Never break a promise to yourself even if it means breaking a nail

“This town is our town, so fucking glamorous. I bet you’d live here if you could and be one of us.” – Human Waste Project

In case you’re wondering, Human Waste Project is the best band ever. That needs to be stated for the record.

I never, ever break a promise to myself and I never, ever give up on myself. I’ve promised myself a lot of things. The most recent promise was be transition from Studio Management to Tour Management. And, let me tell you, its been hard. I have 9 years of studio experience. I have a degree in Audio Engineering. I have hundreds of hours of internships, thousands of hours of running, days upon days of recording sessions under my belt. I went into that side of the industry pretty damn prepared and educated about what to expect, how to excel and exceed, and where to make my moves.

I lack all of this when it comes to touring. I did Front of House twice in college and I barely remember the events. I didn’t take any courses in Live Engineering and I certainly didn’t take any in Event Management. The live side of the industry was covered for about a day and a half in my Music Business 101 class and we were pretty much just dealing with how touring affects a label’s day-to-day operations. My Media Law courses didn’t touch the legalities of contracts, riders, liability insurance, or just about anything that touched on touring. Come to think of it, I don’t think we even mentioned a rider in the actual classroom – just in the lab looking on the smokinggun.com and laughing at some of the things people request. I’ve been to probably five hundred shows and worked a great many of them but I never did more than merch or assistant stuff, usually just helping out some friends do whatever needed to be done. Before I started working with Jeffree, I’d never even seen a contract for a show date. Hell, I didn’t even know how booking a show worked!

All I’ve learned about Tour Management has been through just getting out there and doing it. And Jeffree has been gracious enough to allow me the chance to make good on my promise to myself. One member of our management team commented to him today that I am extremely loyal. Well, why wouldn’t I be? Jeffree believed in me, in my innate ability to mesh with people, grasp concepts, learn on my feet, and deal well with crisises and put me in a position where I am representing him to venues and fans, dealing every single bit of finances we have, all the logistics, keeping everyone else happy and on track when I had 0 experience in the field…. That is a lot of faith to have in someone.

When I started working with Jeffree, he had 5 shows under his belt and had been playing live for 3 months. Its CRAZY to me to think that I’ve been a part of this for that long. But even when he was still a fresh act, he had the name draw to pull in a big time tour manager, with decades of experience handling every act imaginable. He certainly has that draw now. I can’t begin to tell you the number of people that try everything they can to snake their way onto our crew. People will say, in front of me, that they want to TM Jeffree. And every time, he smiles graciously and says “Thanks, but I already have someone I’m really happy with.”

At the end of the day, we’ve grown together. As his career has gotten bigger, we’ve both had to learn how to deal with the reality of these changes. We’ve gotten good at things like signings. I mean, its still utter chaos with a billion screaming kids trying to cut each other and never enough time to get to them all. But we’ve gotten down the system between the two of us and we both know what to expect and can communicate nearly telepathically about problems, concerns, and constraints. Same thing, when we go to events, its pre-established that I’m gonna be the bitch that says “sorry, but we have to go to ________ so we can’t do anymore pictures” while he gets to smile apologetically and wave forlornly as I drag him off to wherever we need to be. Its literally my job to be the bitch, if the situation calls for it. I get paid to yell. “One picture, one autograph per person! Please have your cameras out and ready! If you do not have someone to take your picture, I can do it for you! Guys, take two steps back and stop crushing each other!” My throat is usually hoarse by the end of the night.

That reminds me. I need to put throat lozenges or something on our tour rider. And cigarettes, which defeats the purpose of lozenges entirely.

I don’t take the opportunities Jeffree has given me for granted. I still say thank you for letting me be a part of this because, at the end of the day, he absolutely doesn’t owe me anything and has consistently and constantly done his very best to give me a platform to realize my dreams, especially as those dreams have changed and evolved. I have more friends in bands than I can count if I stayed up until dawn but I’ve done the bulk of my road work with Jeffree. Jeffree hasn’t just promised and made good on his offer to take me out as his TM – he’s physically dragged me out on the road with him and made sure that I’m working and happy. He’s taken me to places I may not have seen otherwise. And as I’ve learned and gotten better, the number of other people who want me to go out with them has grown. He is letting me make my name once more in another sector of the industry.

