Hella quotes

Posted in photos with tags , on August 13, 2013 by themisse

“We’re gonna play tic-tac-telepathy.”
“Guess what. You lose a lot.”

“We’re gonna have a party at the morgue tomorrow.”

Oh man… this is going to be another episode where I argue with the television again…. #SharkWeek

‘Cough Syrup Suicide’ would be an amazing name for a metal band

As loud as you can go, here we go.

“Corpse fucker.”
“Hey. They are alive when I start!”
“Clan Giovanni everyone.”

Dear My Friends With Children, Please give your child every full moon off and see how long it takes the school to notice. #GoodParenting

JUST REALIZED that one day we’ll be able to pay to look skinnier through the eyes of someone else’s google glasses

Dear Dude Screaming Outside My Window,
Don’t make me go down there and give you something to really scream about.
Sincerely, Me

“Are you gonna whack a bunch of nuns? Please don’t whack a bunch of nuns.”
“I mean… not that you’ll be aware of.”

“I need a Kickstarter campaign for a secure haven.” #BetterOffDying

“You come back with tongs? Is that so you don’t have to touch it?”
“Yeah. How else do you pick up somebody’s finger?”

“Good. Court is tomorrow. I have time to have things laundered. Like the Brujah.”

“It’s not cheating if you announce you’re gonna do it!” #BetterOffDying #VampireSundays

Today I learned I’m Edgar Allen Poe.

My sauteed quinoa had didn’t have enough organic broccoli in it. #FirstWorldProblems

“Fuck, I have to clean my house before the vampires come over.” #ElissaProblems

“It’s totally a Dashboard Confessional sorta day.” – Me
“Oh. I was just about to go deep house.” – @ramidearest #WhateverLetsParty

“Given how early we come in and how late we go home, it’s like we’re on tour.”
“We’re on tour but we just don’t go anywhere.”

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead. Which, apparently, may be in a couple days.” – William #TheMusicManagersBeCrazy

“I don’t always touch freaky statues from Carthage…”
“But when you do, you’re useless?” #TheMostUselessTremereInTheWorld

“The Second Tradition: don’t touch freaky statues from Carthage.”

“This is obviously your idea and you are not being manipulated.”
“Yeah. I always need to roll when it’s my idea.”

“I get my gun.”
“I get my sneakers on and get ready to run away.”
“Never bring a gun to a sneaker fight.”

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one’s eating fish ever again.

Do I still have to go to medical school if I just wanna be the guy who yells “WE’RE LOSING HIM!”?

Some people fight racism. Some people fight sexism. I fight Vampire Hitler. HE’S NOT BOTHERING YOU BECAUSE I’M TAKING CARE OF IT.

Home is where your wifi connects automatically.

“If no one comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision can it possibly be?”

I SAW YOU AUTOMATICALLY AMERICANISE THAT SPELLING, WORD. *Changes the z back to an s while humming Elgar & drinking fucking tea*

Do pessimists see half-naked people as half-clothed?

“They never really explain what Silent Hill is, do they?”
“No. I think it’s a hill. I’ve heard it’s quiet there.”
“…….I swear to god…”

I have the Worst Headache. The Legends will speak of this Headache and all who hear of it will tremble. #IHaveWatchedTooMuchGameOfThrones

“M’lord. A raven has arrived from Glendale!” #LOLTooSrs

You guys, cars weren’t even INVENTED when Jesus was born. I think letting him take the wheel might be a mistake…

Forgot to take the straps off my bondage pants. They are making one hell of a racket in the dryer #GothProblems

WOW TIL that Morrisey had become the leader of Egypt just to find out that HES BEEN OVER THROWN? Should make for some great depressing music

“Does this shit even have a fucking genre?”
“Kinda? It’s like electro post-hardcore with a technical metal influence.”
“………..so no?”

For a militant atheist, I have a weird obsession with Christian metalcore bands…

“Don’t think that your shirt and your shoes have gone unnoticed.” – Rami, about my ability to match my blingy spikes from head to toe

Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I’m a jerk.

Excercise tip: burn calories at work by flailing your arms wildly and throwing office supplies across the room in a fit of rage.

I feel like I should say I’m “always in tha mothafukin grind” but I’m just not street enough to get away with it. #WhatIMeanIsIAmStillAtWork

“It’s all mildewed in here.”
“Mil-DUDE.”

“It’s weird.”
“It’s not weird. It’s only sorta weird.”
“It’s weird-adjacent.”

In back-to-back decisions, #SCOTUS has decided that gays are entitled to the same rights as bigots.

As we celebrate today, let’s spare a warm thought for our opponents, who have lost absolutely nothing. #DOMA

“SO LONG AS HE DOESN’T STAKE MAXXX, 0 FUCKS WERE GIVEN THIS DAY. LONG LIVE OUR INFERNALIST PRINCE!!!” (@MaxXxOnTheEdge) #V20

Standing behind a conspiracy theorist in a rent-a-car line. $20 says I discover the link between honey bees and Obama.

As a Californian, I’d like to make a deal with the Red States: You give us your gays, and we’ll give you everyone who voted for Prop 8.

I’m so sick of the government reading but never liking my statuses

Sunday nights are for suicide pacts

Car is coming in 30 minutes to pick me up. I still haven’t started packing. Welcome to my life.

Just because you’ve seen everything, doesn’t mean you understand it. shut. up.

Always Snopes before you post. A public service announcement from Your Friends Who Are Laughing At You

Considering that Iron Man and Batman’s only real superpower is being super rich and smart, Bill Gates turned out to be a real disappointment

“I need an app to remind me to call my dad and wish him happy Father’s Day.”
“You have one. It’s called your mother.”

Unironically listening to Einstürzende Neubauten to make up my Goth Point deficit from my June Gloom rant this morning.

“So. When did you graduate from Killjoke University?”
“2004. I was Valedictorian.”

“I get ignored so much, bitches call me Terms & Conditions!”
“At least you get accepted no matter what…”

I feel like the world would be vastly improved if everyone listened to more Power Metal…

Headed to E3 now. I imagine the giant Microsoft / Sony Thunderdome is fully constructed by now.

Good luck to all my friends heading down to #E3. Begun, this console war has.

the fuck are you using yfrog for? lemme just click 3 times to see the picture in the smallest resolution imaginable.

“Yay Brujah Antitribu pin!” – me
“Srsly. I’ve been wanting the Brujah Antiserphin… I dunno, vampires.” – @ramidearest

A woman is only helpless when her nail polish is drying.

Call of Duty: Ghost! Now with Dog! Featuring Fish! #E3

My entire neighborhood is shut down for #Pride. I can’t leave my house. Please send food, water, and Queer as Folk DVD Box sets.

“You need a self-defense boyfriend.”

How can I live 5 minutes from a venue but it takes 45 to get there? Sunset bullshitty Blvd. That’s how.

Well… looks like this Metalcore phase I’m in is just truckin right along…

“Our penthouse windows need to be tinted.” #FirstWorldProblems

My office went from being 61 degrees to 97 degrees. Paging Goldilocks – how do we get this shit just right?

There is a David Geffen school of Medicine? Do I get a platinum plaque if I pass my physical? Is the only prescription more cowbell?

I couldn’t decide whether to watch The Dark Knight or Star Wars: A New Hope… So I’m watching TDK with the Ep IV audio. Cuz logic!

“Inside, you’re made of marshmallow fluff and sunshine and rainbows.”
“And hatred.”
“Yes, but it’s rainbow marshmallow hatred. So it’s ok.”

Spoiler Alert: Snape kills Ned Stark.

“As he was devouring the pancake like it was one of his own young, I remarked ‘if ass was nickles, he’d be a millionaire.’”

“You can hire pigeons with Animalism!”
“Hire pigeons? Do you interview them? ‘Where do you see yourself in 5 years?’ ‘Shitting on things.’”

“Vermont isn’t Fiji!”
“Well. It’s far.”

I need a new assistant, my old one doesn’t exist.

They should rename Hemlock Grove to “Mumbling About Werewolves”. I can’t understand 2/3rd of what these actors are saying.

Real goths don’t wear black. Real goths sack Rome.

Watched Die Hard then Mean Girls and now Alien. Basically, what I’m saying is I’m your dream girl.

When I’m dead and I’m a ghost, I’ll be too scared to haunt places at night because… what if there’s ghosts???? #TumblrThoughts

Lasagna is just spaghetti-flavored cake.

Our office floors are getting stained. I think I’m getting high off the fumes. Wow, what a nice elephant! Lavender banana root? sa35s*(r3s!

No need to tailgate me. I’m not even going slow. I’m going 35 miles over the speed limit! And those lights on top of your car look stupid

Yahoo trying to buy Tumblr is like when you’re a teen girl and your mom tries to borrow your clothes.

“I hereby knight you ‘honorary lawyer’” <— high praise from our legal team today. Does this count as my Juris Doctorate or…….?

“What do you call this move in cheerleading?” “………..do I look like I was a fucking cheerleader???”

“And then we just press the viral button.”

Holy BALLS, I am tired. Going straight from “asleep and dreaming” into “on a conference call, brainstorming” is sort of jarring.

“He’s just… Dani Filthy”
“You say these things like I know what you mean! I’m not goth!”
“Actually, that’s black metal.”
“Just… SHUTUP!”

Does Medusa have pubes? And, if so, are they snakes too?

Every book you’ve ever read is just a different combination of 26 letters.

Ug, why are redheaded metal dudes so hot? And why do they all live in bullshitty cold countries where I can’t date them?

Having a good lawyer is like having a freaking Wizard/Fairy Godmother hybrid.

“Have you ever wanted to stab somebody?”
“Have you ever NOT wanted to stab somebody?”
“Honestly, no. I like stabbing.”

I’m looking for the Meanest Penis.

“I think we’re gonna put the machine guns right here.” #OutOfContextOfficeQuotes

“Shouldn’t you be GLAD it’s raining, Goth Kid?”
“Hell no! You can’t sit in cemeteries in the rain. You’ll get mud on your lace.”

Today is VIP Day at the office. I forgot my eyeliner but remembered my leather. It’s the little things…

Spending my weekend doing Vampire Math. This shit is too Ventrue for me. #EveryoneShouldJustPayInPunchingThings

“What part of town do you live in?”
“I call it ‘Koreacock’. It’s Hancock Park & Koreatown. I tried to get Mapquest to accept it…”

I can’t wait til #CincoDeMayo. Not because I’m celebrating. Because it means all this #MayThe4th nerd culture marketing garbage will be over

If you look in a mirror & say Amanda Bynes’ name three times, you get high as balls & take a topless selfie while your life rapidly unravels

Quoth the server, “404″.

