Q&A 2009

Once upon a time, I did a whoooooooole bunch of Q&As about my career, myself, and the Great White Whale en Flambe. I think its about time to repost them and add some other questions I get asked all the time. I’ve updated some answers and left others. Enjoy!

What is it that you do?
If you don’t yet know, I’m a tour manager for the one and only Jeffree Star. (If you want to know what a TM does, please check out my blog about different jobs in the music industry for all of that and more!) I absolutely love what I do, even though its harder than fuck some times.

Can I meet you and Jeffree at a show and take a picture
This is the second question on the list because I get it a lot. Yes, yes, yes, yes! Jeffree always does a signing after EVERY show at our merch table/tent (unless for some reason the venue won’t let us) so if you go to a Jeffree Star show, you CAN get a photo and autograph. Because there is almost always a huge line, Jeffree can only take one photo and sign one autograph per person. Trust me, if you come to a show, you’ll get to hear me shout this to everyone and you can help me out by cheering and making an orderly line. If you happen to be going to Warped Tour, we will be there from June 26th to July 23rd. Jeffree has a hot pink merch tent so make sure you get there EARLY and find it! Our merch guy will be able to tell you what time Jeffree will be signing. Warped Tour does not announce the band lineup until THE DAY OF THE SHOW AT 11AM!!! So even we don’t know what time we’re going onstage or what time Jeffree will be doing his signing. Make sure you get to the show super early so you don’t miss us or any of the other amazing bands that are on this year’s lineup!

If you really want a picture with me, that is actually a little harder to do. I’m usually the one taking pictures of Jeffree with his fans and hussling the line along during the signing and at any other time, I’m usually running around working. So if I can stop and take a picture with you, I will do my best but please understand if I can’t. You can almost always grab a picture with Jeffree, though, and trust me, he’s the sexier one out of the two of us so you won’t be disappointed!

What college did you go to, and what classes did you major in?
I went to Emerson College and I have a BA in Audio Engineering, with 3 minors. Ethics/Philosophy, New Media, and Photography.

Do you think Emerson was a good school?
Yes and no. It was good, for me, in that I really needed 4 years to grow up and find myself as an adult. I got my first internship in LA though Emerson. But, as an audio engineer, their audio program is really bad. They don’t give you the hands on technical training you really need. They definitely train you to be motivated, to understand media history and theory, and prepare you for just how grueling the industry is. But their technical program is terrrrrrrrrrible. I still think Berklee School of Music in Boston has the best Audio Engineering program out there. I love Emerson, I love the student body, I love the climate. But to learn what I needed to know in this career, they missed the mark.

If you didn’t have the jobs and opportunities that you have now, what do you think you’d be doing, instead?
That’s a tough one… if I didn’t have all the opportunities, I think I’d probably still be doing temp work or interning, trying to get into the industry. But if I made no headway at all, I’d probably go back to school to get my phD in PaleoMarine Biology and go do something intellectual.

Any rumors you want to put to rest?
That ANY woman slept her way to the top and that it is even possible to sleep your way to the top. That is the easiest thing to say about a woman in any industry and it always seems to be the first stone thrown, even if it is patently untrue. I think women are encouraged to be sluts and not to try to be serious professionals. That is a rumor I’d LOVE to see die.

What are some challenges you have overcome?
In addition to my gender and age (which are such obvious adversities, I won’t bother with them), I have my personality. Despite appearances to the contrary, I am very shy and very sensitive. I am very, very hard on myself so I had to overcome my stubborn nature and be willing to take risks and make mistakes and keep going when I failed. Also, coming from an academic background was a challenge because no one I knew had any idea what the entertainment industry was like. Moving to LA was also hard. I had no friends here at all when I first moved and, being an only child, my friends ARE my family. So building a life here, separate from my parents, while still keeping my eyes on my career has been a struggle. And my education was WOEFULLY lacking in its technical program so I’ve had to make up a lot of ground in the studio that I feel I should have covered in college. In addition to all of that, I decided to jump from the Studio world, where I had years of training and experience, to the Touring world which was very different.