Could I have done it without him? Sure. But it would have taken years of rebuilding my name and reputation in another arena, starting out doing merch for $50 a week for a band of 16 people in a 12 person van and working my way up. I don’t know if I would have left my cushy recording studio gig if I had known that I’d be throwing away nearly a decade of hard work to start all over at the bottom again. I’m a strong woman but I don’t know if I have that much strength in me, if I am completely honest.

Jeffree gave me a position comparable to my old one, full of responsibility and challenge (the two things I like best) and gave me free reign to either fly or fall flat on my face. I can’t stress how big of a leap of faith that is and how rare it is that anyone trusts anyone that much in this industry. I can’t say I would have done the same thing in his shoes, to be honest. When I first told my friends I wanted the hell out of the studio side and I wanted to get into live, I got a ton of “awesome, maybe you can tour with us some time.” No solid offers, no nothing. And I’m fully with them on doing that. I wouldn’t have taken me out either. Again, they don’t owe me anything – least of all a job. Taking someone who isn’t road tested out with you is a huuuuuuuuuuuge deal and usually leads to massive problems. All my friends were very supportive and encouraged me and I thank them all for it. And now that I’ve logged some miles under my belt, those offers of encouragement are becoming offers for actual jobs. That, too, feels really good. It’s nice to know “maybe you can tour with us sometime” has grown into “I’d really like to hire you onto my next tour.” Earning the trust and respect of my friends in this industry as not just a friend but a peer is exhilarating. So I have to thank them too (and there are too many to name) for giving me encouragement, advice, and most of all the opportunity to earn their respect in this new venue.

I can’t tell you how many nights I have sat up agonizing over my decision to leave the recording world and if it was truly the best choice. I loved my job, my staff, and my studio. At the end of the day, it was a position that commanded a hell of a lot of respect (and a nice paycheck, which made leaving pretty hard, I won’t lie). I threw all that away on a very, very uncertain dream. I don’t have the legions of contacts in the live industry that I do in the studio side. But I made a promise to myself that I’d do this and every time I hit a stumbling block, I picked myself up and kept going. When I say to people that you have to keep going no matter how many times you hear “no”, I mean it. I’ve had a few times when I wanted to turn tail and run back to recording. I’ve had some offers to manage some top-of-the-line studios and every offer was for more money than I was making before. And even though I was sorely tempted sometimes, I kept saying no to do one-offs with Jeffree. I believed… hell, believe in him and I believe in me. To go back to recording would be breaking a promise to myself. I’d be giving up on myself. And I always, always keep going. Sometimes, even when its probably stupid and I shouldn’t. But my bull-dog nature has kept me going and gotten me this far so I can’t dog it.

Now these one-offs have become our first nation-wide headlining tour. Its not a long tour compared to a lot of other acts, its not a billion dates, but its the next step up for us as a touring unit. It will bring its own set of challenges, mistakes, and triumphs. We’ll all learn from it, hopefully have fun, and make a lot of people totally happy for at least a night. And I’m doing so much for it. I put together our budget for the tour, I’m making our tour book, doing a bunch of the art, I’m figuring out where we’re staying when, and how we’re getting to point A to point B. I’m doing, well, my job. I’m still learning all the nuances of what my job entails and how to do them as best I can. I don’t have anyone to learn from. No training-period. And that is really, really scary sometimes. But Jeffree always encourages me, compliments me on jobs well done, and works with me to overcome problems. Plus, he throws beer bottles at anyone who dares get uppity with me and sings along while we drive so that’s always a bonus. And through the months and venues and shows we’ve done, I’ve gotten good at what I do. (I think, any way.) Contracts now aren’t gibberish, the routine of a show is now familiar, the $15 dollars someone tries to charge us for an $8 case of beer doesn’t go unnoticed, and the insanity of signings is at least expected if not totally reigned it. I’m getting comfortable acting as point person in venues and I don’t feel like cringing every time Jeffree introduces me to a new person as his tour manager. I feel like I’ve earned that title and I’m working every day to be better and better and better.