“We can’t do dark Page posts but we CAN do Darkwave Page Posts. You know, just a photo of Switchblade Symphony.” #OutOfContextOfficeQuotes

“I thought I had Tuberculous. I misdiagnosed myself. Shocking, I know.”

“Hey girl. Did it hurt when you feel from Heaven for rebelling against God?”

I saw that Pacific Rim was trending & thought it might be about economic developments in Asia. I should know to expect WAY LESS from Twitter

Pacific Rim = what would happen in Avatar fucked Cloverfield and the baby was raised by Transformers.

Now taking volunteers to be my live-in servant. Your main job will be to hold my iPad while I take my bubble baths so I can read in the tub.

Making the BFF take care of me. This involves taking my computer away so I can relax. Currently, he is failing miserably at this task.

“What if I said ‘please’? I mean, I’m not gonna but I want to know anyway.”

“That’s the one we are running with. That and scissors.”

“Don’t ignore me.”
“I’m not ignoring you. I’m not doing what you say. There is a difference.”

Accepted pronouns for me are “my liege” and “your majesty”

“I don’t give a shit. I use smiley faces. I’m from the streets.” – @ramidearest

is… is amazon… down? i don’t know where else to buy a giant novelty shoehorn at this hour

“His email address is @SwordOfCaine.Org” “WHAT?!?!?” “It’s the SABBAT – they give no fucks.”

Had fun proving Brujah cannot make phone calls under duress without saying ‘fuck’ at least 50 times

“I have a dot in Contacts.”
“You do, however, have 3 dots in Contact High.”

“I keep forgetting the Setite’s name.”
“T.S. Etite?”
“Cool. I’ve read his poems.”

At 30,000 feet in a vintage Vampire: the Masquerade shirt having a sing-a-long to Hannah Montana with the rest of the first class cabin.

Took today off. Have already answered 50+ emails. Now working from plane. This is business in 2013. Work is 24/7. You must love what you do

Remember that time you tried to take a day off @TheMissE?? #aprilfools

“I just don’t understand why you even thought dating him was a good idea. You can’t date vegans and still maintain a viable social life.”

If these fucking hipsters use the word ‘ironic’ one more time, I am going to gag them with their own skinny scarves.

Sitting across from two hipsters discussing how their friend started an organic rooftop farm “ironically”. I’m not even in Portland yet…

How To Make a Playlist for a Party 101: Put a bunch of songs about fucking at about the 2 1/2 hour mark

“I think my New Year’s Resolution not to punch anyone in the face is going extremely well, all things considered…”

I’ve spent a lot of this week planning tour marketing that extends into 2014. Does this count as me being able to see the future?

Sunglasses at night. Umbrella in the sun. #GothKid

Here’s your check for $11.38, CONGRATS! RT @Rdio: Whoa — over 1 million plays on @Paramore’s new album! http://on.rdio.com/11LxBit

My office is seriously so fucking cold that I am wearing the jacket I bought in London and my winter gloves while I type this.

It’s not Gothy…it’s terrible @TheMissE

Emoticons were first employed by Spawns of Satan in order to induce insanity in their victims =:-)

“Is it hot in here or am I just Satan?”

Dude, just found out there’s a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.

Also, I love that Twitter killed Cher today because no one under the age of 40 knew who Margret Thatcher was. #Fail

“How goth are you exactly?”
“I’ve been known to shit a bat or two”

Hating picking up people from the airport is the new hating picking up people from the airport

Every time I hear that Zillow commercial with the Bright Eyes song in it, I hate humanity just a little more. #AllYourIdolsSellOutEventually

Stopped at McDonalds in Beverly Hills. In between a Maserati and a Lambo. I don’t even….

“I want my eyelashes to be as black as my soul and as long as the list of people I hate.”

BAR BRAWL! (╯°□°)╯ ┻━┻

“I can’t wear a bandana. I look like the pirate that does all of the other pirates taxes. ‘You can write off that bounty.’”

Only in LA am I randomly on a shuttle with my best friends to a midday clam bake off thing.

You could die of a brain aneurism at literally any time, with no warning. Happy Friday!

There are ravens getting into a fucking fistfight (but with wings, cuz birds) outside my office window. It’s like Game of Thrones up in hurr

#NorthKoreaBeLike ONE V ONE ME BARACK. #codprobs

“I usually solve problems by letting them devour me.”

“Let’s go be sad and alone – together.”
“I do.”

when someone says “no biggie” it’s polite to say “no tupac either”. thanks, you’re welcome.

Fact: “hipster cred” is an accepted currency in most major West Coast cities.

“We gotta make it to Dallas before all the gangs wake up.”

I’ve frequently been described as ‘quirky’ by people who are too polite to describe me as ‘batshit insane’

“A Brujah is just a high Humanity Baali.” #OHHHHHHSNAPZZZ #ThemsFightinWords #ButActuallyTrueThough

I hate having to say “no, it’s not an April Fool’s prank” before ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING today.

Who was the first Shaolin monk who was like “I think Buddha wants me to kick a little ass today?”

I just had the awful realization all of my Star Trek DVDs are in Massachusetts. KHAN!!!!!!!!!!!

How do all of these fucking serial killers in movies know how to build all these fucking torture houses? I can’t even fix a leaky faucet.

I’m moving through this day like a severed head that finishes sentences.

Comme des Fuckdown

Once Upon A Time, there used to be normal people but then the Internet was invented.

“I’m actually home early from work.”
“bullshit?!? who let you out of the office?!?”
“Jesus. I mean, literally, cuz Easter.”

Just made a bunch of little guns out of candy for TOTALLY WORK-RELATED reasons

#BeliebersArentSorry? #SorrySelenaFromBeliebers? “Beliebers” appear to be in a war on twitter. Let us hope that there aren’t any survivors.

Balancing between social networking sites should be an Olympic sport.

Looks like another Wolverine movie where the main villain is shoddy plotting.

Mandatory bad Pitchfork “review” alert! Comforting to know some things are a constant and entirely predictable in these confusing times.

Quotin’ time – one last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer

Posted in photos with tags on March 28, 2013 by themisse

“Ok, i think my mom has officially lost it. she is having a cctv system installed so that she can determine which birds are eating her flowers…”
“You need a sitcom.”

“If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die.”
“Note to self: file writers under ‘possible vampires’.”

Mandatory bad Pitchfork “review” alert! Comforting to know some things are a constant and entirely predictable in these confusing times.

“How bad is it, on a scale of ‘one’ to ‘completely’?”

Rihanna’s tour bus was pulled over and they found weed. In other news, Clive Davis is gay, and the sun will continue to rise and set.

Poll: 56% say the federal govt. should recognize same-sex marriages. The other 44% say Larry the Cable Guy is a comedic genius.

You only live once, so don’t forget to spend 15 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.

They should rename #TheWalkingDead to “Characters You Hate Walking Back and Forth from Woodbury to this Fucking Prison Every Episode”

“You know what else isn’t Punk Rock?”
“Listening to Punk Rock?”
“……..actually yeah. PUNK ROCK IS NOT PUNK ROCK.”
“Country is Punk Rock.”

“It’s not Punk Rock if you tie your shoes!”
“It’s also not Punk Rock if you trip on your untied laces and fall down the fucking stairs!”

I feel like I don’t karate kick on enough lightswitches in my general day-to-day life.

Spring Breakers is like one very, very, very long Vine video.

Not sure I should see Spring Breakers until I recover from my PTSD from Kids, which will be never.

They say prostitution is the worlds oldest profession, which is probably untrue.How did the 1st guy pay for a hooker if he didnt have a job?

Why would anyone want to travel back in time? There is no Internet there.

I’m like my laptop: give me 3 minutes with nothing to do and I’ll go to sleep

“Did you know this was gonna happen????”
“Yes. I used my crystal ball that shows me COMPLETELY OBVIOUS SHIT YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN COMING.”

“So WHAT? I’m spooning a Barrett .50 cal. I could kill a building!”

Ever notice that cats always want to be petted when you’re wearing bla….oh, wait. That’s always.

“Help! Help! I’m turning into a Joy Division lyric!!!”

I need google glass so I can identify people I know but can’t remember the names of or where we met.

I’ll just be over here calmly sticking this knife into the wall a couple dozen times. Nothing to see here. Move along.

#ObamaIsNotSatan, Satan has leadership experience.

At this point, I just assume that Lindsay Lohan has some sort of theme park-style “Front of the Line” pass, but for court.

It’s 9am. There is some lunatic with a megaphone outside screaming about Jesus Christ coming to kill fags. Thanks for the welcome home, LA

I’m ROLLING IN PUSSY RIGHT NOW! Which means I’m getting purred at by one small cat and nothing else. Why, what did you think I meant? #Pervs

Sometimes I randomly unfollow people on Twitter just to see how pissed off they get.

The Vatican confirms that the new pope will be backwards compatible with previous Church doctrine

I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT MY HUMMUS FROM TESCO! To put this in context: it’s like someone being excited about a 7/11 hot dog. Fuck it, it’s yum!

Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Pope #ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope

The train I was on terminated at Cockfosters. It was announced every stop by some proper-sounding British woman. My sides hurt from laughing

Dear England, I need you to have less hilarious place names.

So…. does a Transformer get Car Insurance or Life Insurance? #DeepThoughts

There is a new Pope App? I hate the future…RT @FastCompany Got The New Pope App? Following The Papal Liveblog? http://trib.al/V1sR5uY

I love pretending like I’m a total uncultured American git. “How can you have a queen if you’re a socialist country?” #trollface

WHY IS IT SO GODDAMN COLD IN THIS COUNTRY?!?!?! I thought Global Warming eliminated winter in the 80s??????

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – the best thing about growing up is having a chauffeur take you to the airport #JeevesFetchMyBags

Current electronics count for week-long trip 2 London: 3 iPods, 1 iPhone, 1 iPad, 1 Droid, 1 MacBook Pro. #IHaveAProblem #TechAddict

Wait, I CANT be hired as a hitman for a shadowy organization bent on making the world better 1 corpse at a time? You lied to me video games!

Tried to go pick up lunch. Somehow wandered in to the West Coast Douchebros Convention. It reeks of Axe body spray in here…

Don’t get depressed. You’re probably great at SOMETHING. But it probably isn’t music. You might be INSANELY GREAT at crying in the shower.