How did you get to be where you are now?
I got here by working my fool ass off. Back-story is that I’d been planning since I was 5 on becoming a paleo-marine biologist. I did all these summers at Wood’s Hole Oceanographic institute and shit. But about a month before college applications were due, I was really questioning if this was what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I met Brandon from Incubus and he gave me the best advice of my life (which gets echoed in a question below). He really encouraged me to do what I loved instead of what was expected and kept on me while I wavered in fear. I applied to and was accepted to Emerson College, where I earned my BA in audio production. While at Emerson, I helped found and run their record label (Head of Recording and President, yo!) and DJed on their two radio stations…which gave me a taste for what I didn’t want to do. I came to LA my last semester in college and did my internship with a wonderful studio that unfortunately closed when a lot of the big recording studios in LA shut down. I went home for graduation and moved back with no job and no place to live. I lived in a hotel for a month then took a temp job doing website design in a cube farm until I got hired as a runner at a big rock studio several months later. (I’m not giving out names to protect the not-so-innocent. Sorry!) It was… a learning experience. I cleaned toilets, scrubbed floors with toothbrushes, fetched food, cleaned up puke/piss/semen/shit/drugs off the walls on several occasions, and was generally a janitor/receptionist/pizza delivery girl for 2 years… that is what being a runner is, by the way. It is basically the most miserable job you can ever hope to have. I was working 16 hours shifts so I had no life at all. All for minimum wage… but the hard work paid off and I got hired to manage their competition. I was a studio manager while I met Jeffree and started helping him out at his shows. Eventually, he began touring frequently and I made the decision to leave the studio world and venture into live and now I get to tour the world with my best friends!

What is typical work day like?
Well, there is no such thing as a ‘typical day’. I basically do what needs to be done. Before a tour, its doing everything from designing graphics to reaching out to promoters and booking agents to researching the routing so we know what is around and how to get there to making the laminates to arranging rehearsals to suggesting better venues…. During a tour, I have to call each venue the day before and ‘advance the date’ which means I let them know when we’ll be arriving, reconfirm the have everything we need, reconfirm any details… basically, touch base with the venue and lock in times and details. The day of the show, I am making sure we get paid, making sure everyone is set up, making sure everything is running… basically, I do whatever needs to get done. Its a lot of smiling, a little yelling, and a ton of running around.

What did you do as a studio manager? What was typical work day like?
I used to manage a kick ass recording studio in Burbank. It was definitely an ulcer-inducing gig because I was responsible for everything that goes on (getting all the sessions, paying all the bills, billing the clients) but I loved it all the same.

My work was a big mix of calm and chaos. There was a lot of ‘dead time’ where there is nothing that I need to do so I have to find constructive ways to fill my time. But it is kind of like living in the eye of the hurricane. There are always fires to put out, so to speak, so it is stressful. Usually, I get in, check all my emails/voicemails/etc and make whatever calls to be made. I check in with my staff about what happened the night before and deal with any session related issues. I’m the one who calls all the record companies/rental companies/etc to get whatever we need so I spend a bit of time calling them, generating invoices, etc. Then there is the mail call and paying bills, etc. I typically go have lunch with my staff in the middle of the day so I can touch base with them about how sessions are going. Then its back to the office to deal with the emails that have built up, calling more labels/management companies about booking more sessions for the future, and keeping an ear open to any problems that might arise. Studios are pretty silent, calm places for the staff in between crises. (The bands, however, sometimes make it crazy.) Its a lot of paperwork, mostly, and talking to people, telling the staff what to do and making sure our clients have everything they need. Its very different from being a runner where I was, literally, running for room to room cleaning and setting up/tearing down mics, driving all over to get food, etc. It is calm in comparison.

