Mo’ quotes, mo’ money

“The meeting is for midnight. This doesn’t give us a lot of time.”
“Can we just… can we just burn down Elysium?”

“We need a writ of carte blanche.”
“Where the hell do we get that? Go to the ‘Writ of Carte blanche-mart?’”

“We have to stop him from arriving.”
“Let the air out of his tires!”
“I don’t know if he even has a car.”
“Let the air… out of his bat wings?”

“You can’t outsource flaming barrel management!”

First, my realtor was into death metal. Now, my cable guy used to play with Marilyn Manson. I think I shall dub my new place “Metal Palace”.

Why do we even have DST anymore? We invented these things. They’re called lightbulbs.

“I hate packing. I fucking hate it. I now have less than 24 hours to get everything I own into boxes. FML so hard.”
“Be extra careful how you pack the handfuls of earth from your mortal life. Don’t want your dice pool getting halved.”

Rose are Red. Violets are Blue. I like it when you smell like a Christmas tree. Also you can’t rhyme anything with the word elbow I checked.

“I feel like ‘Brohio’ is @Fwiz‘s middle name.”

“Thank god we’re sitting on a curb in the dark in an empty parking lot in Hollywood. Nothing bad can come of this.”
“It’s ok. I’m Catwoman.”

Claiming someone else’s marriage should be illegal because it’s against your religion is like outlawing donuts because you are on a diet.

“So…. you get inside and the decor is very…… Flaming Barrel du Jour.”

The guy next to me is blasting Godsmack. If I punch him, I believe it’s considered self defense.

I wish Rick Santorum would give up his Presidential campaign for Lent…

“It’s a vagina, not a Stargate.”

“I don’t have a shadow. I’m a Lasombra obviously.”
“Not necessarily. Peter Pan didn’t have a shadow and he wasn’t a Lasombra!”

“My friend Tani…”
“Has she ever, at any point in her life, been a stripper? Because that’s a stripper name.”
“It’s short for ‘Tanya’.”
“That’s stripper-adjacent.”

“I… I tried asking some trees for advice and…. and they were trees.”

“Hey Pizza Hut. Do you deliver to the evil death road?”

“I just head a really good cover of the Greatful Dead by the Counting Crows.”
“All of the words you just said make me angry.”

MSNBC Headline: “Most Americans agree with Santorum: Satan is real.” Shoulda changed ‘with’ to ‘about’

It’s not a stage I’m in. It’s a stage I’m on.

Can’t we just combine President’s Day and Fat Tuesday into one holiday called Fat President’s Day? Then we can celebrate Bill Clinton.

Just booked movers. I had to find a weekend where I wasn’t getting tattooed or being a vampire. This was more difficult than you would think

“I’m PMSing so hard right now that not even shopping is making me smile.”
“Wow, dude. That’s the girliest thing you’ve ever said.”

“They are of the Sword. Kill the mortals. Praise Caine!”
“Okay, Tebow….”

“From now on, we’re going to have Blood Points, Willpower points, and Montage Points.”

“You have to spend a Willpower point.”
“Your face is a Willpower point.”
“Your mom is a Willpower point.”
“And I spend her every night. OH!”

“Now I can’t do velociraptors because it’s been done! Velociraptors and flaming giraffes! Don’t take away my options.”

“So… what’s the difficulty?”
“Seven.”
“So….. what if I botched? What! You wanted a distraction!”

“Please don’t diablarize me while I’m a jacket. Thanks.”

Skrillex, a Gothic icon and Lesbian fashionista whose name is Latin for “Homosexual Satan Wasp”… FUCKING LULZ

Happy Valentine’s Day! The best part is when it’s over and you don’t have to listen to your friends complain about it anymore until 2013!

“Your personal ad would read ‘single female Brujah seeks fanged male for spontaneous acts of rebellion. Must be able to Dominate. No Nos.’”

“This is gonna be love.”
“This is gonna be aggravated damage, is what there is gonna be.”

Tied a feather duster to my cat and chased her around the house. #Cleaning

“The first truth of Buddha is ‘everyone suffers.’”
“Oh. I thought this was gonna be, like, a Fight Club thing.”

“There is something wrong. There is bad energy. TAKE OFF THOSE FUCKING SHOULDER PADS!”

“Are you Lester?”
“Most days.”

“I have a spare iPhone you can buy. I can’t give it to you but you can have it for cheap.”
“Can I just… Can I just steal it from you?”

“I kinda wanna select his entire music library and modify the volume so he can’t turn it up.”

“What the fuck are you listening to?”
“I dunno. It’s your computer. Your phone probably put it on here.”
“I FUCKING KNEW IT!”

“You got a new phone.”
“I know! I don’t trust it. It has Facebook everywhere. It’s stalking me. Get out of here, Facebook!”

“How did you find my Twitter?”
“Vampires Anonymous”

“I want more actions per turn – I need more points in montage. “

“Look, how many movies have you watched where the giant sleeping evil turns out to be a Care Bear?”
“Good thought, Irish Dude!”

“I leave and go to the bathroom and he is already destroying the world?!?!?!?!”

“You gotta be pretty fucking cocky to negotiate with a demon!”
“Listen. I was on tv!”

“You never know, the shadow creatures could be friendly!”

“I am not like most guys.” -Most Guys

“I was in the darkness, so darkness I became.”

The first person to bring me a Shamrock Shake gets an upgraded suite in my dungeon when my Doom Legions take over the planet. #EvilOverlord
∑ = Ue We De. If this means nothing to you, you shouldn’t be doing social media.

“The chances of me getting poisoned from 2 blocks away are…not high. I just dropped my statistics class so I cant do the math on this one”

“Do you know what that is like, E? To be in a place where everyone is on drugs?”
“Yeah. It’s like college.”

my mba is in internet

“Dude. Pitbull has to stop looking like me.” – @ramidearest

“vampiro style” is spanish for “elissa style.”

Someone’s drunk mom is doing karaoke for the Super Bowl halftime show.

“Fish are SO goth, haven’t you heard?”
“So goth. I mean, just the other day I saw this goldfish who had Bauhaus entire discography on vinyl”

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