“I think I just put holes in the couch with the spikes on my shoes.” “That’s very metal.” #OutOfContextOfficeQuotes

I’m going to take out all of my internal organs with an ice cream scoop, I swear to god…

“I’m a lover and a runner and a coward not a fighter.”

“I won’t put your puke video on YouPorn. That’s real friendship.” “Thanks buuuuud.”

A Tzimisce, a Lasombra, a Tremere, a Malkavian & a Brujah walk into a vampire-themed restaurant… There isnt a punchline. This is happening

Operation: Vampire Brunch was a success. Operation: Vampires Sit On The Couch And Watch Tv is a go!

Also, I’ve literally inherited Dracula for a week. Like, seriously for real. He’s upstairs sleeping. My life… it’s all vampires 24/7

“JUST GO!” Promoters and Agents this early in the morning is hilarious. Big grin right now. Excitement is infectious.

“Your gold pieces or your hit points.” – Mere

The most important part of being a leader is never forgetting that you are still part of the team.

When I say “vampire weekend”, I mean a weekend of being a vampire not a weekend of listening to annoying indie hipsters. #GothProblems

Real Goths don’t wear black. Real Goths sack Rome.

“What character class are you playing?”
“Classless?”
“Yes, you are.”
“Shut up, Kittenmancer.”
“That’s Weretiger Warlock.”
“SAME THING.”

“The Salesforce is strong with me.”

“Is semi-comatose an option?” – me, trying to explain to my doctor how strong my anti-anxiety pills for a 10 hour flight need to be

Brujah Dominate: “Do what I say or I’ll punch you.”
 
Brujah Movement of the Mind: “I will throw this shit across the room.”

Brujah Path of Flame: “I will fucking set you on fire.”

Brujah Vicissitude: “I’ll punch you so hard, I will rearrange your face.”

Brujah Animalism: “Come here, pussy.”
“I’m not a cat.”
“I meant the other kind of pussy, you idiot.”

Brujah Quietus: “I’ll cut you till ya bleed!”

Brujah Chimistry: “The Brujah hit me and now I’m seeing stars.”

Brujah Fortitude: “Quit crying that it hurt or I’ll give you something to cry about.”

Brujah Obtenebration: Poke out their eyes.

Brujah Dementation: “I’ll hit you so hard, you’re brain will break”

Brujah Vicissitude: “Just let the compound fracture I gave you heal that way and you’ll have some badass bone spikes! And stop whimpering.”

Brujah Presence: “You like me, right? Alan didn’t like me, and now he’s a pile of ash. But YOU like me, don’t you?”

Brujah Bardo: “Either the sun can burn you or me and my flamethrower can. Your choice. But you’re walking in daylight one way or the other.”

Brujah Celerity: “I’ll move way faster than you if I break both your legs.”
“But… you already have Celerity in Clan! And Presence, too!”
*SNAP*
“I also have a low tolerance for sarcastic assholes, cripple.”

Brujah Serpentis: “Ima beat you to death with this snake”

Brujah Aspex: “Tell me what you’re thinking or I’ll hurt you.”

Brujah Obfuscate: *Cracks knuckles* “You didn’t see shit.”

Brujah Obeah: “Hand me that duct tape and quit whining. You’ll be good as new.”

Brujah Daimoninon: “We have nothing to do with the Baali, shut your fucking mouth before I shut it for you.”

“Can we postpone the punching to the latter half of the meeting?”
“Punching is new business, we’re working on old business!”

“MaxXx’s version of stealth is telling everyone that if they look at her, she’ll punch them.”

“She created me, nurtured me, then staked me and put me into torpor.”
“Well. Ladies are fickle.”

It’s Sunday! Which means somebody is going to ruin tonights episode of @WalkingDead_AMC for me by tweeting about the entire episode.

“You’re like… An orthodontic Jewish cowboy vampire.”

“You know what I like about you?!? I’m drunk!!”

“I wish I knew how to quit you, Keynote.”
“COMMAND Q!”
“THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!!”

Every single person I know in the city of Los Angeles is at the Marilyn Manson show. Did a wormhole to 1996 open up when I wasn’t looking?

A penis is just an extroverted vagina.

If you can’t say it to me in a Keynote or Excel spreadsheet, don’t bother saying it at all

I sincerely appreciate that I had a conference call today involving multiple executives in which “butt chugging” was discussed in detail.

“you inspire a particular variety of lust; stemming from that fragile darkness of yours.” #BestWorstComplimentEver

There is a Bright Eyes song in a Zillow commercial. I fucking hate you, Capitalism.

Got the new glasses. I feel like I am on acid. My hands are far away yet so close. My vision is sharp yet confusing. MY HANDS ARE DINOSAURS!

The next person who asks if I’m wearing pink on Valentine’s Day will be Force choked via the Internet. #TheForceIsStrongInMe #LetTheHateFlow

There is a “50 Shades of Grey” workout? I hate you more every day, humanity…

(832): Don’t blame me. I told you I didn’t know if I had a key to those hancuffs.

So I guess there was some big soccer game that just happened in New Orleans or what’s the deal?

The mango is a member of the cashew family????? I’m so going down the Wikipedia rabbit hole…

It’s written “Tzimisce” but pronounced “a WHAT with three WHATS?”

I heard that these guys are gonna play football at a Beyonce concert tomorrow…

You say ‘blood drive’. I say ‘happy hour’.

“I want to do a show called P’Unked where there are no pranks and dudes just get a Mohawk and go to punk shows.”

“THIS IS MY MANIFESTO!!!”
“This is a taco recipe.”
“MANIFESTOOOOOOOO!”

We all have that one cup in our house that is somehow better than the other ones

Previously on ‘Screaming at Vampires’… We met a vampire so ugly that someone actually mistook him for a potato… and tried to peel him.

My parents are going to be here in a few days. Trying to motivate myself to clean. Can my Mom ground me in my own house? #GrownUpProblems

I have a PhD in Misanthropology.

“MaxXx and I didn’t come here to listen to lies. We came here predetermined that he was lying.”

“We’re playing 1st, 2nd, 3rd.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a game to see if the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd word you say will be a swear word.”

I’m not a pyromaniac but I am a pyroenthusiast.

Just found out that BOA steakhouse will deliver to me. Let no one say that I am not totally classy in my laziness.

This Twitter feed is rated TV MA LSV for violence, sexual situations and nudity. Parental discretion is advised.

‘Cool’ is the least cool word in the English language. The coolest word is ‘Exsanguination’.

I don’t know if ‘finally’ is the right word here. RT @mashable Finally, a First-Person Shooter You Can Play on a Tablet http://on.mash.to/14ashWE

LENSE FLAIR IS NOW CUZ OF MIDICHLORIANS!!!! #jjabrahms #episodevii

New idea: stereo that can’t play songs by Fergie

It’s a rainy day in LA but I’m feeling sunny inside. Also, this is the least goth tweet I’ve made in a while.

Just a reminder – in all of my tweets. the “I’m extremely lonely” is silent.

I feel like I don’t spend near enough time dressed like I’m in The Craft…

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, but what if I’m willing to go much, much higher?

I have done more work in the first 22 days of 2013 than our Congress has done in ten years. #GOML

Some guy told me a have “a jiggabooty”. I’m trying to decide how outraged I should be about this…

“Think murderous thoughts and you can fly.”
“Think of nooses, think of screams.”

“We hired him to keep me from killing myself.”
“Well. I’m gonna need him to pack up his desk immediately then.”

“You can hire my zit. It’s available. And speaks Spanish.”

With great power comes great responsibility that you can ignore if you’re a total dick.

#WhatHurtsTheMost: The cruciatus curse.

Years and years of Twitter quotes…

Posted in photos with tags , on February 18, 2013 by themisse

Damn that little amp | is way motherfucking loud | thanks for that Line 6!

What the fuck, Twitter? | How do you expect haikus | with no enter key?

Our band rehearsal | So what we leave in two days? | Lets go play Uno!

I’m in a bad mood | Do you think Hot Topic | sells black razor blades?

Its way too early | Ikea overcharged me | goddamn fucking lights!

Ryan is driving | My grandmother goes faster | goddamn fucking lights…

I have a new thing | every haiku must end in | ‘goddamn fucking lights’

I can’t stand Tetris | Especially when its done | with our merch boxes

You know its Texas when | the bathroom has a TV | and its on FOX News

Jesus, Waffle House | We parked next to one to sleep | Now its on fire

Um, a drive-thru zoo? | Dude, are you fucking kidding? | What’s the point in that?

We have been fighting | Who tours in a recession? | Apparently, us

Buffalo, New York | You are JUST like the movie | Buffalo 66

The guy I love is too heartbroken to be my heart. The guy who loves me doesn’t make my heart hammer. So… I remain heartless.

I’m so tired I just fell asleep in a truck stop bathroom while peeing.

Up at 7am | to fix the broken genny | That’s life as TM

Sweet! Haunted hotel! | What? The walls in my room bleed? | How sweet is my life?

I kinda want to | go see Twillight. I know it | voids me being goth

I only have insomnia this bad in Massachusetts. Its because I’m worried about ninjas.

everything we write | should always be a haiku | ‘cuz they are the jam

You take baby pictures so your relatives can look at them when you die

I am awake. I had a dream that I was a rich asshole and I spilled champagne on myself and made my servants suck it out of my jacket.

Wah! I want your warmth but you are covered in spiders :(

Gwen Stefani can spell the shit out of some bananas

It snowed. It looks like the world is covered in cocaine like a stripper’s tits.

That was supposed to be possessive. Damn you grammar and your early morning non-compatibility!

“I can’t believe I got beat in a snowball fight by a Californian!”

Well, I’ve now had my insides fondled in the name of medical science. Ug.

“I think its really nice to know, not just that we love each other, but that we know each other and we like each other.” – Momma

If your spouse/friend/rent-a-ho says “there is someone in the house!” while crying, believe them. You may live through the movie that way.

Ohmigawd Disney Marathon! Nobody persecutes harmless crackpots like Gaston!

“Are you just going to hit me until I get you a beverage?”
“Will that work?”

Goddamnit, hippie werewolf. Stop hugging trees in my backyard!

“Its a lowercase mu!”
“WHY ARE THERE COWS IN YOUR MATH!”

“We’re accusing you of flaming someone, sir. On the *internet*!”
“This is the most realistic CSI episode yet.”

That’s a good computer. Its some Batman shit. They must have seen the Dark Knight and thought “if Bruce Wayne has it, it must be real.”