I freelance as an engineer and producer when I’m not at my studio. All producers and engineers are ‘freelance’ in that they are not employed by a recording studio/record label/etc. (When I was in high school, I thought they were.) Engineers/Producers are hired at the whim of the record label and are out there, by themselves, finding their own work. The actual work involves the usual sort of recording processes from setting up mics, to running ProTools, to recalling sessions to trying to get good takes out of whiny musicians. (If you’re big time, you usually have assistants to do all of that except the last. I do it all or some depending on the budget for the session and if they can afford an assistant for me.) I usually track (record the musicians playing live) as opposed to mix (adjust the recorded tracks to make them clearer and more dynamic) which means I spend most of my session dealing with the people in the band and the entourage around maneuvering over technical hurdles. And it seems to be a rule that, no matter how early you get in on your first day to track drums and set up, you always start recording at 5 pm. Don’t know how that works but I thought I’d put that out there for you.

Have you run into any prejudice while in the music industry as you came up into it? If so, how do/did you handle it?
Yeah and it really surprised me. I was raised in such a way that bigotry and prejudice are really foreign to me and I have a hard time understanding it. So when people talked about the ‘glass ceiling’ for women in this (or any) industry I was like “shut up. This isn’t the 50s. Everyone knows that a person’s gender/race/creed/sexuality/etc doesn’t mean they will fail or excel at certain careers!”

So, when I first encountered a gender prejudice, I was confused. Because I am in the technical side of things, I get a lot of “a girl can’t do that” kind of shit. Sometimes, its done sort of sweetly, like boys rushing to my ‘aid’ if I’m lifting an amp and sometimes its just outright rude. I was once told by an artist whose name I won’t mention (but his name rhymes with ‘Sped Worst’) that “no rock band would ever hire a chick producer” and I should just “suck dick like a normal girl and get over the dream.” Needless to say, I slapped him, told him that when he was a penniless, no-talent has-been that I’d be lining up my Grammy’s, and was dragged out of the dressing room by my ‘Big Brother.’ That is not the way to deal with prejudice but it is a damn funny story.

Anyway, I deal with it by proving them wrong. I work my ass off, I excel at what I do, I learn from watching others and making mistakes. (Mistakes are really, really important so don’t be afraid to make them.) It definitely gets under my skin when I’m treated like eye candy (especially when I get hit on by clients or coworkers) but, unless they cross a line, I just keep doing what I’m doing. You have to develop a thick skin because someone is always going to say something offensive no matter what your gender/ethnicity/etc. But, if it is meant in a fairly harmless way, I let it go. This industry is a boy’s club and I’ve gotten to hang with the boys by proving that I’m just as good as them and that I can take a little teasing. Teasing is definitely a big part of this industry (for everyone) so sometimes it is hard to differentiate between a little harmless ragging and a genuine prejudice. So I just work hard and show up my detractors. And at the end of the day, I feel better about myself and I have some rad accomplishments to show for it.

Would you ever consider kind of…mentoring someone? Like if they proved themselves to be legit and honest to God serious about what they were trying to pursue?
Well, I try to be a resource now, just by opening myself up with things like this, for people to ask questions, trying to talk about my experience. When I decided I wanted to do this, I didn’t know anyone in the technical side of the industry. I knew a few guys in bands that weren’t yet really big, I baby-sat for the program director of my local rock radio station, and I was friends with a label president… but none of that was producing and I really didn’t know how to break into it. So, remembering that, I try to always talk to people and encourage them because I would have liked to have something like that in my life when I was just starting out.

But as for really, really mentoring someone… well, I’m still figuring out what I’m doing! And this industry is so much luck, timing, and perseverance that I really don’t have anything else to offer aside from support and talking about my personal experience. Everyone takes a totally different path to get here which is why it is soooooo scary. Its not like a corporate world where a mentor can teach you the skills you need to advance from plateau to plateau. There is no clear cut path and once someone gets in one way, you usually can’t repeat the performance. I’m more than happy to talk to you guys, to offer advice and support and encouragement. But honestly, that’s about the limit of the helpful stuff I have to give! If I was in a position where I thought I could mentor someone and it would help, I absolutely would. But I’m still super young and just starting my career. So… I guess what I’m saying is this is my attempt to mentor everyone at once.