That’s why I’m SO stoked on this tour. Its like a diamond in all of our crowns. Its Jeffree’s first national headlining tour in the US. Its the longest tour he’s ever done by a long shot. Same for Breathe Carolina, who PS are the sweetest dudes ever. They asked me to help TM them too, which I’ll do so long as no one calls me Mom. I’ve already put so much work into this tour and I’m so excited to watch it all unfold and to know that we’ll come back from it that much stronger and wiser. Even if we have the worst time ever (and I’m hoping we’ll have the best time possible), we’ll have learned more and achieved more.

I really want as many of you to come out and see us as possible. I’m so proud of how far we’ve come. I’m in love with Jeffree’s new music, I’m astounded by how good our whole band is live, and I want everyone to come celebrate the next stage in the dreams of some crazy kids in California who seem to think that bringing a giant musical party across the country counts as a “real job.” Seriously, I am so proud of us and this tour and I honestly want to cry because its such a huge accomplishment. Jeffree has no label, no ad in AP, no nothing but a myspace to reach out to fans. For an artist who is totally self-supported to headline his own tour at the venue’s we’re playing is a pretty big deal. We’re not 12 kids in a van playing to 10 people at the VFW. This, honestly, is not something that usually happens at this level. Jeffree is paying for everything himself and putting this together without the deep pockets of a label to make things easy. That’s about as DIY punk as you can get. Even anti-flag has someone writing a nice check to rent them their tour bus and they are the most punk band I can think of at 4:40 in the morning.

Chasing a dream is hard, especially when you finally achieve what you dreamed of however many years ago and outgrow it. Dreams evolve and you must too. My dream at 14 was to be a music producer and work at the top rock studios in LA. I did that and found that, after a few years, it was boring to me. I’m sure that touring will become boring or whatever after a few years of doing it to and I’ll move on. (To that A&R gig if the industry every stabilizes for more than 20 seconds.) That’s the reality of life. Adapting and most importantly accepting that your dream has changed is hard to do but necessary for growth. What you dream is very different from the reality and it doesn’t always make you happy. (Case in point: every rock band that has ever been successful ever, especially Nirvana.) Instead of doing something until you hate and resent it, make a change. It doesn’t necessarily mean quitting your job, just changing a direction

My point is challenge yourself and most of all believe in yourself. Unless you luck into meeting someone like Jeffree, you’re probably going to be the only one believing in yourself for a little while until you prove you can do what you say you can do. Things WILL go wrong. Repeatedly. People WILL say no. Repeatedly. You will get to your final goal and realize you want to run another race. In all of this, do not give up. No matter how scary it is, no matter how much you want to run home to mommy, keep going. No one is going to do it for you. Sit down and cry your eyes out if you have to but then get up and keep running towards that new goal. And when you’ve run past it and are working on the new race, take a moment to realize how far you’ve come and how you got there.

I made a promise to myself around this time last year. I wanted to switch into touring and I set myself on that path, for better or worse. My promise now is to keep growing and achieving until I either discover a new dream or become unhappy with this new path. I want to publically acknowledge, again, all of my friends who have shown me nothing but love and support and who have given me invaluable advice and opportunities. And I want to thank Jeffree most of all for trusting me way more than any person has any right to expect of another human being and giving me the chance to live up to that trust. I can honestly say that, as I bring this totally rambling blog to a close, that I’m happy and hopeful. I’m stressed out, I’m scared, I’m worried things will go wrong but I have a plan for every wrong thing I can think of and I’m confident I can deal with all of the things that I can’t think of (because inevitably, it’ll be the things I don’t plan for that happen. Twice.) I’m doing my best to beef up on whatever materials I can to be as educated as possible (thanks Tour:Smart) and I’m asking everyone for advice and stories so I’m expanding my knowledge through their mistakes and successes. And I’m hoping this will make some of you that are down on your dreams perk up a bit. Making dreams a reality is a total bitch but, in this moment of relative peace and happiness, I can look at all of it and say the chase is worth it for the chance at achieving that dream.

I hope you all come out to the tour and celebrate my dream, Jeffree’s, and your own with us. As Eric Cartman said “Follow your dreams. You can meet your goals. I am living proof. Beefcake! BEEFCAKE!!!”