“Its tragic that she died 2 days after you qualified for half of what she owns.”
“Really? I thought that was the bright side.”

“Led Zepplin are the godfathers of rock.”
“Yeah. The annoying drunk godfathers that touched you when you were five.”

Is it just me or is the new Clint Eastwood movie just about killing Mexicans?

“You make having no sense of style look good.”

“So am I invited to the wedding when you and WOW get married?”

Dear Person Who’s Car Alarm Is Going Off, Fuck you. Fuck you. Seriously. Oh shit, I hope that’s not my car! Sincerely, Me

We are, like, one step away from being a sewing circle

Balancing between social networking sites should be an Olympic sport.

“It tastes like budissy.”
“What’s that?”
“Butt, dick, and pussy!”

“Let’s go to the bar!”
“Oh sweet, I love that place!”

I can’t even explain my epic wisdom in 140 character chunks.

I wrote the book entitled “what not to do with your life” so where the fuck are my royalties????????

I wear my heresy proudly upon my skin and I say to you – there is no god but No God and that will be true in the ever, never, and hereafter

Looking at old pictures that seem a lifetime away. If I had a heart left, it might be breaking. It is a strange thing to feel nothing. Only I would fill an album with photos from my worst moments and only I would shriven myself by looking at them.

I forget that I was in love once. I look in my soul and see none of that person left in me. Was the steel worth the trade? I cannot say.

Everything is interesting with good lighting, swift camera cuts, and a rock soundtrack. I’m gonna hire a cinematographer for real life.

Dear CSI, There are many things you rub with qtips. Beetles aren’t one of them. Sincerely, Me

Looking at my calender, I am going to be on the rag TWICE this next tour! God hope that cultural backwater, Europe, knows what a tampon is.

Dear Dave Gahan, My babies. All of them. Yours. Clear? Great. Sincerely, Me

Dear Superbowl Fucktards, That shit doesn’t even start for another 12 hours! Shut up and stop screaming in the street. Please die. Thx, Me

“I’ll fix your laptop fast so we can play WOW together” is the sexiest sentence of 2009!

Dear the Faint, why are your first few records so good and the last one SO bad? Lay off the coke… or go back on it. Sincerely, Me

Some day, I will know the joy of feeding a hippie to an angry badger. Someday…

Dear Dude on a motorcycle outside my window, Your method of conveyance has no doors. I can easily hit you with a baseball bat. Don’t test me

“Jason Massey was charged with capital murder.”
“As opposed to lower case murder?”

“Wait, wait, wait…. can we just get back to what semen smells like for a second?”

Dear People in my Street, You’ve been screaming & dancing in front of my apartment since 10pm. I know I am awesome but this is a little much

Spend a few years as a covert operative and a sunny beach just looks like a vulnerable tactical position with no decent cover.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When you run out of lemonade, call 911

Dear Dinner, why haven’t you learned to cook yourself? Sincerely, Me

Dear Cold and/or Flu That I Have, Oh Yeah? Well, your mom is a whore! Sincerely, Me

A clip of the newest Limp Bizkit comeback song “you stole my f*cking Cloudsong” http://cloudsongsong.ytmnd.com/

‘Happy Valentine’s Day,’ when said correctly, can be translated to ‘FUCK YOU!’

“You can’t approach love like you do earning achievements in Warcraft…”
“Well, why the fuck not???”

Um, some dude on the street just hollered “Please tell me you’re single” at me while I was doing laundry. Stay classy, dude, stay classy.

“You look like a cancer patient.”
“Thanks, I work out.”

It is just me or is Canada’s national anthem lame? they should hire Dragonforce to rewrite it. Canada deserves wailing guitar solos!

“I want to read on the plane but I need a device that has 10 hours of battery life.”
“Its called ‘A BOOK’, you tech junkie!”

Being a tech for a drummer with vdrums is like being a psychologist to a Sim.

“He’s gonna win the Oscar! He played a gay guy!”
“Its the new retard.”

Do you think the woman who recorded the voice mail prompts hates hearing her own voice whenever she gets her messages?

Wow. Money really does show everyone’s true colors and yours is gonna be blood fucking red when I’m done with you.

Watching the original Friday the 13th! “She’s like… HALF a degree from Kevin Bacon right now.”

How many pence in a pound? Is a quid some sort of obscure bird dish? Why are there sheep everywhere? These are my recent google searches.

To quote Welsh tv: “Brandon Flowers, his ego, and whoever else is in the Killers…”

Everyone you love is a hostage, sapping your courage and corrupting your judgment.

I need a Trump of Brand tattoo so I can call my boyfriend to bail me the fuck out of this universe. Know any Trump tattoo artists?

Dear Crappy UK Phone, I hate you with every fiber of my being. Smashing you to bits will be the best part of this tour. Sincerely, Me

When your Mom leaves “call home” comments on your blog, it worries…

“Why are you awake?”
“Can’t sleep.”
“I can hit you in the head with a frying pan. Its sort of like a lullaby, only more effective.”

“We’re both wearing irrelevant goth culture shirts.”

I’m really not comfortable having this conversation a-melodically.

I want to have an all-hunter guild called Master Baiters.

I feel like slamming my head against the wall repeatedly and screaming but subdural hemorrhaging is so passé.

INTERDIMENSIONAL RIFT SALAD!

“If I was a vampire, I’d totally torture people. Even if I wasn’t a vampire, really.”

I get a good vibe from this place. Nice long dinner table! Quiet, well behaved spiders! Graveyard adjacent!

I make it a habit to check any and all gift horses for dental health concerns.

“I just changed my pad and it was like a rare cheeseburger down there.”
“FUCKING EW DUDE!”
“What? You don’t like cheeseburgers?”

“If I married you, I’d have to move to Edinburgh.”
“Is that really a problem?”
“……… so how soon can you have that ring?”

I have learned that there is absolutely nothing that can make me hate airports less.

There is still some of me left inside the shell I built to keep you out

Dear James from Twilight, did you lose your shirt when you were made into an immortal? Want to borrow mine? Sincerely, Me

Good to know that despite years of self-doubt, I’m still an existentialist… On second thought, I suppose that is the defining trait of an existentialist…

Did he break into your childhood and steal it?

Discovery Channel is like my crack.

Philoseraptor literally is my dream man

Dear Life, You’re an April Fool’s Day prank, bro. Sincerely, Me

“Ladies! I just want you to have one cooch of self-respect! One bearded clam of pride! One pubic mound of decency!”

I am selling one pocket pussy – slightly used – one previous owner. And that owner was JAMES BOND!!!!!!!!! He accidentally the whole thing.

A telekinetic bear, you say?

But all is not well in whatever-the-hell-city-this-is-ville…

FUCK YEAH DEADLIEST WARRIOR PREMIER! I’d totally marry a dude capable of wielding a long bow. Fuck an engagement ring, I want a sword!

Put lots of cymbal crashes and play everything in E and it WILL be the hit closing credits song to a teen coming of age movie.

There are some people who make me want to thrust something sharp into their arteries.

“How did Michael J Fox hold still long enough to write a book?”

I just realized my Nintendo DS (aka my on-tour methadone for my Wii addiction) is missing. Its hiding from Grand Theft Auto, I just know it.

I love new cars. They have that “I just bought something totally extravagant while the economy is tanking” smell.

We are the quietest Rock Band ever…

“IF YOU WANT TO LIVE, YOU WILL START SPARKLING!”

We accidentally the whole aquarium…

“Cock! One day, you’ll suck it too!”

“Friends share needles.”

“I learned your weakness, vampire, and it is vagina.”

“I’m gonna get fins because I’m a gay fish.”
“Why don’t you get 2 penises where the fins should be and a fin where the penis goes? Genius!”

Dear my hair, I know I’ve dyed you 17 shades of black but I’d like you to become blonde now. Thanks, mgmt.

Some days you feel like a nut. Some days you feel like a serial killer.

Dear World of Warcraft, Stop making me respec every patch! Thanks, mgmt

“Thank god these fat italian plumbers are really good at jumping…”

Only in the Senate can the word ‘Reconciliation’ mean ‘FUCK YOU’

Swine flu outbreak? You know with all these bird flu/mad cow/etc animal diseases, maybe we should just kill all the animals…

Dear Conservative Fuckheads, I’d rather be a socialist with heath care instead of a capitalist without it. Sincerely, Me

I go back and forth daily on what I think is the best course of action. My life needs a more linear story line.

“The day I walk into a sparklepire party, I’m out!”

“So why didn’t Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?”
“You need to stop watching Twilight.”

My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it

Wolverine is now following me on Twitter? Sweet. Please don’t cut me, sir.

Matt has been doing impressions of Jewish God for an hour. “What, you want I should reach down and smite him? I already sent two plauges!”

I murdered the dance floor. Call the cops.

Dilemma: be late or lose my daily quest achievement. Solution: late it is!

Someone just told me “I love your tattoo! Its so tribal!” Excuse me? Tribal? Does this look like ’96?! Fuck off and die.

“It was the first place I ever saw a guy with a whip sticking out of his ass.”

I just got an overwhleming urge to listen to “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey. HOLD ON TO THAT FEEELLLAAAAEEEEOOOOO!!!!!

“16SS’s Todd P. was influenced by AC/DC & Metallica? Really MusicChoice? Because it sounds like he was influenced by shit, dog shit, and rape”

Friendship is what really resolves and mitigates lonliness while not compromising the self the way romantic love does.

I’m moving through this day like a severed head that finishes a sentence.

All the other gals are calling their significant others. I’m trying to load the new Yahtzee video on the Escapist. Priorities…

(202): therell be strippers and coke right? (703): no strippers. just coke. (202): i hate this fuckin recession

dude, that chick needs to back off the bablefish translator and get a real life.

Ka may ha may ha highway is the fucking funniest shit ever.

“They should call this ‘kamahamaholyslowdrivers highway’”

At Sunset Beach. The guys next to us have an inflatable beer pong rack. Kinda epic.

I think my power animal is the Sea Otter…

you should say “Fiche moi le paix”. It means “Elissa would never try to get you in trouble, really.”

The woman next to us in the airport definitely said “fiddlesticks” in all seriousness just now.

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you’re making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

Dear Sleep, WTF? I need you. Do I need to sacrifice a goat or something so I can go to bed? GRR! Sincerely, Me

Kierkegaard defines dread as the knowledge of what you must do to prove you are free, even if it will destroy you.

Stop living as a reaction to circumstance and start living as a force for what you say should be.