What is the best way to get a job doing something, anything, in the music industry in a town that’s not exactly a ‘music hub’?
This is a good one. Getting jobs at local mom and pop record stores or even the big chains is a good way to learn a lot about what kind of music is out there, what people are doing, etc. Also, look around and see what actual non-retail sides of music exist in your area. Most radio stations are not actually housed in the capital city but in random little side towns. (For example, WAAF in my home state was in Westboro forever which was a town away.) Try to get a job or an internship at a radio station. (If your high school or college has a radio station DO THAT SHIT! It is fun as hell.) Also, there are often little tiny recording studios, management companies, venues, etc in even the most mundane of places. In Milford, Massachusetts which is complete nowhere there was a tiny little recording studio that I wrote a paper on in high school (for my English class) just so I had an excuse to hang out there. The owners thought it was ‘cute’ that I was so into metal so they let me hang out in the lobby and see the rooms in between takes. Same thing, local venues sometimes have in-house merch or need door people or whatever. It may not be state-of-the-art but it will give you a technical or business leg up. If all of that fails or isn’t available, find a local band (even if they suck) and offer to do merch or go “hey! I’m your manager. DANCE MONKEYS DANCE!” Doing stuff with local bands is, in my not so humble opinion, the best way to get involved in the industry because its pretty down and dirty and tough.

There is a music scene in every city in this country. You just have to become a part of it, basically. Go to shows!

Other than the label at Emerson, TMing for Jeffree, and the recording studios what other jobs in the industry have you done (touring, managing, art etc.) And what is your favorite (of the others)?
I actually worked for two labels in my life. I was the ‘promotions director’ of Lifeless Records (Shadows Fall’s record label) in High School… which sounds cool as all hell but was really code for “I baby sat for the program director of WAAF radio and I was the music and broadcast director of my high school radio station” so I just took CDs and gave them to local radio people I knew. Lifeless was a vehicle for getting Shadows Fall and some other local New England bands noticed and I just helped out because they were friends and I thought their band was great. I was involved right at the very beginning of Lifeless’s run so I got to see what happens when you DIY a label and how hard you have to work to get it off the ground.

The other label was Emerson Records, which was started at my college my freshman year. I was the Production Coordinator, which meant I supervised all of our recording since it was done in house, and later the President of the record label. It was one of the most difficult gigs I’ve ever had because we had no resources, the president before me had ruined the label so I had to rebuild it from scratch (literally, we had to go back before our college board and everything), I had to negotiate and draft a contract with a band we signed with 0 experience, set up events, oversee all the chairs and meetings, balance the budget, allocate resources, set up events… it was hard as hell and I learned a lot. I’m really glad I did it.

As I previously mentioned, I was the Music and Broadcast director of WHHB radio at my high school, which was the greatest gig ever. I basically got to write to record labels and get free CDs for the radio station, go to shows and get backstage to meet the bands/promoters/label people/etc… That gave me my first real taste of the industry and developed my love for the industry. It was fundamental to me getting here today. That was probably my favorite as far as what it involved but I don’t want to do radio for a living because real radio is very, very different. It is much, much more structured and I loved WHHB because I was allowed to solicit from labels I loved instead of sticking to one format.

I was also a DJ on WHHB, WERS, and WECB which I enjoyed. The first and last were freeform so I got to play whatever I wanted with my good friends. We were spinning Incubus, Limp Bizkit, Jack Off Jill, Human Waste Project, and a bunch of other bands way before any other radio stations would touch them. It was a great experience… and made for good mix tapes in the car since I always recorded my shows. (120 minute tapes. MMMMM!) I guest DJed on Nasty Habits on WERS which is the longest running metal and hardcore show on the East Coast.

