the Anderson Cooper news was such a bombshell for you, Guy Born Without Any Of The Five Senses.

In Italian, everything sounds yummy. Like ‘cassonetto strupro’. You might think that is special pasta but it really means ‘dumpster rape’.

50 Shades of Greyhawk! She’s an apprentice wizard, he’s a retired adventurer who owns a tavern. Their encounters are anything but random!

Beans, beans, the magical fruit. The more @rickyftw eats the more points he gets on @foursquare.

I feel like @Deadmau5 mixed up math class and English class one tragic day and that’s why he thinks 5 is a letter…

“It’s the pouch of Infinity and it doesn’t even have GUM?!?!?!”

“I only trust people who like big butts because they cannot lie.”

“Instagram down, there’s now a gaping hole our collective history. Undocumented skinny lattes, mimosas, and airplane wings.”

Happy Social Media Day! Celebrate by asking your favorite social media professional “wait, what the fuck do you do for a living?”

“Instagram being down is ruining my life right now. What’s the point of eating if I can’t post narcissistic yet artsy photos???”

just watched two dragonflies do it. #freeporn

Only in America would so many overweight, diabetic people with heart disease be upset that they’re gonna have healthcare. #SCOTUS #Obamacare

Hannah Montana is trending. This is why I hate you, world.

“Someone call science and tell them to start making dragons.”

Paris Hilton: From BJing to DJing.

I wanna save a family from a burning building at least once in my life — or twice. It’d be funny if it was the same family.

“Commuting would be so much more awesome if we all rode dragons…”

“I haven’t done corn on the cob in a long time. I feel like I should do a corn on the cob.” – me, planning dinner
“Like…. sexually?” – Les

One Response to “More quotes. Because we are funny”

  1. great list of quotes, i appreciate
    Love Quotes

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