Everything is funnier in retrospect, funnier and prettier and cooler. You can laugh at anything from far enough away.

Time to read some Bret Easton Ellis… because apparently I don’t fucking despise humanity enough…

I just had the awful realization all of my Star Trek DVDs are in Massachusetts. KHAN!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyone below the C2 demographic has gone what is medically known as Batshit Bonkers & have taken to the streets to twat each other w/ sticks

There’s no place like 127.0.0.1

(540): what do you have against ST(1-540): DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.

Kirstie Alley is all the fuck over Wrath of Khan. I didn’t know Vulcans ate that much cake.

“Does this person have a name?”
“Zach.”
“You mean that pallid little fuck who looks like Edward Scissorhands only more smug about it?!?”

So we’ve had like, what, 6 big earthquakes in 6 months? Any chance we’re gonna become an island nation soon?

Who was the first Shaolin monk who was like “I think Buddha wants me to kick a little ass today?”

Hey Copernicus, why don’t you navigate to the back of the line with your feet and stand there with your shirt?

Just overhead: “I love the smell of my vajay. I wish they made vagina-scented perfume.” o_O WAT?

I have been informed that I’d probably enjoy life more were I not so cynical. This tiger can’t change her stripes so cynic I’ll be.

Some shitty show is filiming here & a truck was blocking my parking garage. Dude asked if I wanted to be an extra. NO! I WANT TO PARK MY CAR

“You’re gonna go Richard the 2nd on the moats thing?”
“Fuck yeah, strap in!”

I have ‘Outta my head’ by Ashley Simpson stuck in my head and I want it outta my outta my head, get outta my head!

This is the way the world ends; not with a bang but with an alarm clock.

God has no mother, just bullets

Some absolutely peerless screenwriting in this movie. “I am taking these people to Coruscant.” “Where are you taking them?” “To Coruscant.”

You’d think somewhere along the line, someone in the Star Wars universe would realize the Queen of Naboo uses decoys.

My mood is badder than Michael Jackson.

The impending onset of “lady time” calls for Manic Street Preachers, peppermints, and first person shooters.

4 people have asked me out today and its not even 3pm. Must be my flipflops and oversized black tshirt/jeans combo that scream “let’s fuck.”

Nevermind. I’m just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.

Dear My Vagina, Wouldn’t life be so much more awesome if instead of bleeding once a month, you just made cookies? Easy Bake Vajay. Love, Me

I wouldn’t have so much trouble moving heavy objects if I possessed a) a cloner or b) more than 2 guy friends that aren’t gay, goth, or both. Quoth Josh: “you need less sissy man friends.” This is not to say gay guys & goths can’t lift heavy objects. Its just the goths are still sleeping and the gays are too smart for this shit

Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Society deteriorating rapidly. Nation’s capitol likely not safe.

What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory

 

It’s Quotin’ Time!

Posted in photos with tags , on January 13, 2013 by themisse

Platypuses: the werewolves of the duck world.

“So, your difficulty is 3 which is stupid.”
“Iknorite?”
“Better use it now, cuz it’ll be harder later.”
“….When we’re running for our lives.”

I just realized I haven’t done the Hokey Pokey in about 10 years. I guess when you get older, you forget what it’s all about…

Gotta admit, I get kinda offended when my wifi tries to connect me to the “-guest” network in my own fucking house…

Returning some Doritos because the double XP code for Halo was not printed on the bag. This is what hardships are like for white people.

reality is jumping the shark right now

“We’re gonna have a montage! A montage!”
“Super sweet blacksmithing montage!”

“Can we change his appearance with magic?”
“Anne could just punch him.”
“That’s Forces 3!”

Well-to-douche

This Walgreens has too much swag right now

you can lose a good chunk of time endorsing people on #linkedin. it’s like “hot or not” for the working world.

Every system of knowledge is also a system of ignorance.

If SXSW is spring break for nerds then CES is a bachelor party for middle managers.

I can’t think of five Android games I want to play, and I now I have THREE CONSOLES to play them on.

Los Angeles: where our cable company doesn’t advertize it’s fast internet or cheap channels but that it offers personal concierge service.

If hipsters like mustaches so much, why do hipster girls still wax their upper lips? #Hipstercrites

I know Lady Time is imminent because I nearly started crying at a Fresh Step cat litter commercial. Being a girl is awful.

I hope the light at the end of the tunnel is a computer screen…

I think it’s about time Hollywood remakes the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It’s been over an hour since the last one was released. A whole hour!

Life isn’t about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It’s who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

“What British metal band released ‘Dusk in Her Embrace’ & ‘Cruelty and the Beast’?”
“The Beatles?”
“The Who?”
“… I hate you both so hard.”

“Daniel Ash and Kevin Haskins formed what band after the breakup of the Bauhaus?”
“The Boohoos?”

“That’s a Dil-don’t!”

Suck my cockiness.

My WWE name would be: Vonn E. Gut

“GOD, I can’t tell if he’s hot or really ugly!”

I have a fireplace in my bathroom at my parents’ house. Let me tell you, nothing says “Christmas Magic” like shitting to it’s rosy glow.

Also, I had to teach my mom the meaning of the word “flossy”. At this rate, they will be learning 2012 slang in another 20 or so years.

WRAPPING THINGS THAT AREN’T SQUARE IS IMPOSSIBLE

“If you have something to say, now is the perfect time to keep it to yourself.”

“I never said I was logical!”
“I would never accuse you of such ridiculousness. Not even once.”

You guys, I think I might be a Cylon…

“So what’s your advice?”
“Get on your knees and start kissing anything that remotely resembles an ass!”

Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent

The bags under my eyes are designer

I thought there would be a lot more trust falls in adulthood… summer camp failed me there. Also, why no macaroni pictures in museums?

“We’re all gonna die.”
“No. It’s already 12/21 in New Zealand and they are fine.”
“No one is gonna kill New Zealand!”
“It’s not a person!”

Before we all die tomorrow, there is something I have to confess……. I let the dogs out.

I texted my friend in New Zealand this morning, which is weird because the Mayans should have killed him by now.

“WE’RE IN THE PITS OF HELL! I’m also Tweeting.”

“I am NOT showing my feet on the webcam! I’m invoking my privilege as Storyteller!”

Oh god, we found the rage faces in Google Hangouts….

“So we can’t draw dicks right now, is what you are telling me?”
“Yes. No dicks.”
“UG WHY!!!!”

why is everyone so sure this isnt hell

“I miss Halloween.”
“Did you just go to a haunted house, like, two weeks ago?”
“What’s your point?”

Texas Chainsaw Mascara

The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.

“I think we need more, and bigger wolves. Semi-automatic wolves, if possible.”

Ducks don’t have sphincter muscles? God, the weird shit I learn on the internet…

“From the dawn of time, mankind has sought to optimize it’s social media. From hashtags on cave walls to Cavebook, early man loved social.”

Friends last about 10 seasons in LA, much like the show.

You may not think I have more than 1 chin but my iPhone camera will prove you wrong

“League of Legends” sounds too pretentious. How about “League of Dudes Who Are Pretty Chill, You Might Know A Few”?

Where do people in the fucking movies get all this chloroform? Like, seriously, do they just sell it in 7/11 and I just never noticed?

You know what? I’m going to sell my car and stop polluting. Instead, I’m just going to hire 4 men to carry me around on a throne. #GoGreen

When God closes a door, he opens a window. So God’s pretty clearly getting high in his dorm room.

If she’s one in a million, that means there are 37 of her in California.

Growing up, I always thought that quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be.

“My whole life is a shopping spree. One… big… dark… shopping spree.”

I like to pretend all Metallica died after the Black album. And then an unrelated country band recorded Load and Reload. Then they died too.

When FOX News talks about the “war on Christmas,” what they really mean is they are hoping Santa will bring them a US invasion in Iran

Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

Nathan Drake looks so dreamy on the Bioshock Infinite cover.

Hey @TheMissE apparently your condition has a name. “@TheFactsBook: Nomophobia is the fear of being without a cell phone.”

To paraphrase Mark Twain, “Don’t fuckin’ paraphrase me, bro!”

“Please consider the environment before printing this email” Who in the name of Earth’s evergreen butthole prints out emails?

TMZ would have no content if Lindsay Lohan didn’t exist.

It’s a color. Don’t you own a dictionary? RT @mashable Is “red” a color or a feeling?

His and Hearse

The problem with doing everything is you have no time for doing nothing.

If someone sends you 5 texts in a row, and you don’t respond, that’s basically going to be their suicide note.

“I’m really hung, over.” – Walkie-talkie sexy talk

PARTY TIP: Don’t be sad, just be rad.

I’ve decided to skip the step of “wearing” lipstick and just go straight to eating it.

Literally just stubbed my toe on an actual mace that I’ll now use to beat my roommate’s face with.

I used to feel bad for Lindsay Lohan. Then I felt bad for feeling bad for her. THEN I realized SHE probably feels bad for ME, so whatever.

“I’m Google Plus Famous!” – said no one ever

Part of me wishes i were at the parade since it’s 2 blocks from my house. I’ll just pretend that my couch is a float and I’m Mario Lopez

don’t think of it as losing half a pair of socks – think of it as GAINING THE FREEDOM to kill the other sock any way you wish.

“I AM SO HORNY! WE ARE SO JEWISH, THIS IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!” http://youtu.be/sGZefn3GiKQ

“WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!”
“Me? I didn’t do shit. I’m lazy.”
“Oh. Good point.”

“Hey, how many inches of frosting do you want?”

“Have we eaten a single thing with a vitamin in it since Thanksgiving?”
“Ummmmmmmmmmmm. No.”

I should record my hungover friends vomiting. I could make a MASTERFUL death metal record with that as the vocals….

“Have you SEEN Robert Smith lately?!?! He looks like an exploded burrito with hair!”

“Work hard, don’t party at all” – my motto, apparently

“Do You Hear What I Hear?” Christmas carol or frenzied whispers of an institutionalized schizophrenic? You decide.

“You better not be changing the channel. They have hot boys now.”
“I’m turning it up so we can hear their penises.”

Remember, life is short. Don’t forget to stop and Instagram the roses.

“I could give 2 shits about what people think.”
“So…. you shit twice?”
“What can I say? I have a healthy colon.”

“I often worry than mankind is going to start World War III simply because we enjoy trilogies.”

“Hang on, I gotta call you back. I gotta color code these condoms real quick.”

“I assume that you must be fierce as fuck.”