I event/tour manage for my friends in need and which grew into working for Jeffree. Most stuff that hasn’t been with him has been one-off, LA-based shows since I’m pretty committed to him. But I’d love to get out and do longer tours with other bands as well!

I did sound design for a few plays which helped me get used to a board. I also did Front of House for a few concerts but it had definitely been a while on that front before I had to start doing it with Jeffree. I’ve done merch a few times, which is a good way to help out your friends and still see the show. I’ve done lots of general helping my friends bands with everything from website design to flyering at shows to being a roadie.

What else… um, I apprenticed under Jim Bucky at Soundtrack Studios. This was my first studio experience and under him I engineered and produced my first records. Soundtrack is a gorgeous studio and I got to get acquainted with SSLs, get better at ProTools, learn outboard gear, cut tape, and just really work in a real studio. It was invaluable experience.

Analog or digital? (And what kind of mic do you like to use on a kick drum?)
DIGITAL! Digital digital digital digital DIGITAL! And I’ll tell you why… obviously… but first, let me explain for the non-audio geeks… there is a big debate in the audio world as to what is a more superior medium to record – analog tape or straight to digital. Now, analog records the complete sound wave whereas digital only takes snapshots… but with technologies relentless advance, digital has narrowed the gap so you can’t really hear it and it will only get better. Analog tape is finicky, easily destroyed, and expensive to use whereas digital allows for a lot of editing on the fly, its hard to destroy information during editing, and you can easily back it up in case of catastrophic drive failure. But in addition to the ease of use, I think it plain sounds better. I think we, as engineers, got used to listening to a shittier sound and have a sort of emotionally attachment to it. If you really like the sound of analog, roll off the high and low end! Digital captures the sound with greater clarity and less noise from the medium. Combined with its ease of use, I’m totally a digital kid. Fuck analog! (But I still print my mixes to 1/2″. Industry standard, what can you do?)

Oh. And it definitely depends on the session, the song, the sound you’re going for. I’ve used the AKG D-112s and liked them. I had a lot of success with the Electro-Voice RE-20. It is a little cleaner so if you’re going for that speed metal sort of sheen, it works nicely. I also double mic with a Yamaha subkick to get a nice thud. Some people were doing it with a SM-7 or the reverse wired speaker the Yamaha rips off, which I’ve never tried. Good luck!

What was the best advice you were ever given? And what’s the best advice you have for other people?
The best advice I was ever given and the best advice I have are one and the same: risk it all and pursue what you really love. I was always told I could do anything that I put my mind to. My parents always told me that I could have/achieve anything that anyone else had with a little hard work. So my advice is this: if you really want something, risk it all and pursue it. It is better to fail in trying than live to regret and wonder what may have been. Don’t envy, be inspired. And most of all, don’t bag yourself if you fail. Everyone fails. But one failure or even a whole string is not an end or a defeat. Learn from it and keep going. And sing Rocky Horror songs while you do it. I stayed as a runner for so long because I was SO scared to leave. I thought this was the only way to get a career in the music industry, taking years to pay my dues… I thought leaving would be admitting defeat. But I left and got my job as a studio manager. So remember, too, that risking it all for your dreams means sometimes risking the dream itself. I forgot that for a while and I had to remind myself.

If you had the chance to lead the country, what would you do to change it? Is there any agenda you would have?
Well, I’d be an iron fisted dictator and anyone caught disobeying me would be shot… but aside from that… what I think we need most is to repair our country before we worry about the rest of the world. I think we do need to repair ties with the global community but I think the best way to do that is to stop shoving our policies down the throats of the rest of the planet. I think we need real education reform to create a truly competitive workforce. We absolutely need to cut federal spending, which is out of control. We need initiatives to create jobs, to drop inflation… my main focus would be on education and the economy. Being inwardly focused would help our country and would make the rest of the world happy because we’d be leaving them the fuck alone. I’m honestly more worried about the people here running our country into the ground then I am concerned about a ragtag bunch of terrorists ability to take us down. The government’s response to 9/11 has done far greater damage to this country than the actual event, I think. I’d work to try and repair that and prepare us for the future.

