Quotable things and thingable quotes

“You have got to be absolutely shitting the fuck out of me.”

Some woman just told me she was shocked I was so polite because I “look like a freakshow.” I told her I was sorry I couldn’t say the same.

“Some chick invited Tim Tebow to her senior prom which is just plain ridiculous, everyone knows he won’t put out. What a dumbshit.”

“Seize the day and appreciate your life because you could be brutally murdered by Death Eaters at any moment.”

I seriously hate gloomy days like this. Let all that “but I thought you were a goth/vampire/mushroom” comments commence…

“Rub two kids together and they burst into fla- wait. No, that’s twigs. I have the concept down, just not the details.”

“I spent most of my like wearing black and being angsty.” “I spent most of my life wearing colors and being angsty.”

“I deeply need a cupcake”

Guy in the car next to me blasting Metallica, so I turn up my Depeche Mode. This must have happened every day in the 80’s!

“Is it weird that that I think the dude on To Catch A Predator is cute?” “So long as the ‘dude’ you are talking about is over 18, no.”

“The way Hollywood is going, in another few years there is probably going to be a “dark, gritty reboot” of Star Wars starring Christian Bale.”

“Today is one of those days where my computer is acting like it was built on an Indian burial ground or some shit”

“Do not hold a grudge. Hurl the grudge back into the face of whoever wronged you; along with your fists and nearby sharp objects.”

“This is your reminder that Dave Vanian was a gravedigger before he joined The Damned and that’s so cool that it makes me want to cry a bit”

“I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other.”

“Facebook now has 901 million users and all of them have invited me to play FarmVille.”

“Earthquakes in LA are like memes on the internet; that was so ten minutes ago.”

#LostShakespearePlays Much Ado about Nothing but a G Thang

“Facebook bought AOL. Big deal. Even my mom coulda bought AOL with the money she made from recycling those free discs they mailed every day.”

Can we please just rename Game Of Thrones to “A Practical Guide To Falling In Love With Tyrion Lannister”?

“I like your jacket.” “thanks. The Japanese made it.” “the Japanese don’t make anything in our size. Except Godzilla.”

Dear Internet, I’ll tell you when I want to open a new window.

Another fine edition of #ShitSocialMediaManagersSay ;-)

“Ever have one of those days where you want to reply to every email you get in caps lock?”

“The spikes in your blood pressure today could power a car” “I am 3 secs from killing everyone” “can i take bets on who ur gonna punch 1st?”

“Eeehhee!”
“The wind spirit is trolling you.”

“You can come with me. You will not piss off my people.”

“I know not, I am but a tree.”

“Many is one. One is many–”
“We KNOW!!”

“Of course the Staaaaaaag spirit told you.” #WerewolfSarcasm

“Hey Max, is that that the Narthalus?”

“I’m going to slit my wrists tomorrow, aren’t I?”
“It’s ok. I’ll bring gauze.”

“You started it! You started talking about weed!”
“I started talking about Bob Marley!”
“Well…. you hair is green!”

“We have fans of goth and metal and darkness.”

“Well, it could be sarcastic.” – @sarahdope on her fortune cookie

I AM GOING TO STAB YOUR SOUL WITH MY LASER EYES

I want to sit the world down and explain how to properly use social media. But then I realize I’d be out of a job. Keep on sucking, humanity

It’s kinda weird they Obi Wan Kenobied TuPac at #Coachella. Just sayin.

The best birthday present I have gotten so far is a Hipster-free weekend in LA. Thanks #Coachella!

“Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.”

“forget #YOLO – i subscribe to the ILAMTAIGDW philosphy. pronounced eye-lamb-tie-guh-dwuh, meaning I LIVE AS MANY TIMES AS I GODDAMN WANT!”
“I prefer #IAAVB myself. ‘I Am A Vampire, Bloodbag.'”

“You should wear him as a suit and make him Obfuscate you.” “That’s a good idea. Ima make me an Ian suit!”

“I’ll be in this hallway masturbating. Praise Caine.”

“vampire night strikes again”

“Sanctus. Dominos. Pizza Rolls.”

“What kind of math is that?!?!?”
“That’s fucking vampire math.”

“It’s difficulty 6.”
“I thought it was higher.”
“Don’t look a gift Difficulty in the mouth.”

“I want to have your undead sparkle babies.”

“My admiration for you went from a 10 to a 2.”
“Well, I did put you in the floor.”
“And turned me into a jacket.”

“Gonna ride the Caine Train! Rock you like a hurri-Caine!” – Cali’s Sermon of Caine

“We’re going under the capital to kill Ian then out to the boondocks to kill me because Fred is a dick.”

“It’s impossible to create a tabletop game of subtle vampire horror when you’re players are busy creating a raver zombie Thriller army.”

New idea for Taco Bell: taco shells made out of deep fried chicken. Make it happen.

Mark Zuckerberg is stupid for buying Instagram for a billion, you can download it for free in the app store.

“This is all I hear all day in our office – ‘unicorns and vampires.'”
“Hey. I haven’t talked about vampires in at LEAST an hour.”

Rick Santorum suspending his campaign to be President of the 1950’s.