“Hey. I’ve sucked enough dick to know I’m not gay.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah. I wait all year to use that line.”

he iPhone is SUPER EXPENSIVE! Mine cost $3,345.98 with Apple Care, 4 cases, Beats headphones, 5 extra chargers, Bose dock & back up iPhone

Oh, your band has a singer and a screamer harmonizing over electro-metalcore riffs? Shut up and take my money, Entire Genre Of Music.

“No more indie music! I can’t be ironically sad about anything else today.”

“I’m no meteorologist, but I’m pretty sure it’s raining bitches.”

“It is your curse, to bear for all of eternity and wander the earth knowing info about shitty bands.”

Someone keeps sending me “dyke bitch” hate mail. How do I explain that I’m neither a lesbian nor a barrier of earth built to prevent floods?

“I bet Hitler would have LOVED unskippable cutscenes.”

we’ll we’ll we’ll if it isn’t autocorrect…

“Dude. Let’s become Twinkie dealers!!!!”

“Shallow graves for shallow people.”

“People need to understand how to make a hashtag in an emergency. I mean, I know you’re getting shot at but I need a hashtag to follow.”

“We have to keep working. We can’t leave. Who will watch the kittens if we’re gone?!?!?”

Whoever is livestreaming these kittens has seriously improved my entire life. We should airdrop monitors playing this into wartorn areas.

“I want to marry the kitties.”

I need a wife. And by ‘wife’, I mean ‘live-in maid and cook’.

What doesn’t kill you certainly has the potential to try again.

I hate it when a band’s poster for a show listed the opening acts as “and friends”. Fuck you. You’re not my friends.

google how do i cause the end of the world?

“Are you REALLY playing Nickleback right now? This is how you remind me, Ollie.”
“Yeah, of how we don’t like you.”

“I wish I was born with bee hands.” – Annie Thrax, philosopher.

“What if my version of reading tea leaves was reading the foam on people’s beer?”

Literally singing “Hey meow, hey meow meow, sing this corrosion to me” to my cat. Sometimes, I am too goth to live…

Dear Christmas Music, Get the fuck out. Sincerely, Me

“I’m throwing myself into traffic later if you want to meet up.”

“I miss hunting easter eggs. Looking for my cell phone in all my dirty laundry is NOT the same thing.”

“This would have been so much better if you just made me a GODDAMN SANDWICH!”
“I can’t hear you over my COMPLETE LACK OF INTEREST!”

“If she’s had lots of kids, it makes fisting easier.”
“Elbows up? Side to side? Fist like a cholo?”

Everyone is blasting 60s jam rock. I have metal as loud as I can get it in my headphones. Suddenly feels like high school all over again…

#OverheardInWeHo “I’m not ready for threesomes – too emotionally intimate. I’m just gonna stick to orgies.”

I have already had to remind a Republican on Facebook that Canada and the UK are not ideal places to move to escape “socialism.”

California, where we know we want condoms on our porn stars, but don’t want money in our schools.

Do Canadians tweet this much when they elect their moose king?

“Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Fuck You. Fuck you.”

Not to split hairs, ABC, but a bunch of tech nerds chanting “USA” in Times Square is hardly “pandemonium.”

“Can’t wait for the news to call California for Obama. It’s the Mario kart turbo boost of the presidential race.”

ABC has totally pulled Diane Sawyer aside and is frantically feeding her bread, trying to sober her up.

“I’m not saying I’m Batman. I’m just saying nobody has ever seen me and Batman in the same room.”

Today is like watching the season finale of the most entertaining reality show ever.

To avoid confusion as you follow tonight’s events, remember this–it takes 270 Electoral College votes to end the NHL lockout.

“Would I do that? … without a recipe?” – Jeremy on killing and eating baby seals

“Each post reads like an energy drink got into a fight with a keyboard.”

“Did you just tell her to sass the Strigoi?”
“WHAT?!?! It’ll probably work!!!”

“I dominate the mist.”
“Is that like attacking the darkness?”

“And I don’t collect herbs”

“I’m sorry, i just like linear gaming. Blue side-boobe”

Just went outside and confirmed it is in fact hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain. Well played, Guns N’ Roses.

Dear Science, Stop trying to cure cancer and just invent a laser that shoots freshly toasted onion bagels directly into my mouth.

“OMFG WTF ARE YOU DOING STOP YOU’RE RUINING IT!” – me, every time anyone does anything on Facebook. Ever.

“I hate that a woman’s wedding is referred to as ‘the most special day of her life’. Fuck you. My Special Day is the first time I saw GWAR.”

“I call you my friend because saying ‘Person I Grudgingly Tolerate’ takes too many characters on Twitter.”

Just when I thought I could sleep…. the emails begin… This is why time zones should be illegal. Stupid round planet…

“What percentage of my communication would you like to be G.I. Joe themed?”

Today George Lucas is 4 Instagrams richer

Officially changing my title to “Meeting attendee.”

FUCK A HURRICANE, WE ARE FINALLY GUNNA HAVE HAN SOLO IN KINGDOM HEARTS….

Scientists say #HurricaneSandy likely linked to record ArcticSea loss this yr but fuck them they’re just scientists what does the bible say?

The United States has Sandy in its Virginia. #ZING

After 2 hours of iCarly, please God make the power go out.

When I become President I will disband the National Weather Service and let state’s dictate what the weather is #Sandy

So both tunnels out of the city are closed & bridges are closing tonight. When do I get to meet Bane? #sandy

This “Sandy” who’s on TV all the time and is blowing the entire east coast, I assume she’s a Kardashian right?

What is Gangnam Style is really a rain dance and we brought Hurricane #Sandy on ourselves????

To stand in solidarity with my brothers and sisters on the East Coast, I’m not going to go into work all week either! #sandy

New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.

“I’m so excited, I just bought a yacht!”

“Previously, on Walking Dead…” – Announcer.
“Yeah, on SEASON ONE!” – Me

“What, am I NOT gonna be in a panda outfit?!??!” – @ramidearest

The only thing worse than Azakaban is Monday.

“You’re a witch AND a ninja. You’re a witchja!”

Dubstep concert cancelled because teenagers don’t know how to do drugs

I wish someone would make a horror version of “How I Met Your Mother” called “How I Met Your Murderer”. Also, a goth romance movie called “Must Love Bats”. You’re welcome for your new box office smash, Hollywood.

The only thing that would suck about being immortal is if you got sentenced to life in prison….. #DeepThoughts

“All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.”

Achievement Unlocked: Doctor’s Office Pro. :(

I just legitimately saw a picture of a girl in a fierce dress and had to stop myself from saying “ohhhh biiiiitch” out loud. #FagHagProblems

He’s Just Not That Into U2 #MovieBands

Whitesnakes on a Plane #MovieBands

The Wizard of Ozzy Osbourne #MovieBands

Interview with the Vampire Weekend #MovieBands

#moviebands Charlie and the C&C Music Factory

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Artist Formerly Known as Prince #moviebands

The Empire Strikes Backstreet Boys #MovieBands

Horton Hears The Who #MovieBands

Guns ‘N’ Rosemary’s Baby #MovieBands

My Chemical Romancing the Stone #MovieBands

The Dark Crystal Method #MovieBands

“brb, Jigsaw wants to play a game with me.”
“Turns out, it’s charades.”

My PTAT is higher than your PTAT.

Hello awful vomitty feeling. I thought we’d agreed to never see each other again.

GET YOUR GODDAMN CHRISTMAS SHIT OFF MY FUCKING TELEVISION UNTIL AFTER HALLOWEEN!!! Know your fucking place, Holiday Advertising!

If you can’t find a country on a map, you shouldn’t be allowed to bomb it. #horsesandbayonets

Is no one going to address Chinese Democracy? That album sucked. #debates

Dear Raging Migraine, I thought I got a restraining order on you back in ’96? I’m calling the cops…

When do they stand up and start battle rapping again? This is getting boring #debates #freestyle

I think they should have a geography quiz where both candidates have to point to Libya, Egypt & Syria on a map.

Foreign policy primer: Besides the US, there are 6 countries in the world. They are Israel, Iran, China, Libya, Syria and Afghanistan.

Siri Navigation sounds exactly like me, drunk, at 2 am, thinking I know better than the cab driver.

I’m fairly certain that Apple Maps is programmed to kill me.

“I need to lose weight in my vagina.” #OverheardInHollywood

I find I say “I will stab every last inch of your soul” about 10 times a week.

Sinister was pretty good for a horror movie where I’m pretty sure the monster is the drummer from Slipknot…

“Twitter is Over Capacity.” Twitter is currently Avada Kedavraing my patience.

When it quits unexpectedly, you sometimes need to hold both buttons and force a reset. #Relationships

Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult

I spend significant portions of my life playing rock, paper, scissors. #RetestAwesome

“Are you drunk?”
“No, I’m just walking in a serpentine pattern to avoid snipers.”

“What’s my creature type?”
“Douche.”

“Being in the bathroom gives me Auspex.”

I’m so tired. I think my Garou name is gonna be “Grumpy Tiger, Sleeping Werewolf.”

“You’re boring me to death! And I’m already dead! You’re boring me back to death!”

Roses are Red. Violets are Blue. I like it when you smell like a Christmas tree. Also you can’t rhyme anything with the word elbow I checked

I DESERVE A DEATH RAY. I would be ever-so responsible with it!

Getting my vamp on!

Posted in photos on October 18, 2012 by themisse

Getting my vamp on!

Dancing with vampires at Atlanta by Night

Deja Quote

Posted in photos with tags , on October 9, 2012 by themisse

“I’m pretty sure, and you can quote me on this, EVERYONE loves dick.”

“Look, my magical powers are only effective when I’m blackout drunk. Soooo……… gonna help with that?”

“Listen, I have seen documentaries, like ‘Hellraiser’, and they prove that Monsters are real, and you just don’t know science.”

Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriends should band together to create a compilation album entitled “Maybe it’s not us, it’s you…”

“There is a beer in my fridge I’m going to need you to drink.”
“Yeah. I’m pretty much an alcoholic, so I got this covered.”

Had a dream that zombies tried to kill the president but I stopped them with brain-flavored apple pie. ‘Merrricuh? #IHaveWeirdDreams

Just legitimately shot so many zombies so accurately that the other people in the maze complained I killed everything. #IWillSurvive

Cutting PBS support (0.012% of budget) to help balance the Federal budget is like deleting text files to make room on your 500Gig hard drive

“So, it feels like…”
“Chicken tonight?”

The only party i believe in is http://lemonparty.org

Romney & Obama would’ve been great at transfiguration. They can take simple questions & transform them into completely unrelated responses!