If you were banished to the moon, what 8 things would you take with you?
1. Space Suit
2. The corn that can allegedly grow anywhere
3. Something help me find and purify water (don’t they have underground rivers on the moon?)
4. A towel
5. A babble fish
6. The hitchhikers guide
7. ?????
8. PROFIT!!

What? I mean I want to survive, yo! I need me a space suit! And with a towel maybe I can flag down a passing flying saucer and bust out of my banishment!

What is one item of technology that you would go crazy without?
My computer and its relative internet connection. I am a JUNKIE!

Did you vote for Obama or McCain?
NEITHER! Neither, neither, neither and I’ll tell you why. I did not believe either of them were the right man for the job. My vote is my endorsement and I would never lend it to someone who I didn’t think was the best person for that office. Even were I in a battleground state, I would have voted the same. (I voted for Nader in 2000, 2004, and 2008.) I strongly believe that if people voted, not out of fear of ‘the other guy’, but based on their knowledge of the candidates platforms and history… if they voted for the person whom they truly believed was the best person then our system would be vastly different. It is an idealistic belief but if I don’t stand up for my ideals, well who else will? I actually wrote an essay on the subject after the election that I’m rather proud of. Read that if you want my theories on electoral politics.

But no matter whom you vote for, please learn about all the candidates, the ballot initiatives, and vote in every election! Even local politics is very important! Voting is your voice in the system.

Among the people you know, whom would you like to compete in a game of Survivor with?
The ones I could most easily beat for the money. (For reals. If I have to eat rats for a month, I want the fat bank.)

What character traits do you think are important for a person in the industry to posses (Do you think these are traits a person is born with or can learn?)
I definitely think you learn all your traits. (Although it is hard to teach an old dog new tricks.) We’re always learning, all of us. I think you certainly needed to be dedicated and resilient because you will fail and fall and have doors slammed in your face and be overlooked and on and on many times. And you have to be able to pick yourself up and keep going. And that takes patience and self-esteem that is hard to build. You have to be aggressive, because this industry waits for no one, but you have to temper it. You can’t just run around fucking people over and slitting throats. There needs to be professional respect. Respect in general is a big deal – you have to know how to treat people respectfully without being asskissey or egotistical. You need to be able to overlook people’s status and do what needs to be done. No fangirling. Mostly, though, being driven to persevere is the big quality you need to succeed.

Do you ever get tired of having fans or bands contact you?
Some days. It gets overwhelming because I try to reply to everyone and a lot of the time, I don’t know what to say. I’ve recently stopped talking to everyone all the time just because its hard to keep up and I don’t want to short change anyone by just saying “:-)” instead of something valid. My criteria is that I will respond to questions if I have answers but I don’t respond to “hi” or “how are you” or stuff like that because I’m too busy to make small talk. I try to be helpful and be a resource to answer questions, be it about tour dates or where to get tickets or if you can take pictures or how to break into the music industry or is Severus Snape is really my boyfriend. (He is.) So if you write to me and say “hi”, don’t be surprised or get offended if I don’t write you back.

For the most part, I like it. People usually write interesting things or send me silly things (mostly nerdXcore jokes) or allow me the opportunity to help them with their problems or goals. Those are a mixed blessing, in that I am honored to be of service to people but a lot of the times I don’t have the answers. So I do my best. And I’m totally flattered that anyone would care enough about me to write to me in general. On the whole, I enjoy it.

When do you think being a part time Evil Overlord will become full time?
When Caroline gets off her lazy ass and builds me my robot doom army.

Will you give your beloved lurkers a special position in your rule when you are Evil Overlord?
You guys can be cannon fodder generals in my army. Did Danica submit these?