“What if I came up with a meme today?”
“That’s going on twitter.”
“You’re creating really great content for me since all I do is RT you.”

“Is this now? I thought it was Monday. Oh wait. It is Monday.” – @ramidearest, totally on top of shit.

ROBERT ANDERSEN BUYS CAPPUCCINO FOR $3 IN FLAVOR ACQUISITION MOVE.

My Twitter feed is full of butthurt about Facebook buying Instagram. Don’t be mad that Mark Zuckerburg is the living “all the things” meme.

Oh fuck. “He is Risen” is trending. Has the zombie apocalypse finally started?? I have my baseball bat and shotgun ready!

My power words are “fuck you.” Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t do something or aren’t good enough. Say it with me: “FUCK YOU.”

Google this: 1.2+(sqrt(1-(sqrt(x^2+y^2))^2) + 1 – x^2-y^2) * (sin (10000 * (x*3+y/5+7))+1/4) from -1.6 to 1.6

“Why is today called “Good Friday” when it commemorates someone’s murder? In that case, I’ve done a lot of good. You’re welcome, world.”

HOW CAN CATERPILLARS EVOLVE INTO BUTTERFLIES? WHY CAN’T THEY BE INTELLIGENTLY DESIGNED INTO BUTTERFLIES? #GOPWarOnCaterpillars

CATERPILLARS CHANGE INTO BUTTERFLIES. DO WE WANT THAT KIND OF FLIP FLOPPING IN OUR OFFICE? #GOPWarOnCaterpillars

IF WE LEGALIZE CATERPILLAR MARRIAGE, THE CHILDREN WILL BE CONFUSED. MOSTLY BY CATERPILLARS GETTING MARRIED. #GOPWarOnCaterpillars

“I’ve never heard Depeche mode. Oh wait. This is Depeche Mode? I hate it. It’s good we all have different tastes in music.”
“NO IT’S NOT!”

“I don’t know if I want to watch ‘Game of Thrones’ or masturbate.”
“Can’t you do both?”
“I’m not good at multitasking.”

“This is what you get for not watching it when it aired!”
“We were 8 minutes late! And I was TiVoing it!”
“Where’s your faggot god now?!”

“Whatever! My room is clean!”
“No it’s not. It’s that other thing. ‘Not clean’.”

“I hope he gets hit by a bus. And a piano.”
“What about a bus carrying a piano?”
“And a meteor. That’s real hate. That’s galactic hate.”

“I don’t have larceny.”
“I love that you guys have such well rounded characters.”
“Really?”
“No. I was being sarcastic.”

“How come we don’t get XP from botching? WHY WON’T YOU LET US LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES????”

“The 4th Step Up movie is called…ready for it… Step Up Revolution.”
“It is set during the American Revolution? Cuz that would be awesome.”

“I think this day needs precisely 11.3% more whimsy…”

“Oh you have swag? I bet that looks great on a resume.

“It makes the Jedi seem like such… Uh… What’s the word…”
“Dicks?”
“That too.”

“You need to do a Sermon of Caine.”
“Caine, Caine, he’s our man. If he can’t do it, no one can?”
“That’s not very Lasombra.”
“Lasombra, Lasombra, that’s our clan. If we can’t do it, no one can?”

“I’m going to write a blog about what a dick you are.”
“I’m going to troll your blog.”
“I’M GOING TO TROLL YOU IN HELL.”

“Are the Republican candidates trying to become president of Toys-R-Us or something? First Pokemon, now the Etch-A-Sketch.

“When in doubt, freak ‘em out.

“Happy St. Patrick’s Day. I’m celebrating by wearing all black, staying sober, and listening to VNV Nation.”

“IKEA is delivering some furniture today…. which means I will spend the next six hours trying to fucking put this bookshelf together.”

“I love this song.” – @ramidearest, on this annoying non-stop loop of hold music.

“Woke up in the middle of the night due to Hyper Cat and the Case of the Oncoming Cold. This is the Nancy Drew novel from Hell.”

“You are conscious…. which is about the only good thing we can say for your situation.”

“We are so bad at being vampires, we are turning into werewolves.”

“I heard loud laughter from the conference room and saw someone’s Twitter. I put two and two together and figured it was either vampires or werewolves.”

“Why are they shooting at me? Who sees me?”
“Well, you did just break an entire window.”
“It could be a silent window!”

“Please tell me those a fleeing victims. And those are not lights, they are moon roofs.” – Cali, about the legion of incoming police cars

“Take pity on me!” – Calista, after botching her awe roll to said fleet of angry cops.

“Fire is the only thing that can kill a Twilight vampire.”
“Really? I thought it was any character with a two dimensional personality.”

“Beware the Ides of March! Make sure you celebrate by eating a Caesar salad and/or going to an orgy today.”

“Beware ‘The Ides of March’!” – William Shakespeare, film critic

“New rule. You cannot bring prostitutes to business dinners.” #OutOfContextOfficeQuotes

Just heard the best possible tag line for Battleship: “Let the bodies hit D-4″

“Is that a bong? Is that a vagina? Is that a vagina in a box?” #OutOfContextOfficeQuotes

It makes me sad that the “Science Fiction Series” section at the bookstore has now become “books based on videogames.”

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