Somewhere, Bill Clinton is shouting answers to all of Jim Lehrer’s questions at his television

“I feel like Facebook just needs to hire you to curate the entire site for the month of October.” – @RanCiel810

“Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this?” – Me, every time I watch a horror movie. #WhyAmIDoingThis

Handsome wanna-be actor type doing a really bad and slightly racist impression of Obama. Ahhhh LA, I have missed you

10 am and time to roll dice

I feel a spree coming on. It’s either a “shopping” one or a “killing” one. That’s up to you.

“This laundry is cold. My guess is it’s been done for at least 20 minutes.” – Laundry & Order

Two hundred twenty-one years after its ratification, people are alarmed to realize the First Amendment may mean seeing things they dislike.

Atavan + The Avengers = The Atavangers?

“Stop trying to use enigmas for everything!!!!!”

“I’m not a fucking rogue!” – @TraceyAlgire #MageWednesdays

“Despite what you read about me in my Wikipedia page, I am not afraid of you.”

“Do you know her ears know Kung Fu… but the rest of her doesn’t.”

“Go cry yourself into a box of razor blades, you bitch.”

“Vaginas don’t have bones! Well, they do have bones but they don’t have rib cages. They should though.”

Do you guys think Tom will be my friend again after all this time?? #newmyspaceproblems

I’ve decided I’m not going to have kids. I am not ready for the commitment of uploading that many photos to Facebook.

“Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the reason I have trust issues…”

“Do I need two suitcases to go out of town for 3 days? No, of course not. Don’t be silly. I’ll need at least three.”

“Every woman I’ve walked by today has looked me straight in the camel toe.”

“Can we just fund NASA and not have wars? Except for space wars. Cuz that shit is awesome.”

I had dreams that my coworkers were buying advertisements to run on my nightmares. I need to stop doing ad buys at 1am…

“I refuse to upgrade to iOS 6 until Apple’s Maps App becomes more reliable than trying to navigate by the sun like I’m in Game of Thrones.”

“I call shenanigans with the most amount of shenanigans I have ever called.”

“Don’t look a gift email in the mouth…”

“Due to copyright issues, Talk Like A Pirate Day today has been canceled. But Talk Like A Licensed User Day is coming soon.”

“Social Media is like fucking sheep – everyone is doing it.”

“Will someone please invent a way for cereal to not get soggy in milk?”
“They did. It’s called ‘eat your fucking cereal faster.’”

“My mood is as black as Norwegian metal right now…”

“I don’t spend near enough time looking like I should be in The Craft.”

“College is a special time in a person’s life when they realize they’re paying to be in high school, except everyone is much more drunk.”

Watching ‘Boardwalk Empire’ is a reminder of how racist America was. Twitter in an election year is a reminder of how racist we still are.

Turned my birth control into a decorative oyster. Holy shit I luv being a girl http://instagr.am/p/PqYBBVIEJ3/

“Just realized there are a whole bunch of countries unironically speaking French. Huh. C’est la vie.”

This morning, I was standing naked in front of a mirror thinking “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon…”

“I worry about the state of Rap cause the best feud of the decade involved a teenage country star with songs about princesses.”

“I do not like being told what to do unless I’m naked.”

“What if we were to ORGANIZE crime?!?!?!?!”

“I’m gonna take it around to the back. It doesn’t matter as long as it gets in, right?”
“Uggggggggg. That’s what she said…”

“Make them look like whatever spice delivering peasants look like.”
“Old Spice guy?”
“Look at your Mage now back to me now back to your Mage!”

“It’s going to be, like, difficulty 8 because you’re a kinda a douchebag.”

“We’re just gonna go carjack a wagon?” #MageWednesday

“We’re motherfucking fire men. Motherfucking magical ass fire men!”

“It’s always THREE horses…” #MageWednesday

“‘Stand back! I’m going to open this with magic!’ Then I open it with my hands.” #MageWednesday

“You get the sensation of…”
“A York Peppermint patty?” #MageWednesday

“He’s in a combination hot air balloon with a metal basket and a zeppelin. A ‘lead zeppelin,’ if you will.” #EveryoneGroans #MageWednesday

“That’s a good spell. It rhymes. You get more successes when you rhyme.” #MageWednesday

“I now have two dots in Matter… but it doesn’t matter.” #MageWednesday

Seeing all the Halloween stuff in stores makes me skip around singing “It’s the most wonderful time of the yeeeeeeeear”!

“I don’t have enough time! There are too many vampires, you guys!” – me, trying to plan my trip. #ThisIsMyLife #GothGirlProblems

“I’ve figured you out. I’ve figured out who you are. You’re a snooty nerd.”

“Halloween is a lifestyle, not a holiday.”

Zombies never say #YOLO

I want to watch Hellraiser. I also want to sleep without dreaming about demons in my closet or blankets of severed fingers. #GothProblems

Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow. #SprainedMyMouseClickingFinger

“The Legion of Doom’s wifi password: Catwoman is a bitch, all one word, capital B”

“That does it. We’re drinking til we’re pirates.”

Looking to cast two roles for my upcoming rap version of @starwars. Need actors for Biggie the Hutt and Tupacca. Interested? Lemme know.

There is a raven cawing loudly outside my window. Goth morning to you too.

“I’m going to drop out of reality and become a fictional character.”

Thor should really have a @Skittles sponsorship. “Taste the Bifrost!”

Do I have enough junk in my trunk? Am I hording junk in my trunk? Is the junk in my trunk ‘vintage’?

“My nightmares frequently feature too small dirty bathroom stalls that are often filled with people trying to kill me. Figure that out, Freud.”

Watching “Until the Light Takes Us”, which I’m pretty sure is a documentary about Dudes I Would Like To Bang.

“I’m trying to cook something tonight. Just not sure what to make. Any suggestions?……… You all largely responded with some form of pasta or crystal meth. I have concerns.”

I feel like my entire life should be a blog post on ‘Goths In Hot Weather’…

“We need servants.”

Finally watching ‘Drive’. It should really be called “awkward silence and head ‘splosions – the movie”

“It’s a blue moon tonight? So THAT’S why there was a werewolf at the bar tonight! For a second, I thought I was going crazy……”

“Hearing the music of bands that I used to idolize being used to sling pens and razors and shitty cars is heartbreaking.”

“I wish there was an emotional song about that moment you realize you’re almost done with your burrito. Get on that, Taylor Swift.”

“MTV is canceling Jersey Shore??? I hope they replace it with something more intellectual and high-brow, like Bum Fights.”

“Do you know him?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh. I was gonna talk shit.”
“Let’s just talk shit anyway. We’ll pretend I don’t know him.”

“Hey. Guess what. I just met you. And this is crazy. But I have a meeting with Carly Rae Jepsen’s manager on Monday.”

“Creep it real.”

“If you still look cute at the the end of the concert, you didn’t rock hard enough.”

“Can I get a Lok’tar Ogar?”

For everyone starting school tomorrow, allow me to say “AHHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! SUCKERS!”

I need more opportunities in my life to be described as a ‘hellion’.

I just legitimately described humans as “the ultimate content creators.” No. Bad. Too much social media theory. No. Bad Elissa. Bad.

“It makes me depressed to realize we will never, ever have an IRL Jurassic Park.”

Is “done” an emotion? Because, boy, I am feeling it right now.

“I sometimes forget you actually put /b/tard on your resume…”

“We’re gonna share but I’m gonna have most of it.”

The skies are grey and I’m listening to Nine Inch Nails. +2 Goth points!

“The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.”

“Everyone should vote for me in the Presidential election. My platform? I will personally punch every stupid person from coast to coast!”

“Pretty sure what I just did to get away from the spider in my office could qualify as parkour…”

“Avril Lavigne, if you Yoko Ono Nickelback I will be so mad at you!!!”

“I wish there was a way to sleep and also make out at the same time”

“Contract negotiations are so exciting. I prefer them to any sport, ever.”

“Life would be better if it was legal to punch stupid people.”

“Fred Durst is just now getting the news that Limp Bizkit broke up? Does he live in the past? I bet he heard about it on MySpace.”

“I won’t lie – that Robbert Pattinson Cosmopolis movie looks pretty damn good. Sparkle on, Cedric Diggory. Sparkle on.”

Ha! My lawyer says ‘would you kindly’ in emails all the time. I REALLY want to ask her if she has offices in Rapture…

“I am very much in love with no one in particular.”

“Children: God’s little reminders to not have children.”

“For those of you allergic to almonds, you’ll find our cyanide pills come in many flavors. Don’t ask how we know what they taste like.”

“Here is some classic Rami D right here. Straight off my MySpace page.” – @ramidearest

“Having a major episode of: The Inbox Strikes Back”

GETTING AN EMAIL FROM MYSPACE IS LIKE IF YOU ANSWERED THE PHONE & IT’S JUST A DINOSAUR ROARING

“We have to stop Maroon 5!”

Sorry Mrs. Lincoln but if you want to see how the show ends you’ll have to buy another ticket. That’s our policy. #ProgressiveTwitterTeam

“I forgot my helmet. You’re welcome, Zombies.”

The vampires of the sea RT @TheMissE: I want a pet shark

“I’m full of good ideas. They’re just not…”
“They’re just not good ideas?”

“Dress everyday like your gonna get murdered in those clothes”

“I don’t believe in taking anti-depressants. Too many chemicals. I’m just going to drink No More Tears shampoo instead.”

Are the Olympics over yet? Can everyone stop pretending that they care about track now?

“If Michael Wincott and Alan Rickman could have a kid, it would have a voice that could drop girls’ panties at 50 paces.”

“The universe is supposedly made up of protons, electrons, and neutrons. But, in my experience, it’s mostly made up of morons.”

“Cats are the most metal animal. They feed on hatred.”
“And Friskies.”
“Well, yeah, obviously Friskies! Hatred and Friskies, that’s metal.”

“The best, most frightening horror author out there was R.L Stine. Yeah, I said it.”

“The only reason I want to learn other languages is so I don’t sound like a douchebag trying to order food any place that isn’t McDonalds.”

i’d prefer cash, but i suppose living to see tomorrow is also good. RT @TheMissE: @verrrrrrrrrr I pay you in “not fucking murdering you”.

How is it that @NASA can put a rover on another planet but no one in that room can land a solid high five?

#curiosity shoulda picked a different instagram filter, these first photos are shite #msl

I’d like to point out that @NASA can get us data from Mars in a few minutes but @NBC can’t show the Olympics without a 9 hour tape delay…

“Maids are kind of like renting moms who don’t bitch at you for not taking the trash out.”