[I want] to hear the ‘White Whale en Flambe’ story from Miss E.”
Oh god. The Great White Whale En Flambe. Okay, here we go…

Once upon a time, a certain Miss E drove around her mother’s white Dodge Caravan. She loved her minivan, as it was the perfect vehicle to cart around all of her friends at once. They removed the back seat and put a mattress in the back so they could fit more people in when the group of friends rolled out. It was also filled with the various debris of teenage life – books, clothing, shoes, papers, trash in a plastic mayonnaise jar, and $15,000 worth of CDs.The car was always unlocked, so the various friends of Miss E could use it for napping, reading, relaxing, writing, or whatever during free period at school (and sometime not during free periods.)

There were two simple rules regarding the car which all the friends dutifully obeyed:
1) You will tell Miss E if you are going to be in her car.
2) You will sit up front and roll the windows down if you are going to smoke cigarettes so the car doesn’t smell like smoke.

However, on one particular day, some of the friends did not obey these rules, to disasterous yet amusing results.

Miss E is always late. Miss E’s friends are always late. Miss E and her friends together cause a vortex of lateness so extreme that they are often so late they actually have to go back in time. This particular morning, Miss E was not that late but she was running close to it. She picked up her friend Melissa and left her car in the parking lot. She managed to park next to their friend Adam, who had been beggin her for months to park next to him so they could hang out after school. A harried Miss E left Melissa in the parking lot with their friend Michelle (as both were going to skip first period) and ran inside, checking in at the office since she was late and running to art class. In between classes, she stopped in the English office to chat with her teacher, for she was a nerd. As they were talking, the office began paging her and Adam over the loud speaker.

Now, Miss E was a good kid and an A student, however, she occasionally needed to take ‘mental health days’ with a few of her friends. The day prior to this incident, she had taken just such a mental health day and so she ignored the insistant paging, figuring she could finish her conversation before getting yelled at for not being at school the day before. However, as she was chatting with her teacher, someone came into the office and her ears picked up “blah blah blah car on fire.”

And Miss E knew. And a feeling of unreality slid over her.

“Do you know what kind of car it is?” she asked, slowly turning around.

“A white or beige minivan, I think,” said the woman.

And Miss E was off and running. She skidded around the corner and was greeted by the horror-stricken expressions of her friends. Michelle and Melissa looked guiltily at her, flanked by perenial “solid bros” Kristen and Becky for moral support. The next half hour is something of a blur to our Miss E, as its pretty damn traumatizing to be a 16 year old who just had her mother’s car burned up. There are vauge memories of being called into the principles office and calling her mother, who was just relieved no one was dead and Miss E didn’t get in trouble. A futile trip to the cafeteria for marshmallows later and Miss E was excused from school for the rest of the day.

When she got the full story, it broke down like this – Melissa and Michelle met up with two girls Miss E did not know. These four girls clambered in the minivan and hung out. Michelle left after a few minutes but Melissa sat in the van with the other two girls and smoked cigarettes. But not in the front, in the back on the comfy matress. They put out their cigarettes in the giant plastic mayonaise jar filled with paper because they were not bright. Thus, the car caught on fire and burned to the steel frame. The flames were so hot, it demolished the cars to either side and in front of Miss E’s car, including her poor friend Adam who had begged her to park next to him.

Every single person involved in this incident had the same auto insurance. They hate Miss E very much.

So Miss E’s car was roasted and all of her CDs and clothing and books burned. Miss E was not happy. But, in a stroke of luck, she did take The All Holy Notebook with all of her poetry out of the car the night before so she still has it on her shelf to this day.

So, if you smoke cigarettes or have friends who smoke cigarettes, make sure you don’t do it in the car then put the butts out in a jar filled with paper.

Oh and it bears note that the fact that Miss E is perpetually late saved the lives of all of the school because she needed gas badly enough the light was on but she didn’t have time to fill it before school. If she had, the car would have actually exploded, causing a chain reaction and blowing up every car in the lot and possibly collapsing the music wing because of the huge crack in the foundation they found the year after she graduated. The fire people were like “dude, thank god you suck at life and are always late.”