“I love WiFi more than I love most people.”

“No offense, but I want to set you on fire.”

“I have watched approximately 0% of the Olympics. It is still about 1000% more Olympics than I want to have watched.”

“Oh, we’ll hire whores. Just not idiots.” #WordsToLiveBy

“I spent 2 hours neurotically setting up Bartender and repositioning spells on my Mage in WOW. I swear to god, it’s like Excel with Orcs…..”

“My Country Tis of Thee has the same melody as God Save the Queen. When you think about it, it’s the first diss track in US history.”

I don’t want to embarrass my British pals, but you guys are getting like every single word of “My Country ‘Tis Of Thee” wrong.

“Shakira sounds like what would happen if Jewel and Alanis Morissette got together and had a fierce Latina baby.”

“I wonder if Daniel Radcliffe imagines himself as Harry when he reads the books….”

“I can tell I’m about to start my lady time because I literally want to punch every letter of the alphabet. And that doesn’t even make sense.”

I want to open up a combination Optometrists practice and exorcism shop called “I Saw Dead People”.

“Bolt-Action Fuckface” is the name of my new band, thanks for the inspiration @ZombieStudios. #playBLR

“You explained but it was like ‘something crazy something.’”
“Isn’t that the story of my life?”

Once again, @ramidearest is rapping over conference call hold music…

“Are the British coming or not? I’m staying tuned to NBC for more…”

“I hate people who insult music they dont like and say it takes no talent. No, YOU have no talent. That’s why you’re complaining, not creating.”

Next time I go to @Subway I’m going to order a foot-long peanut butter cookie.

“McDonald’s being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like smoking being the official medicine of cancer.”

Silencing unmuffled motorcycles. #ifihadasuperpower

Is it just me or was this episode of #TrueBlood really terrible? Like ‘Lets get drunk and let the fanfic kids write this episode’ terrible?

“No, Alanis Morissette. It’s like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a dictionary and a high school English class…”

“Mathematics has not invented a number big enough to count all the fucks I do not give about the Olympics.”

“Imagine how much self control the people who make bubble wrap must have…”

Should we be mad at him or the guy he stole the jokes from? RT @TMZ: Dane Cook — Cracking Jokes About ‘Batman’ Massacre

“Moves like Jagger” should involve snorting coke and fucking groupies not Maroon 5.

aside from ‘the gauntlet’ and ‘randy blythe’, the top google search right now is ‘david lee roth is a dick’ for The Gauntlet

“Kristen Stewart apparently issued an apology for cheating on Robert Patterson. While she’s at it, can she apologize for Twilight?”

“Here’s what I’d rather read: 50 Shades of Jean Grey.”

“You know what? I’m being a motherfucking magic elf right now. I don’t need this shit.”

“This song is about to get good. It’s about to drop. Elissa, are you ready for the drop?”
“No. Could you pause it? I’m not ready.”

The proper pronunciation of ‘Ibiza’ makes everyone sound like they have a terminal lisp.

“I’m not looking for classy women. I’m looking for women to make a mistake with me.”

There’s a homeless dude bath saltin’ the fuck out near the fountain by work. Do not make eye contact.

Thank you, Google, for making it clear that I am not the only person to type the search phrase, ‘what does the color of my poop mean?’

“I mean, come on! An open shirt AND pink shorts?!?! Even @Fwiz doesn’t wear pink shorts!”

Terrible Fucking Taste Sweeps Teen Choice Awards

“Join us.”
“Never. You Bible-banging cunts.”

Second showing of The Dark Knight Rises to celebrate the BFF’s bday. He is the Bane to my whoever that chick was…

“giraffe humping a dinosaur.” “quick, put a filter on it” http://instagr.am/p/NXrsvVJN6k/

“There needs to be 2 lists. One, the list of things I won’t lie about, which is short. Second – things I’ll put pants on for. Also short.”

“The more I know you, the more I realize why we are friends – a mutual hatred of Anne Hathaway.”

Do not blow kisses to fucking anybody. Ghosts intercept them mid-flight and put them on their butts.

 

More quotes. Because we are funny

Posted in quotes on July 21, 2012 by themisse

“You’re such a freak, its beautiful.”

“The ocean. It’s so calm, hosts millions of wonderful aquatic creatures and you can drown your enemies in it.”

“It’s not ‘fucked’. It’s not ‘banged’. It’s ‘made love,’ okay? ‘You made love to that filthy slut.’”

“I’m the Empress of the Holy Roman Empire.” “I’m the intern of the Holy Roman Empire. And the stipend? Corsica.”

“I’m going to write the episode of The Brady Bunch where they have to fire Alice due to economic hardship.”

“Darth Maul has a brother named Savage Opress? Cool, looking forward to his cousins Satan Aids and Blood Deadmother.”

“Dear Rappers, Please stop putting police sirens in your songs. Sincerely, one paranoid stoner.”

“I agree with Facebook: “Derp” is the collective noun for a group of pugs.”

“Every day I have to live on this earth without a private helicopter and pilot is pure, unending agony.”

“The best movie in the world is ______________?”
“is that a clever way to show your love for the movie flatline?”

“Macs are the cats of the computer world: they’re really beautiful, they clean themselves, but they won’t play games with you.”

“Guys fall in love with what they see, and girls fall in love with what they hear. That’s why girls wear makeup, and guys tell lies.”

I Don’t Think Anything Could Possibly Go Wrong At The Disco #EarlierVersionsOfBands
My Chemical First Date #EarlierVersionsOfBands
Mildly Disturbed But Taking Medication For It Clown Posse #EarlierVersionsOfBands
#EarlierVersionsOfBands
Kool and his disenfranchised, impoverished friends.

“HELP!!! I HAVE ACCESS TO MY BANK ACCOUNT AND THE STEAM SALE AT THE SAME TIME!!!!”

“You know what is awesome?”
“What?”
“NOTHING! LIFE SUCKS!”

“I wish your inner racist shined through more on the internet.”

“I bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese…”

“In the future, all tattoos will be .gifs”

“It’s 2012, if Daniel Tosh really wanted to get controversial he should’ve said that every human being deserves health care.”

“The lightbulb in the 3rd floor bathroom was burned out. Now I know what peeing in Silent Hill must be like…”

“Oh shit, today is free Slurpee day! Time to bust out my collection of mustache disguises.”

“Love yourself. Physically, if necessary.”

“is today “everyone be a fucking snot” day? people need to cool their jets or gtfo!”

Sexual harassment training today. But I’m already GREAT at sexual harassment! #HeyBabyHeyBabyHey

“This Whole Foods is by Rage.”
“No, that’s down by my house.”
“Well, there is probably a gay club around.”
“Called ‘Hole Foods’?”

Instagrammatical error.

“Hey. Hey. Put the bra back on your head.”
“Not now. I’m lying to some girl.”

“I don’t have a drinking problem. I drink GREAT!”

“Just take the stairs, you lazy asshole.”
“God gave us elevators for a reason!”

Watching ‘Firefly’. If this show isn’t as good as all you nerds make it out to be, you’re all dead to me.

“I don’t want to watch Walking Dead right now.”
“Remember that time I gave a shit what you wanted? Cuz I sure don’t.”

I met my best friend on Grindr.

“There’s a Walking Dead marathon on today, so basically Hot Topic isn’t going to be doing much buisness this afternoon.”

“God doesn’t get comments. He set up that whole prayer thing so he doesn’t have to deal with comments.”

“I wish my skin was made of sweatshirt.”

“You’ve got a rape talisman??!?!?!?”
“Yeah but I’m gonna use it for good!”
“I sense a tweet coming…”

“I’m going to sensual persuasive the holy shit out of her.” #MageThursdays

“He is an old guy. He is probably watching medieval Matlock.” #MageThursday

“Oh, I think it will come back to haunt him…” “… in his rapey ass?” #MageThursdays

Oh hell yeah RT @shanedefreest: @TheMissE is time for 50 Shades of Mage?

“If I was such a great detective, why would I need to ask you if you were ready for the hot beef injection? Wouldn’t I have deduced that?”

236 years ago today, the Founding Fathers signed the Declaration of Independence, then grilled a bunch of meat and got shithammered.

That band in the Free Credit Score commercial is so fucking awful, I thought they were Nickleback.

I hope Jessica Biel names her first child ‘Batmo’.

“Life is too short to fight with robots.” – Jessick Addams

“I love your band.”
“Who?”
“Rami-stein.”
“I have a friend who is a tour manager.”
“For Ramstein?”
“No. Lifehouse.”
“WTF does that even have to do with… you know what, never mind.”

“Where do you get meth from?”
“A junior high school?”

“Remember, taking drugs is no way to be cool and have fun. Selling drugs is the way to be cool and have fun.”

Sorry the Anderson Cooper news was such a bombshell for you, Guy Born Without Any Of The Five Senses.

In Italian, everything sounds yummy. Like ‘cassonetto strupro’. You might think that is special pasta but it really means ‘dumpster rape’.

50 Shades of Greyhawk! She’s an apprentice wizard, he’s a retired adventurer who owns a tavern. Their encounters are anything but random!

Beans, beans, the magical fruit. The more @rickyftw eats the more points he gets on @foursquare.

I feel like @Deadmau5 mixed up math class and English class one tragic day and that’s why he thinks 5 is a letter…

“It’s the pouch of Infinity and it doesn’t even have GUM?!?!?!”

“I only trust people who like big butts because they cannot lie.”

“Instagram down, there’s now a gaping hole our collective history. Undocumented skinny lattes, mimosas, and airplane wings.”

Happy Social Media Day! Celebrate by asking your favorite social media professional “wait, what the fuck do you do for a living?”

“Instagram being down is ruining my life right now. What’s the point of eating if I can’t post narcissistic yet artsy photos???”

just watched two dragonflies do it. #freeporn

Only in America would so many overweight, diabetic people with heart disease be upset that they’re gonna have healthcare. #SCOTUS #Obamacare

Hannah Montana is trending. This is why I hate you, world.

“Someone call science and tell them to start making dragons.”

Paris Hilton: From BJing to DJing.

I wanna save a family from a burning building at least once in my life — or twice. It’d be funny if it was the same family.

“Commuting would be so much more awesome if we all rode dragons…”

“I haven’t done corn on the cob in a long time. I feel like I should do a corn on the cob.” – me, planning dinner
“Like…. sexually?” – Les

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